Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Can you accept on any level that she needed to go through whatever that was and so did you?

Are you really asking him to accept that she did need to?? Do you believe that yourself??

What person "needs" to go through an on-going verbally abusive relationship?

The dynamics of a 'typical' WAW don't apply when there is no A, but there is abuse. You attempting to apply them is insulting to people who have been there done that. No one 'needs' to go through abuse.

I hear that antlers recognizes that, accepts it and as an WAW who was in an abusive relationship, both prior to and after leaving... I take offense, depsite your 'sorry for offending'.

While I understand you are trying to shake Antlers out of his pity pool, I can tell you in a nutshell what her 'role' in this dysfunctional relationship was....

*she loved him, more than she loved herself...
*she sacrificed more than he did, waiting patiently for him to reciprocate...
*she kept quiet & forgave, trying not to provoke more anger & abuse...
*she quit arguing with him because the consequences of 'winning' were worse than losing
*she let him be a temper-tantrum throwing 2 year old in their R, operating under the premise he should be responsible for his own behaviour, sadly.. she imposed no consequences when he did, thinking that was kind... it certainly was for her b/c when she tried to impose boundaries & consequences for his abusive behaviour.. it got worse.
*her 2 x 4's to Antler head, prior to her leaving weren't swung hard enough for him to notice

I support Antler's in his journey to 'saving himself'. As I know you do. I think I hear your attempts at asking him to look at her role in the dysfunctional R as a way for him to quit rolling in his pity pool & help him detach in a healthy way...

can you accept that his taking responsiblity for his actions and understanding his wife's role as I've outline above
may be his way of doing just that?

Hi Bridgestone.

I appreciate you and your input more than you'll ever know. You absolutely hit the nail square on the head with your post. Your insight and perspective are pure GOLD for me. Thanks.