Stress, WAW and life in general III

[AJM]

She hasn't told me about the AD's. I want to know but have not asked directly yet.

I'm covering some of her expenses, but only one household. MC and Doctor bills are consuming the money really. I think I just need to sell the house and get a different job, but we'll have to accept that may not be a good thing at the moment. I'll work it out somehow.

Right now I'm plain tired. I need to recharge somehow. Stop being angry and tired and sad and worried at/towards her. I have to let that go and focus on me to recharge I think.

She's spending quality time with the kids. I am very grateful for that. Not sure that leaves much time in her life for much more, although I think she has way more free time than she expected. Now that she stops and looks around.

Time will tell. Until then, I am actively searching for a way to recharge me. Can't really do much for her except leave my phone on.

Thanks for checking in.

AJ

[orangedog]

Right now I'm plain tired. I need to recharge somehow. Stop being angry and tired and sad and worried at/towards her. I have to let that go and focus on me to recharge I think.

AJM,

I'm going through the exact same thing right now. Coach told me this:

"Yes the break is for you. Love yourself first. You can't practice comapssion when your emotional tanks are on empty. So what are you going to do to fill them up? You can handle it."

--

Do check in on your W often about the depression and ADs. Just tell her you're concerned for her health and want to make sure everything is going ok. Depression is serious. AD's can be tricky to get right - sometimes they make matters worse. (been there)

[Sam1007]

She's spending quality time with the kids. I am very grateful for that. Not sure that leaves much time in her life for much more, although I think she has way more free time than she expected. Now that she stops and looks around.

Your W having a lot of free time is good! Gives her time to think about if she really wants this (separated from you). I think my W is keeping herself supe busy all the time just so she doesn't have to think about stuff.

[Kalni]

I agree with Sam. My H went for a second job working 18 hours per day the week after he moved out. That helped him get by but sure delayed the process of thinking for him.

I am sorry you feel down and worn out. It is a "low", you will soon overcome.
xxx
K

[aliveandkicking]

She hasn't told me about the AD's. I want to know but have not asked directly yet.

I'm covering some of her expenses, but only one household. MC and Doctor bills are consuming the money really. I think I just need to sell the house and get a different job, but we'll have to accept that may not be a good thing at the moment. I'll work it out somehow.

Right now I'm plain tired. I need to recharge somehow. Stop being angry and tired and sad and worried at/towards her. I have to let that go and focus on me to recharge I think.

She's spending quality time with the kids. I am very grateful for that. Not sure that leaves much time in her life for much more, although I think she has way more free time than she expected. Now that she stops and looks around.

Time will tell. Until then, I am actively searching for a way to recharge me. Can't really do much for her except leave my phone on.

Thanks for checking in.

AJ

Funny AJ, it seems some of us ebb and flow together on here. It got pretty amped up and emotional and now there seems to be a number of us who are needing to "chill". Do it, breathe, notice the littlest details when you are outside or with kids or even alone. Sometimes just listening to your own breath can soothe...

[AJM]

Thanks guys. I do realize that it's a low I'll overcome. I don't think it's odd that we ebb and flow at similar times. I think we started this journey and learn together and that has an impact.

I realized last night, after talking to some really great friends that I am looking at this in the wrong way again. I have to look for the positives and I have to look to me to be full and able to give.

Now to do that is a bit of a trick, but it has to happen. I'm working on it and I am consciously working to find the positives in everything around me. It's hard work, but then the best things in life are from my experience.



AJ

P.S. Kalni, it's been a while. Good to see you out there still. It warms my heart to see you come by. The same for the others. I wish you all happiness and wellness. I'm going to start breathing

[Sam1007]

AJ,

Yeah, look at the positives and work youself up to a good PMA. Sing out loud in the car to the music, etc.. Gets me in a good mood even if I was feeling pretty down earlier... In turn that PMA will transpire to other aspects of your life and interactions with others.

[Coach]

I realized last night, after talking to some really great friends that I am looking at this in the wrong way again. I have to look for the positives and I have to look to me to be full and able to give.

Gosh AJ I remember how angry (afraid) you were when you got here. You are moving from fear to love and you are correct you have to love yourself first to have it to give away. You are handling it.
Cheers
Coach

[AJM]

Thanks coach. It's taking some time to figure this out. I've realized a great deal of things and every time I learn something new I get the birth pains all over again.

That clue-by-four really hurts after a while. But I'm learning to learn from it.

I don't think I realized how much fear had taken hold. I don't think I realized how much anger follows fear. I'm sure there will still be some low times.

