Dealing With Ambivalence

[Vigilant1]

Follow up:

I'm asking because if she is the one who has threatened, or is still threatening, to walk, it essentially puts the power over the continued relationship into her hands, and puts you into "puppy dog" trying-to-please or prove-yourself mode. Unfortunately, this is a submissive and decidedly unmasculine (and therefore sexually unattractive) position for you be in. I too, went through a similar "puppy dog" phase in the first few months of marriage recovery, but I eventually figured out that in order to keep the ball rolling, I had to step up and begin to LEAD the relationship --> both in and out of the bedroom. I think you will need to make the same kind of transition.

As you mentioned over in CB's thread, this isn't something that you ask permission to do. You assume the mantle, and just begin to lead: calmly, firmly, decisively, and confidently. Being calm and non-defensive is especially important in the case of your judgemental, henpecking wife -- don't rise to her baiting -- simply figure out what needs to be done, and do it. If you make a mistake, don't defend: openly acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on. It's a cliche, but practice being the "man of the house" (not dictator or bully, but responsible leader).

-- B.

B. - If anyone is closer to "walking" right now, it is probably me. But I think that "puppy-dog" mode has been my MO and that this has only made things worse. In January, when I wanted to "fix" everything, I surely did go into "puppy-dog" mode because that's what she said she wanted. Turns out, that's not really what she wanted after all.. of course.

Do you have any other specific suggestions for how I could start leading more, beyond what you said in your post? What kinds of things did you do once you figured this out? Do you think I will need some of the right kind of therapy to really get it right, or is it something I can figure out how to do on my own?