Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Hee Hee...well, it was more big belly watching in some respects. why do the fattest -um- late middle aged guys wear speedos? Ok, I guess boxer trunks worn below the gut would tend to bag in the back & look like...uh. Never mind.

It was hot and sunny and great! Really good not to be cold.

Read an article yest. about smilers staying married longer. Supposedly if you look at pix of people when they were kids,HS yearbook, etc. the non-smilers tend to end up divorced in the future. Never saw H's grad pic. Saw his Marine portrait, but they're spozed 2 look serious in those. Very few kid pix exist. There was a fire in his mom's apt. bldg. when he was in early 20's & whether it was from fire or water damage, any pix she had were lost. A great aunt sent him a few pix of himself & twin cousins at 1st communions, grinning like 7 yr old boys trying to be good for a day. He has an album from Marine days on Okinawa - maybe I'll check for smiles in that. Where am I going with this? The crabbiness connection you mentioned. I'm sure sometimes it has to do with the pain. Other times I'm guessing its what he grew up with. Mamma made heavy weather of stuff most of the time. She wasn't a boy's kind of mom. In any case, being crabby while on vacation is such a waste of time.

He was sore when he went to work this aft. Was lying on the couch napping earlier. This always makes him sore. He still always does it. Just plain will not do anything that helps it. If he doesn't make an appt. tom'w. I'm doing it for him. At least try physical therapy again for a few weeks. I don't know about you guys, but when my knees were killing me, I went. Did the PT, ice, advil, exercises. Wouldn't you? Backs, knees, feet, when they hurt, you have no life, every time you get up to walk, bathroom, kitchen, ........ and there's my 2nd law; Things left to themselves go from bad to worse. Sympathetic or not, I'm tired of living with the results of him not taking care of himself. Whether its crabbiness or restricted activity. Enough already.

So much for the day's rant. Time to get ready to close up & go home. I'll check your threads later.
Jayce

[diane74]

Jayce,

Just catching up with you here as well. Have you ever thought of whats next for you? I know early on in your post you said that divorce was not an option, and I can relate to that. But then what? Just keep on trucking thru......? Did you make the appt for him>? I hope he goes, and gets well, for the both of you!

[Jayce]

Hi, LG. Yep, he went to Dr. Tues. Got anti-inflammatory for 14 days & check again. He is missing the Achilles tendon reflex in R ankle. Strange. It used to be his L leg that was affected. If he isn't a whole lot better, an MRI will be next.

The day you mentioned people w/back problems being crabby, I read the exact same thing in the Berkely Wellness Letter. It is one of the better newsletters available. I used to use it to put current facts in fitness center newsletters. Nutrition Action is always interesting also.

Next step? There isn't one. Either he gets healthy & can do fun stuff or not. Including, btw, ML. Bad backs make good excuses. Supposedly he has some libido at least, and supposedly he gets how I feel. He says he enjoys ML. Doesn't talk during, doesn't talk about, but he probably never will. What I am dealing with, that he evidently doesn't care about or doesn't have enuf initiative to do much about, is whether I/we can still look forward to a pleasant, even fun, future. Or whether there isn't much to look forward to except going downhill. That'll pretty much kill me. Of course, I can have fun doing stuff I enjoy, horses, swimming, golf for example, but it isn't a lot of fun doing that stuff alone. Yeah, made friends at the stable, etc. but not the same as us doing fun things together. I mean being active, not the damn everlasting TV, grocery shopping, yard work.

I'm kinda past the expiration date for divorcing & looking to find Prince Charming. Lots of guys my age are in worse shape than my H. Most of his health problems are fixable if he wants to do the homework so to speak.
Time to close up this pop stand. L8R,
Jayce

[LG nm12]

Jayce,

Your H sounds, basically, like a "grumpy old man". Kind of cute, in a pain-in-the-a$$ kind of way. Sometimes I wonder if grumpy guys are using grumpy to keep people at arms length so that they don't have to engage in give and take and intimacy.

