There was one moment in the mediation meeting that was interesting. I have this way of looking at my W that I think penetrates the fog, at least to some degree. She'll be talking to me, doesn't really matter about what, and I just look at her right in the eyes and get a kind but subtle smile on my face, like I have a secret I'm enjoying by but not willing to share. I stay locked right on. I don't even try to do it, it just happens. Of course the secret is how much I love looking at her.
Anyway, she's talking in the meeting about how we're going to split holidays with the kids, actually very serious and sad stuff, and I notice how beautiful she is, and I click into that look. She's talking to me, and after a few moments she notices the look. When the mediator was distracted for a moment, her face changed, her wall totally came down, she smiled and feigned annoyance, and silently mouthed the words "Stop it" to me. I gave her a look back like "What?" She gave me a cute look that said "You know." Then her wall went back up and she continued her serious talk. It was so cool, just a moment, but for that moment the connection was there.
I don't know where her head is. I can't conceive of her actually leaving our kids. It's impossible! But then again, I lever thought she'd leave me, and I never thought she'd have an A, so what do I know?
