Read a lot of your thread this morning, breakaway. Think it was really interesting to read about your H`s parents at the football game and their ongoing negativity towards players. I know that constant rant-my parents did it, particularly my Mum about every body and anybody on and off the football pitch. Put me clean off football for life!
And, of course, it`s strikes at deeper issues too.
Of course, our parents have a huge impact on the way we turn out. My FIL is and alcoholic and was a wife beater. And, while I can`t stand the man, I am finally begining to see he too is carrying the burden of previous generations and that the pain he has inflicted is because he hadn`t the strenght, wisdom and awareness to break that cycle.He too is a victim. Kinda helps in terms of forgiving him.
Also, have you read any of Melanie Beatties stuff?Co dependent Wife, Co Dependent No More. Both very useful for unhooking from the Crazy Dance with a partner.
Not sure if my H`s PD is-if any-possibly Passive Aggressive though as his brother went to therapy for this too.
Breakaway.. I hope this is a sustaining change. It is very encouraging. As you know, a person has to recognize their own behaviors before they can change them. But if there is a real PD involved, many times the sufferer will bail on change as it becomes serious or painful.
It seems my husband doesn't really do anything wrong after all. It's all me. I have problems. I'm demented. He's never done anything to make me angry. He doesn't do anything, but he's also "working on it" whatever "it" is. Since he doesn't do "it." And even though he doesn't do "it", I should just forget about "it" since "it's" all in the past. The past being five minutes ago, if necessary. Just forget "it"!
My main problem seems to be that I am stubborn, because I won't do what I'm told. This makes me a brick wall. But he really really loves me and brings me flowers 3 times a week. Even though I'm sick in the head. But I'm his baby, he loves me, I'm the love of his life, even though nobody can tell me anything because I'm a "little fireplug" who can't take criticism when he's only trying to help me. Since I'm the crazy one.
I guess I'm really really lucky that he puts up with me and my crazy ways, since I can never make it without him.
Sorry Breakaway. What are you doing to take care of yourself?
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well...that's a good question and gets me back on track somewhat. Our routine got a little topsy turvy with school ending and taking a short vacation and I did a temp job for a few weeks and then I don't know, old behavior falls back into place.
All the activity and travel kept me away from Al Anon meetings and church for a couple of weeks and without all that external support I find it hard to maintain my peace of mind around him.
And of course, though I was trying not to get my hopes up about his "moment of clarity" I did anyway. He really seemed to be "getting it" and now he won't even discuss it. I asked him if he was going to read any more of the Stosny book, which had made such a big difference, and he got mad and said he ALREADY read a few chapters, didn't think he needed to. And of course, he said he didn't want to talk about it.
Anyway, back to Al Anon and back to focusing on me, and taking care of myself AND working on myself and my own problem behaviors. I am spending more time in my yard, I am getting ready to refinish some furniture (I've never done that before), and I am working on archiving some very old family photos of ancestors, etc. The trip I took was to visit family I haven't seen in four years, cousins I grew up with and that was very affirming. H didn't go, so I enjoyed not having pressure from him during it.
Really, things are kind of fine with him, as long as we're busy, and doing things with the kids, and as long as the house, kids, etc is exactly how he wants it. We just can't talk about anything.
It's lonely. But it could be worse. So, I am just going a day at a time. Should start working again next month. Working last month made me happy. It was in a new environment, and I enjoyed it. My thinking right now is that I guess I can hold my family together even if it's not ideal, and often painful. I think.
You know, the definition of pathology is when someone cannot change, cannot grow, and does not have insight about one's own behavior...and the old lack of empathy thing.
This inner conflict never seems to go away. Today I was feeling a little more grounded, making some personal strides and feeling more confident, and he comes home and starts going thru the house and looking for things that aren't done. I did everything he asked me to do, I've kept the yard up so he doesn't have that to do, which I've not done before. I go out and pull weeds, etc every morning so it doesn't get ahead of me. I keep the car cleaned out, something else he has often complained about, so I keep it pretty straight.
The kids are banned from all electronics for a week because of mouthiness, so they do other things like make art, etc, make MESSES, etc, lol. They picked up all their crap from the day, but their room was still kind of messy. This is the part where I tell you we have 800 square feet of living space, plus a semi finished basement with playroom and office. They are home all day. It is summer. They play in the house. So 90% of everything is looking good and in order and that's not good enough. When I tried to explain that while they are home, some of it is being used. He told me I am just taking their side. Because it's all about "sides" and who's "winning" with him.
I don't even know why I came back to this board...I guess it sounds like I am just here to complain. I keep making the decision in my head that our family should be together and then in 10 minutes of his coming home I am near tears because of his bitching and perfectionism. Basically,everything is to be perfect when he gets home.
I really don't like him right now. I wish I could keep his criticism from bothering me. He got mad at me for getting upset. I just walked away.
Big hugs BA. I know what you mean about the no-win. AT least my h doesn't live here anymore. He says it's comfortable this way and he is content to do it that way for now.
Like you, there are frequently times that I really don't like my h. I just feel that my life is drifting down the drain and I'm losing who I am meant to be. Do you feel like that too?
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
