Hey stuck. I, and I woild assume, many others, am in the same sitch as you. I have told other people that if they came to my house and observe W and me, they would not think anything was wrong. I don't understand it either. But, we don't have to and its just wasted energy to try. I see it more as their problem - they have the choice to make. our job is to make it hard for them to bolt by giving them a reason to stay.
am going to appt so just a quick note--thanks for the comments though...
Yes I would think your w would be taking up new "exciting" hobbies if she simply didn't want to be m to you. She'd "validate" that it's life with you that is boring, not her life, or her attitude. She does sound depressed. Has she been seen by a professional? Are you worried that she's sitting there saying to herself, "Stk can't/won't keep me entertained and therefore he is boring and unfun and stopping me from having a good life which I could have with what's his name if only...if only..."??
B/C that is a possibility but seems to me she'd be getting out and doing something for her fantasy world if that were the case. Make sense? Like changing hair color and working out and making a new set of "fun" friends,etc. Will post more later.But I thinks she's got something bugging her other than OM....like inside. Also, let HER come up with something and help her get out of her "helpless" routine. She can pick a movie or activity to do, and how is she about doing something without the kids? Not a "date" if she won't call it that, but some film you want to see or a play or comedian (laughing together is HUGE) that is not appropriate for the kids?
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Of course, she could be staying because I burst her OM bubble in the beginning and now has no safety net to fall on.
Could be. All you know is that she is there.
One more time for recap...what IS she telling you about where she is at emotionally, what HAS she told you? Can you make a list. Just want to try to get a clearer picture.
Emotionally she hasn't really TOLD me anything. I know it's usually the woman that wants to talk about how they feel, but in our R it's the opposite. Her family overall is the type that they don't discuss their feelings. They kind of keep it all inside. Her sister who is the most open one of the bunch told me this.
She doesn't have any friends outside of work and doesn't really hang out with any one. The ones she is closest to are her sister and her mom. And they haven't really told me anything because they feel that it isn't their place.
She's just said that she doesn't want to be married any more and that she wants to be alone. Of course she said this after I found out about the OM. When she was chasing after the OM, she was fawning all over him like a highschooler in heat in love with her professor.
I had found a note she wrote about her feelings about him which is how I found out. She said stuff like "I now know what I want in life" "It doesn't matter how old you are as long as I'm happy" "You are the one for me" "You lift my spirits", etc.
Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth.
That's the last time I heard her mention anything about "feelings".
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
What was R like before? If you can stomach it. I'm sure you've gone through this already. I've had to recap begrudgingly on my threads and sometimes I actually see and recall things I missed earlier on.
We were going out for 11 years before we got M. We broke up 4 times during that period with each of us taking turns at being the one to call it off. But we always got back together because indirectly we changed into what the other person wanted while we were apart. The longest break-up was for 2 months and even though she called it and told me we were through, etc. she wanted to get back together again after she found out I had a new GF.
I would say our R was pretty good when we first M up until we had our first child. We did everything together, talked, went out, had a great sex life. Then when our first D was born, my W insisted on her sleeping in our bedroom with us. She started getting into the habit of revolving her life around our D so that she even slept when our D did (around 7:00pm) so we never had time together. We did the date nights here and there, but overall they weren't all that frequent. This cut down our intimacy quite a bit and needless to say I began feeling resentful and sometimes held it against her. I would ask her if she wanted to go out with friends, but she preferred to stay home, so I would go out myself with her blessing. It was during this period when my D was about 1 y.o. that my W told me that she could see herself as a single mom. I was shocked, so I asked her why? She said she didn't know, but could picture it. Then she got quiet after that.
Things got better, then when my D was 2, I left for a 10 day trip to Asia with a few friends that she didn't want to go on. During that time she said she didn't miss me one bit. I think it's because her mom and her sister were with her the whole time and she really missed their company when we got married. She brought up this point that she didn't "miss" me when she dropped the bomb.
Backtracking a bit. Her dad left her mom when she was 6, so the three of them fended for themselves and the mom didn't go out with anyone until my W was in college. So that's why she's so close to them. I think she's modeling herself after her mom even though I never left her.
Anyway, fast forward to about 2 years ago. Things were going well for us and we tried for a few months to get pregnant again and she did with our second D. After our D was born, my W was at risk of losing her job as a nurse. Her boss at the time (OM) would aggressively try to save her position and at this point started buying my W all these gifts. I could tell she loved the attention and would keep talking about him and his accomplishments. I asked her if these gifts were appropriate, and she just said that he's a very generous man.
When our second D turned 1, he was the only person she invited to the birthday as a guest. She told me he would always flirt with the other nurses and he enjoys calling them "sweetheart" or "honey". Kind of a flirtatious old man.
Shortly after that, her grandmother died. She was very close to her.
After our kids were born, I gave up going out quite a bit. Stayed home to help clean, cook, etc. Was successful at my job as a Creative Director and had a thriving side business. After our second daughter was born, our sex life dwindled again which started the resentment all over again. I would get upset and say something nasty and she'd shoot back but we always apologized after.
One thing to note about that was we fell into a pattern of getting angry, then apologizing after and I would start EXPECTING an apology from her. She told me that we kept repeating that pattern and she was sick of it. That part I've changed.
My W did admit to me that she has always had low self-esteem. Although she's never done anything about it. I've been her only BF and the only R that she has experienced. So sometimes I wonder if that's why she does have alot of "I wonder" thoughts about other guys.
I think that about covers it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh one thing I forgot to mention was that she always had this fear of me leaving her or cheating on her. I think because of what happened with the dad.
After the bomb, I asked her if she expected me to cheat on her at some point or for me to be unfaithful and she said yes.
To this day she hasn't admitted to or apologized for the A. She's even denied it to me saying that it wasn't an A because when they kissed in his office, the door would be open. WHAT?!
I don't there was sex, but the emotions were definitely there. No kids, so all the attention was on her. Prior to that I had tried to get her out more often or have her try different things together and apart, but she wanted to spend all the time with just the kids.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think the fact that many spouses who want to leave a R, but decide not to is more the norm than you might think.
Heck I think ALL of us at one time or another had at least passing fantasies of leaving our spouses for another person. Or dreaming about having sex with someone else. I mean let's be honest. It's human nature.
Whether they act on it or not is another story.
But in terms of people thinking about leaving their spouse, but not doing so for one reason or another, is extremely common. So I'll give humanity the benefit of the doubt.
Stuck,
I'm not following you. My point was that someone caught up in an EA or a PA (or very close to it), who decides to get the counsel of their pastor and also an IC, and is still operating from a strong moral base, is VERY unusual.
People thinking about leaving, but they don't . . . not so uncommon, as you say.
