MB, I would guess from what you've said that this is more like Kalni describes - your H is married to work at the moment. I see much in the way of progress, but if he is stuck, it may be a little while before he gets unstuck. Just when you think nothing will change, it may.
I know how it feels. I do. But please don't give up yet. I would guess from your other posts it's more that he has issues to work out and is avoiding them. Give it time. He'll have to address them. With or without you, but he'll have to address them. Just him.
Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it hurts. I know it won't last forever and you will be happy again
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Everything is going "fine" for the simple reason that I don't push anything more than "FAMILY" activities, family time, etc... We get along great. We laugh. We smile. We get slightly annoyed by each other. Period.
"fine" - You know that scene in Schindlers List when the boy goes to hide in the bottom of the latrine? He lowers himself down into the muck and looks over to see another boy already hiding there and the second boy says, "this is my place." Quit spending time in the "fine" place, change your reactions to the sitch. I don't know enough to advise specific changes but is what you are doing working? Do you like where you are?
Talk more about the rejection, what makes you feel that way specifically? I feel rejected when______________________.
Good job taking care of yourself. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
After being only partners/parents for years and then eventually drifting apart and separating and then trying to reconcile, my H sees me as his kid's mom. Period. But I am not only a mom anymore.
It is hard when you go thru a lot to find yourself, reinvent yourself, "start over", get rid off old habits and he, your H, misses the whole picture, dismisses what you painfully regained for yourself and in a way tries to put you back in that little box you were before, the box he originally made you reject because that is why "you lost him", only because he feels comfortable with it, that's what he can handle.
In my case, I want to be a woman, a friend, a partner, with him and I cant. He doesnt "respond". I refuse to go back to where I was and it is difficult to hold my ground especially since if I did (go back where he wants me to go), we would be already living "happily" and I know it.
There are times when I feel he gets to me and I have to reprogram myself not to "lose me" again. We are stuck because he wont "see" me and I dont intent to color myself with his colors so that he can stay in his comfort zone. Power struggle? I think so. It's me or him. He either takes the whole package or he can have nothing. I can only control myself, I cant make him appreciate me for what I am. He would have to grow too and he obviously cant face the hard work involved. The last 2 years seem to have taught him nothing. I was hoping he would be doing his own homework. I feel he is stuck to where "he left me" (ironically not where I left him).I thank him for giving me a chance to live again, test myself, go beyond and above what I thought I was capable of. It was a harsh wake up call. And I didnt go thru this for nothing. I am not throwing away the last 2 years.
And that is why we are stuck. I dont know MB if that sounds any familiar to you. Each story has it's own chracteristics. My story seems to be coming to an end. And I am not happy but I am fine. K
Couldn't see the rest of your posts on the phone...
AJ Thank you.
You hit the nail on the head a few times.
He is...
#1 - married to work #2 - He has issues to work out and is avoiding them
This has REALLY been going on a year and a half. I begun db'ing in November. The 650 million dollar question, is when and IF he will address his issues.
I'm not giving up. I just don't confide in anyone. It has to come out once in awhile.
This is probably due to D18 graduating, the kids home for summer, D18 moving out soon... I think a turning point will be if we sell our house. What then?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
God! Will you guys stop making me cry!?!?! My kids are going to think I've freaked!
Coach... Gosh...
I know that scene well... I'm DEFINITELY in his "fine" place.
The specific changes are working for HIM, because I'm not bothering him w/R talk. I'm not freaking out about being rejected. I'm not sobbing and saying I'm sorry. I'm not showering him w/gifts and memory books. He would say he LOVES the changes in me.
I like them, as well. But, they are fake. They only work for me because we are on a more emotionally even keel WHEN TOGETHER. They do NOT work for me, ALSO, because I don't feel productive in our R. I feel devalued, used, disrespected, UNWORTHY.
I really like what you've asked in the way of the question... I feel rejected when... I'm going to work on that alone.
Damn tears.
Thank you so much for coming over here.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
HI!!! I keep checking for you, but can't find your thread now.
If you're moving further away from the boards, I hope that means you're continuing to grow and flourish within your M with your travelin' man!
I've missed seeing you here. You're a cheerleader. (And, I'm dying to hear you sing!!!)
ST and MIKE:
I don't have a facebook. I have a D18, and let me tell you... IF I had one, D18 and ALL of her hundreds of friends would annoy me to no end. They're here to much, are way too comfortable with "us." God help me. It would be a train wreck. Maybe once she moves out, and they all go away to school!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My own little voice haunted me twice. I did the research, and it was wrong. (Thankfully!!!)
I wish it wouldn't still make my ears ring though...
H is NOT computer proficient. (He has one in his office at home. I have to do everything. He doesn't even know what anything is called.) I've checked his history, his cookies, etc... I have his email password. Nothing alerts.
Cell phone is a different story. It's paid for, billed to, and handled by one of his companies (one w/a partner), and the partner does all of the financial stuff for the business. I have no access to it, and no reason to ask for it, or inquire into the account to the phone company. He keeps it very close, but always has.
His away activities for work. He owns a trucking company, and is either on-site coordinating drivers, loading/unloading trucks for drivers and/or driving between locations almost all business week. He gets home on Wednesday evenings. I talk to him about once a day, just checking in (both ways), and at all different times. There is most always "usual" noises in the background that are distinct to where he should be.
In IL you have to pay tolls with an IPASS. I have access to that account online. There are no alerts there.
Not sure what I "could" do, nor if I am prepared to handle negative information.
I DO AGREE THOUGHT THAT IS FAIR TO SNOOP IF YOU NEED IT FOR A D. Trust me... I would be all over it.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Sam... My H is naturally chatty. He also has a lot of time on his hands driving between locations during the week. It wouldn't bother me if he was on the phone and/or txting all the time, as I think it is probably boring driving like that. HOWEVER, with that said, if there's a number that would show up to alert me. I'd sink.
Thank you for your continued support. Time to check in on YOU again!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm an advocate of good research and keeping your eyes open...
in all honesty and In my humble opinion..I believe when they are in the "fog"..I think they are easy pickins for an EA or PA...I don't think they are looking but if the right opportunity came along then I think they would jump...