Have you ever thrown him a surprise party? Don't laugh. I really wonder how he would feel about it. When's his Birthday?

As much as he probably hates anyone making a fuss for him (God forbid anyone give him a reason to be gracious and happy), it just might give him a smack upside the head.

Does he like ANY activity? Do you do anything together? Would he be open to it? (I feel silly just asking that question, because I think the answer would be a big fat "no".)

What makes him laugh? If you can't get him to be proactive and do the work... Well, laughter is pretty strong medicine.

My H and I are chatting and laughing much more lately, and it really makes a difference in how happy a day can be.

Good to hear from you!

Lucky

[LG nm12]

P.S. I still want to throw the TV and tortilla chips out in the street and smash them with a baseball bat!

[Jayce]

First: I have this 'not really a joke' thing, saying I don't trust people who don't read the funnies every day.

H used to read a couple of the comics years ago after I talked about it. He has always thought I lost all my marbles when he'd hear me laughing out loud at one of the comics. I always showed him what I laughed at. I also started showing him faves of the day. Eventually he read more of them, but not all. His favorite is Crankshaft. Uhhhhh... A few yrs ago he told me the guys at work (nearly all are younger than he is)call him Crankshaft. He was laughing about it. I said "Its not fun to be married to Crankshaft" Took the wind out of his sails! I said both to share the house with and know that that's his rep out "in the world".(Sure, you keep people off-balance or away altogether so you don't get hurt if they drop you or dislike you).

Its possible he read funnies years ago & never said cuz he thought it would be "stupid" or embarrassing. He doesn't do embarrassment. Can't laugh at himself. Ever the true Passive-Aggressive, he can be mad about something someone said or did that made him feel that way & never say so, but later be mad or insulting or refuse to do something as a payback. Of course, we're all spozed 2 B mind readers & know why he's being a jerk, altho he doesn't see it that way. To him its justified. He's not as bad as he used to be, but I still have to think twice if he seems frosted about something.

He loved playing racquetball. In his 20's he played handball w/older bro. Doesn't play board games or cards. Probably afraid he'll lose or not get the object of the game/rules, etc. & someone will say he's stupid. Not surprising given his family experiences altho he used to beat me at gin rummy pretty well. I think he quit cuz I wasn't a competitive opponent.

You are right about not liking to be the center of attention as in surprise party. Funny that doesn't apply to tantrums and arguments. His B-day is one of 3 in the family that are within a week of each other. We usually do a 3-way party. Makes it easier for the other 2 families, in-laws, etc. He is hard to buy gifts for because he'll never say what he wants (a little better about that last few yrs)and isn't into new clothes. He is pleased to be remembered tho. He isn't a hobby guy. We were making a decorative item that involved him drilling glass for me, but neither of us want to sit all day at craft shows, so we gave most away as gifts or for charity raffles.

He likes having a garden & doing the lawn. His gramma's 2 bro's had a big garden whe he was a kid & he hung out w/them when his mom was working. He likes to cook the Italian pole beans he grows. He reads about muscle cars, and watches TV. Likes the zoo.
He does have a sense of humor. Laughed his a$$ off at "The 40 year-old Virgin" "Porky's" Cheech & Chong movies. Not into the more subtle stuff. He has never been a reader & doesn't get a lot of jokes that depend on language, like puns & double meanings.

BUT-say something clear & direct & he's always looking for some hidden meaning-trap-also a result of his family experiences. His mom was a piece of work.

We've walked our various dogs in the park, spent the day at a local lake, went camping when the kids were young. We've gone to a few local museums when relatives visit. He just never learned to be social other than w/his family. My folks went dancing monthly, had house parties at New Year's or Halloween, visited friends, had friends over for dinner. His family went to gramma's or their aunts. Old fashioned, ethnic. His bro's & cousins have friends outside the family, but he doesn't.