Funny conversation this morning from W. I have made it a weekly habit to be nice to her in some tangible way. i.e. make her a lunch. Bring her a rose from the garden. etc. Last nights date was pleasant in that there was no shouting or mean things coming from her. That's not new, but it was nice and notable. It was a short evening and I realize she could have just used the excuse that she had too much to do and just canceled. Neat to find the positives when you look for them. Been a while since I've had the courage to do that.

Anyway, I texted this morning that I hope she has a great day and that she deserves to have a great day. That started a long conversation via text (I work in communications - text is not communicating it's relaying information, but we work with what we have.) She tells me she wants our relationship back. I said we could have it back and we'll get through this together. I later ammended that to say that we can have a new relationship that has love, closeness, admiration and intensity that we once had and even more. She asked how? She's still angry and can't forgive. I replied that forgiveness is something she'll have to work on but that we can work on our relationship at the same time before it's too late. I gave a definition of what forgiveness means and said we both need to work on it. That it doesn't mean that something didn't happen or didn't hurt, but that we are looking to the future instead of the past. I told her I miss her.
She stunned me by saying she misses me and loves me.

In between she tells me that she sometimes feels it's already too late. "Then I see how you try so hard for us. How I want to reach for you, rewind time, start over - stronger, older, wiser - hold you and never let go again."

Checked in with me later in the day as well.

I see this as progress, but history has taught me that the roller coaster can still be ridden at this point. I really, truly and honestly do want for her to be well and to be happy. I want that same for me.

I am tired. I know there are things that I want, and that I have been carrying this relationship alone for the past two years. I realize that now and that is why I'm so tired I think. Abnormally tired compared to the time frame I've been conscious of what's going on.

We'll have to see what comes next. I'm going to take it one step at a time as I've been doing. I'm not fully aware of what I need and what/who I am. That's coming. Slowly. I need to know. I'm so close to knowing.

I'll check back later. I won't miss the opportunity to connect, but I am still spending time on me and figuring me out. I need to know who and what kind of human I really am. I know my character, but not the deepest part of me. Yet.

AJ

[Coach]

Thanks coach. It's taking some time to figure this out. I've realized a great deal of things and every time I learn something new I get the birth pains all over again.

That clue-by-four really hurts after a while. But I'm learning to learn from it.

I don't think I realized how much fear had taken hold. I don't think I realized how much anger follows fear. I'm sure there will still be some low times.

Funny conversation this morning from W. I have made it a weekly habit to be nice to her in some tangible way. i.e. make her a lunch. Bring her a rose from the garden. etc. Last nights date was pleasant in that there was no shouting or mean things coming from her. That's not new, but it was nice and notable. It was a short evening and I realize she could have just used the excuse that she had too much to do and just canceled. Neat to find the positives when you look for them. Been a while since I've had the courage to do that.

Anyway, I texted this morning that I hope she has a great day and that she deserves to have a great day. That started a long conversation via text (I work in communications - text is not communicating it's relaying information, but we work with what we have.) She tells me she wants our relationship back. I said we could have it back and we'll get through this together. I later ammended that to say that we can have a new relationship that has love, closeness, admiration and intensity that we once had and even more. She asked how? She's still angry and can't forgive. I replied that forgiveness is something she'll have to work on but that we can work on our relationship at the same time before it's too late. I gave a definition of what forgiveness means and said we both need to work on it. That it doesn't mean that something didn't happen or didn't hurt, but that we are looking to the future instead of the past. I told her I miss her.
She stunned me by saying she misses me and loves me.

In between she tells me that she sometimes feels it's already too late. "Then I see how you try so hard for us. How I want to reach for you, rewind time, start over - stronger, older, wiser - hold you and never let go again."

Checked in with me later in the day as well.

I see this as progress, but history has taught me that the roller coaster can still be ridden at this point. I really, truly and honestly do want for her to be well and to be happy. I want that same for me.

I am tired. I know there are things that I want, and that I have been carrying this relationship alone for the past two years. I realize that now and that is why I'm so tired I think. Abnormally tired compared to the time frame I've been conscious of what's going on.

We'll have to see what comes next. I'm going to take it one step at a time as I've been doing. I'm not fully aware of what I need and what/who I am. That's coming. Slowly. I need to know. I'm so close to knowing.

I'll check back later. I won't miss the opportunity to connect, but I am still spending time on me and figuring me out. I need to know who and what kind of human I really am. I know my character, but not the deepest part of me. Yet.

AJ

Sounds good. Stay consistent, loving and aware. You are showing your W the way, she will love you for that.
I am amazed at how people grow, transform and learn to thrive under pressure. You have made some wise choices for yourself. Cheers buddy.
Coach