Stress, WAW and life in general III

[AJM]

Thanks coach. It's taking some time to figure this out. I've realized a great deal of things and every time I learn something new I get the birth pains all over again.

That clue-by-four really hurts after a while. But I'm learning to learn from it.

I don't think I realized how much fear had taken hold. I don't think I realized how much anger follows fear. I'm sure there will still be some low times.

Funny conversation this morning from W. I have made it a weekly habit to be nice to her in some tangible way. i.e. make her a lunch. Bring her a rose from the garden. etc. Last nights date was pleasant in that there was no shouting or mean things coming from her. That's not new, but it was nice and notable. It was a short evening and I realize she could have just used the excuse that she had too much to do and just canceled. Neat to find the positives when you look for them. Been a while since I've had the courage to do that.

Anyway, I texted this morning that I hope she has a great day and that she deserves to have a great day. That started a long conversation via text (I work in communications - text is not communicating it's relaying information, but we work with what we have.) She tells me she wants our relationship back. I said we could have it back and we'll get through this together. I later ammended that to say that we can have a new relationship that has love, closeness, admiration and intensity that we once had and even more. She asked how? She's still angry and can't forgive. I replied that forgiveness is something she'll have to work on but that we can work on our relationship at the same time before it's too late. I gave a definition of what forgiveness means and said we both need to work on it. That it doesn't mean that something didn't happen or didn't hurt, but that we are looking to the future instead of the past. I told her I miss her.
She stunned me by saying she misses me and loves me.

In between she tells me that she sometimes feels it's already too late. "Then I see how you try so hard for us. How I want to reach for you, rewind time, start over - stronger, older, wiser - hold you and never let go again."

Checked in with me later in the day as well.

I see this as progress, but history has taught me that the roller coaster can still be ridden at this point. I really, truly and honestly do want for her to be well and to be happy. I want that same for me.

I am tired. I know there are things that I want, and that I have been carrying this relationship alone for the past two years. I realize that now and that is why I'm so tired I think. Abnormally tired compared to the time frame I've been conscious of what's going on.

We'll have to see what comes next. I'm going to take it one step at a time as I've been doing. I'm not fully aware of what I need and what/who I am. That's coming. Slowly. I need to know. I'm so close to knowing.

I'll check back later. I won't miss the opportunity to connect, but I am still spending time on me and figuring me out. I need to know who and what kind of human I really am. I know my character, but not the deepest part of me. Yet.

AJ