About the chips & TV, you've mentioned a couple beers after dinner. Dinner & wine or beer after work pretty much ensures falling asleep quickly. If I'm even a little tired, alcohol will make me get that nap time feeling, & I'm sure our H's do, too. The after-supper walk would be so neat. Take the dog around the block, look at other people's landscaping, etc, but not if he's had a beer or two. The ZZZZ's move right in. Be nice if they let us give them a massage to relax instead.....music instead of TV.. so many possibilities in that scenario.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm hoping if he feels better, they will get an OK from him at least once in awhile.
Jayce

[LG nm12]

Hi Jayce,

This gives me a much clearer picture of your H. He does have an outwardly sweet side, it seems, not 100% grumpy old man. That's a great thing!

Does he have male friends that he can hang out with? Anyone to play racquetball with? Could you play with him? I think men hanging out with men is a healthy thing in the name of increasing polarity. Maybe he would benefit from a manly man activity.

Lucky

P.S. It is AWESOME that you guys sleep naked. It made me wonder why we don't.

[Jayce]

Hi, LG. Been off awhile, between sinus infection, racking up my R hand & attempting to clean house for out of town guests next week I've barely had time to check email, let alone post. My L hand belongs to an alien who lives on Pluto. Attempting to do stuff w/L hand only is slowing me way down & driving me bonkers.

2 reasons H doesn't play racquetball anymore. The local club was sold & bldg. is now used for something else. One of the guys is alum of nearby college where he can get court time. H used to play w/him occasionally. Second reason, after his C-5, C-6 neck fusion, I think he's afraid to play. He tried playing during the day when he first went back on nite shift & found he'd be really tired at work. Mostly played on Sun. a.m. drank a lot of beer & slept all afternoon. The guys all scattered when the club closed.

I tried to play about 15 yrs ago. Took a few lessons, bought a racquet, glove, all that. The cutting & stopping was hard on my knees & feet. Then I got the tendinitis that ate Detroit in my R elbow. Eventually had cortisone shot. In the course of my exercise phys studies, I found out what caused that(weak wrist)but I was never going to be good/fast enuf to play well. The previous several years, he tried to play golf w/me. Was horrible at it for the same reason he's good at racquetball. He likes to kill the ball. Golf is more finesse.

Then again, he gave up bowling over 20 yrs ago. His back & work hours just didn't allow fitting in a league. He's talking about 'hanging out' at the barn with me. He claims he's not afraid of the horses(what??)so I guess we'll explore that possiblity more in the next couple weeks. Meanwhile I'd settle for walking the dog together. His back is better, but he has another month on the anti-inflammatory before the Dr. tries an MRI. His mood is better with the pain almost gone. As for why he wouldn't deal w/it early last year, who knows. He hides stuff & is stubborn about dealing. I don't care why, I just want him to quit it so we can have a better quality of life.

We'll see how it goes in next couple weeks. He's been doing yard work, cleaning the deck & is happy to be outside between rainy days. I'll probably be off for a week or so, but will eventually be back.
Jayce

[Jayce]

Guess I lied about being back in a week. Answer to those who ask "where is everyone?" Outside doing yard work, walking the dog, riding the horse. Working more days cuz staff are taking vacations. And golf league started. (You knew I wouldn't say H did a 180 & I haven't been out of bed long enough to check the computer LOL)
H feeling better from the NSAID's for his back. But after 2 mo. wrecked his stomach so he quit for 2 wks. He's been in a better mood. The 6-mo. CT scan looked good. His weight was up, so he's dieting. Maybe a happy healthy guy. Yay! L8R,
Jayce

[LG nm12]

Jayce,

I want to jump up and down and squeal like a little girl. I am so excited for you and your H. And I have so much respect for him for opening up to you and trying. What a man!

Wishing you so much joyful fun.

Sweet happy life!
Lucky