Looking For Help

[sandi2]

Hi LFH and GIMA,

The more I read about young families today......and especially the "working wife/mother" the more concerned I become. You see, I grew up in the early days of the "Women's Lib" movement. In fact, I think everything and everybody was having a movement back then! The group of people who resisted a lot of the women's lib was not down on women drawing equal money as men on the job......as much as some were concerned about what the "movement" and the change in our society would do to our family structure. Now, don't get me wrong here b/c I am a working lady also and I sure want to be paid like a man if I am going to do the same work. Even if I don't do the "same" job, I want to earn enough to be able to be self-supporting if need be. However, equality is not the point....it is about "roles" and when our childrern are left for day cares to raise and one of the parents are on the road traveling or gone at night......it just is not the same as it used to be. Call me old fashion, but I have lived through this change and have seen how it used to be and how it is today.I know what kind of home I grew up in when my mother was there........and I know what my grandchildren have to deal with......so it breaks my heart to see young women try to fill both fulltime jobs of wife/mother and career person. There are not enough hours in a day and she doesn't have enough strength to continue to endure the demands placed upon her before "something" starts to break down. It may be the M or problems with the kids......or the career......but sooner or later, something has to give. I'm not here to protest agains "anything"........that is not my reasoning. My point is that sooooo many marriages and families are splitting up b/c the women are choosing their career "over" the family. I feel that if they was a full time career....that's fine, but to have little children and try to work like your W is doing is going to place somebody or something under a tremdous strain.

We are seeing affairs take place in the workforce. People are on their cell phone or laptops most of the time and I wonder if they are forgeting how to communicate the old fashion way that we use to call "talking" face to face instead of using technology. I certainly don't have anything against technology.....b/c I am using it right now! It is what I see taking place in homes. So, I'll get off of that and didn't mean to take up so much space except I wanted to tell you that you are amoung millions of other people going through this very situation. However, in spite of things being like they are, it can be turned around. Someway....somehow your W must see that she must give more of herself to this family. I don't see how this is going to survive as a family unit.

She has always worked and I think she places too much importance for her self worth in her job. She even talks to me at home in "corporate speak," which I don't like.

I see a lot of that happening in the stories here on the board. I believe that most people are going to spend more time and energy into whatever or whoever makes them feel important. That is why a lot of people have EA's. They feel neglected and the ego goes down the toilet and first thing you know....wham, another person is giving them attention. W's used to complain about their H's being M to their jobs, but now H's are saying that about women. It can go both ways and it is sad either way.

During evenings, she has her laptop open answering emails (personal and work) and her blackberry might as well be another appendage for her - she NEVER is without it - NEVER.

Typical of what I was talking about. If you and she ever sit down and you think you have her cooperation, there needs to be a house rule about that. Listen, when your kids get older, everybody in the house will be in a different room on a cell phone or a computer talking to everybody but each other! What kind of family life is that? You W needs to wake up and realize what she is doing.

I also do not like the intown lifestyle - hate to say this, but most people are fake - all about your house, what kind of car you drive, who has a trust fund. I hate that. I have worked for everything I have, and I am proud of my successes and accept my failures.

Very true! Unfortunately, many people are all about "material things" and are blind to what is really important. Their children grow up spoiled on materialism and wouldn't know how to put in an honest day's work if their life depended on it. At least your kids have a dad that sees the value in hard working and knowing what is truly important (which has little to do with things you "buy").

LFH, regardimg moving to a new city, I sure know how that is! Very stressful in many ways. Also, if it doesn't turn out to be as good as you thought it would be, then you have a tendancy to take it out on the other spouse. Not good, and yes, the S will wear down after a time of negative talk (take it from one that knows). They may not say that "much", but they will eventually shut down.

Also, my mother stayed with us from Nov 2008 through Mar 2009, and that didn’t help with our communication problems either. She was with us to help out with the kids since my wife traveled so much with work.

Have you ever heard an old saying about how two women can not live under the same roof? It is about as true as anything I know. Doesn't matter if they love each other to death! Try having two grown women live under the same roof and there WILL BE trouble!! Two men may make it just fine, but not two adult women b/c one will dominate the home and make it the way she wants it--and God forbid that the other lady make a suggestion or change anything! I know! I thought my MIL was a great person until I had to live in the house with her. We never felt the same after that time. My parents tried to tell me, but I would not believe anything could change my feelings about her. Well, it changed both of us!

So, you had three strikes against you right there......moved to a different location, took it out verbally on wife, and MIL lived under roof with wife. Not good.

I am pretty quick to make new friends wherever I go. I believe my wife is resentful of this fact and my hobbies.

Is she more of an introvert? If so, then it may be harder for her to make friends as quickly as you do. I believe that introverted people may be a bit jealous of extroverts b/c of the outgoing personality they wished they had. Just added fuel to the growing fire.

My wife’s hobbies include her career and exercise.

That's it?? Oh my, that doesn't sound good. She needs to be more "rounded out" than that! Does she enjoy doing anything with the children or around the house? I'm wondering why she had children. Don't mean to sound crude but if she isn't interested in making a home, why have a family?

Even during family time, she can be found on her computer answering work emails.

That is very rude and excessively selfish!! I would not be surprised if she did not have some quesionable contacts with OM. I hope not, but this is not a healthy avenue. It may all be female friends and coworkers.......but let's get real.

This backs up what I just said:

We do not have mutual friends in our “new” city. In fact, I’m not sure if my wife has any friends here outside of work.

An EA waiting to happen.....if it hasn't already!

The problem is that we have relied on each other for most of our happiness, and failed.

We used to golf together prior to the kids arrival. Since then, it’s been hard to separate family time from husband/wife time.

See, the post you have now is getting more down to the nitty-gritty of things. That is what one has to do to get to the core of the problem. It sounds like over time that she did not "grow" as an individual and apparentely did not feel motherhood was very fulfilling but I am guessing at that). Where the two of you relied on each other and clung together, the children came along and more or less "separated" you both from the activities you once enjoyed together. Then her self esteem plunges deeper and she goes back to work and fills the void and basically GAL in the workforce.......emotionally forsaking her family. It won't be long before she will forsake the family with her physical presence b/c she has almost done that now, hasn't she?

Well, I am very concerned about your MR b/c to be honest....there are more problems that exsist than it was first apparent in your post. You do have reason to worry! If she is not in an EA, I would be surprised. The point is, the more she isolates herself from her family to stay on that computer and cell phone......the more you can bet it is a bad sign! I did the same thing when I had an EA. When I was confronted by my H, I just got more sneaky!

So, what do you do? Just what you have been doing in your 180's. As I told you, they are great. You will get discouraged b/c it is going to be a long road to travel, but if you want this bad enough, you will find the strength to hang with it. You need to post all the time to keep you PMA strong. Reach out to other people here on the board and post on their threads in order to build up your support group.

I will talk to you later.

Sandi