Looks like it would be a one-sided conversation, but SP would be able to write a tome on it the next morning... EARLY the next morning, given the hours he apparently keeps.
Sounds weird and surreal like the my life...
BTW- I'm so flippin exhausted this morning...can't I just sleep in? Guess not.
I really spoke my truth and I saw him for who he is and what he is doing. And, I took the risk of bursting through his bubble before that R gets out of hand. If he goes all the way, so be it.
Quote:
Felt good and honest.
So much more went down!!! I just was so direct and loving too. No fear. Already D.
High Five
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I really spoke my truth and I saw him for who he is and what he is doing. And, I took the risk of bursting through his bubble before that R gets out of hand. If he goes all the way, so be it.
Quote:
Felt good and honest.
So much more went down!!! I just was so direct and loving too. No fear. Already D.
High Five
Coach- you are the one who got through to me on the honesty...thank you!
And I was sincere that I know it is ok for us to see it differently.
Self-reflection. Beyond what I did in the past (much of it I was already working on), NOW...I need to stop judging him and create things myself. Stop making excuses. Accept the gifts of this sitch regardless of the disappointment and hard work ahead. Stop living in fear. Accept D. Explore my hostility and find tools for processing it and chilling it out.
You have come a LONG way, AK. The detachment is a huge thing. The idea that the old marriage is over is a HUGE thing. The idea that it is over may not be true. You are at a point where you are ok with it being over, but be prepared for that to change. It usually does. What I think will get you through is changing you. Really changing you. H may catch up and he may not. He may try to change himself and he may not. The constant is YOU. The place to change is YOU. The person to change the most is YOU.
Stop living in fear. I think a t-shirt might be in order, Master AK. We'll have to look around for some rice paper to see if you're ready to head out in the world....
I do think you should be careful playing the "I may have a boyfriend" act. Be honest but I can see where not dispelling his ideas is something you may not do right now. I think that was a plug for some attention from him. You were checking to see if he was interested. He is. You don't have to keep doing that. I think being honest about working on you and moving on and not living in fear is a good thing. Focusing on the kids? I'm not sure that's gotten you very far - they need you yes. But YOU need to be the focus and that is the best way you can help them.
Good job!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You are at a point where you are ok with it being over, but be prepared for that to change.
I'm not sure yet how "ok" I am with it. Honestly, I have yet to live through all of the logistics of that and the lifestyle etc...I have accepted it though. There's nothing pleasant about this other than the occasional fun like last night. But, it still hurts.
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I do think you should be careful playing the "I may have a boyfriend" act.
I have no clue what his agenda is in pursuing this issue. I made it explicitly clear yesterday that coming out of this 14 year R and two kids, I am not getting involved with another man. I let him know that I am interested in other guys and like getting attention and that was on the heals of his reference to his "someone" and I wanted to relate honestly how the interjection of another person is very distracting and I'm mindful of that as I want to really be clear about the choices we are making. Once, last week, I mentioned that I might go on a date or two but that I will not have sex while I'm married. The fact that he taunts me and tries to get me to reveal more is indicative of I'm not sure what but it is better IMO, at this point to let him work it out. He even made up that some friend saw me out on a date...I just laughed because it is BS but I'm not even going to answer those non-questions. If he wants to have a real conversation, I'll do it AND I already told him so clearly that my focus is on healing and that I have things I am so passionate about pursuing for myself. I know I still care because I got nervous reading your post..."should I tell him where I was?" "Should I make sure he knows I'm not seeing anyone?" At this point, I think the ONLY chance he will come around is if he sees my train MAY be leaving the station.
AND, I am extremely offended that he is so clear that he wants someone who makes money, is successful creatively (famous) and has the time and energy to go out all the time...he has compared me to so many other women (even in yesterday's convo). That's nice, right? I'm the "best mom in the world" but why couldn't I have just made a couple hundred k on top of that? I can't get into the nuances and details of our convo but if H thinks I'm some kind of loser because I am "just a mom and wife" and I'm not uber-fabulous, well, I honestly can't afford to collude with that. If he doesn't see what I have left to explore and create and doesn't want to aid in my process of discovery or see what emerges during this separation...honestly, he's got to go. I have two kids and an H who travels and is out constantly, I am grateful that I have been able to be predictable and available to them.
And, the thing about the kids is that, I'm so ornery and impatient with them lately. H gets this really measured conscious AK, my kids deserve that too (even more so)...while I am with them, I need to be about them (not telling them to give me another 5 minutes because I'm busy on here posting, aargh).
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You were checking to see if he was interested.
Honestly, I wasn't checking anything. I heard that another person is involved and really messing with his head (his choice but I could see the turmoil) and I took that moment to by some divine force really recognize how that can impact one's decisions and I related to how just the thought of other guys influences me and I recognize the threat. Come on. My H just told me about a woman who is so much better and more fabulous than me and I'm thinking, hmmm...I wonder if he's still into me? Na. I've got more self esteem than that. I was thinking, human to human, "I wish for you that you don't let some lusty desperate ego thing destroy our marriage and our family." That was what was in my heart and truly, I don't wish him the torment of knowing that he will look back and have to live with it. I was being more of a friend than a wife at that point.
I'm not willing to compete anymore. It is an exercise in futility and I don't want to have to be that "perfect" to get him back.
I'm 37, I want to be with someone who is secure enough to love me through all of the impending stages...as I age and menopause etc. If he doesn't secure up as a man, he's gonna need a trophy to make him feel like enough. He so much as said it.
I believe at this point that his "someone" showed up a while back (I have ideas) and he reeked havoc on our R and then got the ammunition he needed to leave (me going at it with him) and is trying to play it off and reveal when he can still maintain good guy status...I'm not stupid AND, he did this once before...
Listen - this whole "comparison" thing? He's doing it to hurt you, because he can sense down in his Pepe LePew bones that the power is shifting, and this is obviously a...well, one hesitates to use the word "man"...a Frenchified-vaguely-male-like-humanoid who is Way Deep into the worst kind of Hollywood Hanger-On Power Trip. Lame-a**. You'll write the next blockbuster Hwood roman a-clef, appear on "Oprah," and he'll be sitting at one of the not-so-close-to-the-pool tables at the Polo trying to convince people that the Shmedlap character is "really based on him."
The guy's a tool. In fact, he's a wedge - which any high school junior can tell you is the simplest of tools.
Funny thing is? When he meet someone "famous" and "Fabulous" they all have baggage anyway. Someone in my family is famous- and let me tell you- it's for the birds.
Most of these people are not real people. They'll build him up and pretend to be his friend and then stab him in the back the second they get an opportunity.
People who are "famous" need to maintain the good friends and support they had before- this is what my family does. We don't ask for autographs, favors- nothing. And he prefers to hang out with us and some really close friends he had before fame.
He needs someone in his life who will be truthful with him and not just blow smoke up his rear- he'll realize that- but it may be too late.
Don't you know that he is actually engaging because I DO have what he really needs? He may be too scared to meet me here as a partner but I'm getting it. AND, it aint about my bod...he's at his crucible...he's choosing his path. This has been a long time coming and I was being too shallow and dependent to risk having better. At this point he better step the f*ck up for me if there is an ounce of hope...he's got some time yet but I am seeing this very differently now.
And, seriously, I love your vision of my future...but, he's in with the whole lot of 'em. I can't go anywhere without running into someone he knows. He might pull his shtick off and he has real talent so good for him. Again, I can't need him to be the loser by the pool for me to win...
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
