Dear Renee, I'm so glad you told me all of that. I think under the circumstances thazt you do need to discuss how things were in the R. Especially since you are not able to go to a C. I'm not much of a counselor, but I have seen men just like you described your XH. I have also seen the women they lived with.
I know a man who was M for years. Raised a family and had several grandchildren. In fact, all of his children were grown when at last the M blew apart. It was one of the worst results of a MR......outide of great physical abuse.....that I have ever seen. Now, there may have been physical abuse and I just never knew about it, but I do know from what the W and the youngest D told me that he was very metally and verbally abusive. They attended the same church as I did and I could almost "look" at the W and suspect abuse. She would dress nice and she laughed and talked about him in a nice way, but it was always something in her eyes that made me wonder. His D could really cover up well, as did the rest of the kids & grandkids, but I saw glimpses of his anger and how he lost his tempter and how "sensitive" he was about things. He was very dominating and yet the time I crossed ways with him and held my own......he did not know how to deal with it. In fact.....he "couldn't" deal with it and probably nearly blew a gasket! He did not intimdate me and I stood my ground, which he was not use to any female standing up to him! I later heard that he did crazy things, like drive by our house and say stupid immature things to his W & D. After the break-up, I was filled in with plenty by the W & D and everything I ever suspected about him was true. He was just as you have described your XH. And....guess what? After being such a bully to his W and own kids & grandkids, he marries this woman from red-headed German woman (and you know the reputation red-headed Germans have for tempers...lol) and I hear that she makes him walk the line! It is so funny, I want to lie in the floor, kick up my heels and roll over laughing! He was awful to his family and so many things he never allowed his W do to......this woman does! In fact, she does anything she wants and he is like a kitten. I think he met his match and knows he best keep his mouth closed!
To answer you question, Renee, yes I do think he was abusive. He was verbally abusive and he was mentally abusive....for sure. If my ever cussed me one time.....or even had a fit and cussed somebody in my presence, I am certain I would leave him. Of course, that is not the type man he is and I did not grow up in that atmosphere, so it is not my intentions of putting up with it. I was told once that people treat us like we "teach" them to. I also heard that said a little differently. People treat us the way we "allow" them to treat us. At the time, I was having a terrible time with a co-worker and so that was not very comforting to hear. What is so hard is once you allow them to get that intimidation in on you, then it is almost impossible to break. I said almost, b/c I think I come very close to allowing that to happen at work, but not quite. I think in your case, as well as some other people I've know......it happened so subtlety in some cases that people became kind of "use" to it before they realize just how awful it had become. In other cases, (maybe like yours) the W did not know a "better" way and thought she was "happy" when the truth was that she was not being treated well. There are a few that are what I called "brainwashed". Now, I told you about my sister, but I haven't told you about my daughter. She got D from her first H, (and I think on a "rebound"), started a R with a man who was very abusive. He was mentally, verbally, and finally physically abusive to her. The sad thing is that she had never been treated like that in her life! We gave her a good, strong and loving home. But this man had her so brainwashed into believing every word he told her and would not believe her own parents. He had her thinking he was next to God, or something. I just could not believe now he was able to twist her mind around and think totally like a different person from who she was. It got very bad and she ended up in the hospital before she got away from him for good. I have never told anyone on the board about this, but I wanted you to know that I have seen it up close and personal.....without being there in it myself.
I have to leave for a while, but I will finish later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
