Hopeful--I COMPLETELY agree. Old biker guys are not my idea of heaven on Earth. I have a girlfriend also now divorcing. She and her H have been in limboland for more than a year now and she's a lot further along in getting out and starting over. She's got a great outlook and is actually looking forward to dating again and having those high school-like feelings again with someone. But I'm with you....yuck. I don't want to do that crap again for any amount in the world.
That is so true. I always say the biggest difference for me is that when you first started dating someone at least you knew they somewhat "liked" you. Now I'm trying to get someone to fall in love with me again who is doing everything they can to pull away!
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I know I'm going to get crap for this one bc this whole process is not about what "I" want. BUT...I don't WANT those HS first time feelings for someone else, I WANT them for the father of my children, the man I ALREADY love! Ok gotta stop feeling sorry for myself - and I know you are talking about your friend's attitude and not telling me I should feel that way.
I do have to say the weird thing is...I can feel in the pits all day about this, but God is good. As soon as H pulls in the driveway, I am able to buck right up & be the most pleasant person in the world. And I actually feel happy. This is a total oxymoron, but it's pretty sad that H still makes me feel happy to just be around him.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Ugh - he's getting worse. He comes home tonight & will not even make eye contact with me! WTH! He will barely even talk to me...and when my kids were taking up the cushions on the couch that were further away from him which caused me to have to sit on the cushion next to him...the next time he got up, he moved pillows down at the other end of the couch to be further away from me! I am so sick of Dbing & getting treated like a piece of garbage.
I'm starting to wish he would just leave...then I could relax in my own home. Anyone have any suggestions on breaking the ice with him? Should I try to talk to him more or just leave him be? Then what do I do? Go upstairs into my room to watch tv in the evenings? That would be blatantly obvious that I would be trying to get away from him...which would probably cause him to think I was moping...
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
"Is the goal to get myself to the point where I do get a divorce bc I don't give a rat's @$$ about H either?"
I liked the way you asked that question. This part really stood out.. "Is the goal to get myself..."
To answer the question.. No.
We tend to "fight" ourselves alot in these situations.
"Do you mean emotionally? How do I "prepare"?"
Yes. Well "prepare" has many definitions. Running, Walking, Sleeping, Eating, Constructive Deconstruction. I can't define "prepare" for you. You have to define it. Again you need something to pull your mind out of this situation. Trust me.. it will start slow. But you will find "something" if you really look. You will know it when you find it. Are you looking?
"Why? What do you mean?"
If you follow the normal pattern.. you will "waffle" all over the place with your "emotions". It's normal until you get a handle on you.
"Do you mean this to be a good thing?"
To a point.. yes. How can two people that have completely different "stimuli" come to the same thoughts together? For the sake of argument.. if he can bring you to the same place he is.. can you "change" things?
"I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have."
Laurie was right. I used to use the "random smacking" idea. If I walked up to you on the street and smacked you across the face.. what would you do? No matter what you answer it will fall within the idea of fight or flight. If I need to explain fight or flight let me know. This "stitch" is not much different than a "random smacking". What happens if you see me about to smack you? Do things change?
Laurie is trying to get him to "see" the consequences of his choices. To a point I think that can be good. Laurie will be a good mentor for you. Your H may not think much of her.
"I always say the biggest difference for me is that when you first started dating someone at least you knew they somewhat "liked" you."
My wife hated me when we first met. Thought I was a sarcastic SOB. The bomb kinda felt the same way. To a point you could say he still "likes" you. He is still there.
"I do have to say the weird thing is...I can feel in the pits all day about this, but God is good. As soon as H pulls in the driveway, I am able to buck right up & be the most pleasant person in the world. And I actually feel happy. This is a total oxymoron, but it's pretty sad that H still makes me feel happy to just be around him."
Keep doing this.
"'m starting to wish he would just leave...then I could relax in my own home."
Sometimes.. the things we think that will save us.. just won't.
"Anyone have any suggestions on breaking the ice with him?"
Don't. Let him come to you. Sounds silly doesn't it?
"Should I try to talk to him more or just leave him be?"
Talk about random stuff. I had a talk with my wife today about me swimming at the pool in my underwear and making her mad (It was a dream she had). Then there was a elephant that got involved and it made no sense after that. We laughed about it.
"That would be blatantly obvious that I would be trying to get away from him...which would probably cause him to think I was moping..."
So what you are saying is he can "see" when you are faking it? What if you went upstairs cause you had a cool show you wanted to watch? He was blatantly trying to get away from you... but you stayed.
The biggest + you have is he is still there.. and going to MC.
If you hold a gun to my head.. the first thing I am gonna try and do it GTFO. Once I am out.. I am never coming back. I am gonna say things that get me closer to the door.
Think. What can you do to become a more "attractive" gunman?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I am totally with you on that. I have someone I love AND he's the father of my child. Done deal for me. No one else will ever be able to say that except for him....."I'm the father of her child". That's a huge deal for me.....him being my S's father just makes me love him more. I'm not sure how my girlfriend got to the place where she is ready to date again, but I just don't see myself getting there any time soon....I know probably again, I'll want to date and fall in love and all the rest of it, but now, not so much. I'm with you Hopeful.
If you look at the 180 section of DBing it says to do exactly that, a 180. If you normally start the conversations, stop. Be nice and answer his questions, but stop starting it. If you normally try to hang out at home, stop, smile when he gets there and happily announce you have something to do and leave the room, go do something that makes you relax, ESP in your own home. You're right, don't let him treat you like you have a skin disease. Him moving to the other end.....that's childish. A good buddy I found here explained something to me....sometimes they act like little kids having a silent fit because you told them no and now they want to pout. If one of your kids was acting this way, seemingly trying to hurt your feelings...what would you do? how would you handle it?
Yes. Well "prepare" has many definitions. Running, Walking, Sleeping, Eating, Constructive Deconstruction. I can't define "prepare" for you. You have to define it. Again you need something to pull your mind out of this situation. Trust me.. it will start slow. But you will find "something" if you really look. You will know it when you find it. Are you looking?
Okay - I just wasn't sure if you were meaning "legally" prepare. Although I have done my research here too.
My wife hated me when we first met. Thought I was a sarcastic SOB. The bomb kinda felt the same way. To a point you could say he still "likes" you. He is still there.
We were the opposite, H liked me, I was not attracted to him. When we first started MC in Feb , H said - I like her. Then we had a cruise planned for March, H still wanted to go, said he thought we'd have fun - we still did things together at this point. Although I wasn't DBing & constantly talking about R. By the time I started DBing in April, he had pulled away from me completely. He'll still do things such as call to ask if I want something while he is out. If he is getting a cup of coffee, he will get me one. Things like that.
"Anyone have any suggestions on breaking the ice with him?"
Don't. Let him come to you. Sounds silly doesn't it?
"Should I try to talk to him more or just leave him be?"
Talk about random stuff. I had a talk with my wife today about me swimming at the pool in my underwear and making her mad (It was a dream she had). Then there was a elephant that got involved and it made no sense after that. We laughed about it.
I am confused here. You told me to let him break the ice, but for me to talk about random stuff??? Which do I do? Or do you mean, once he initiates conversation, to feel free to talk about random stuff.
The biggest + you have is he is still there.. and going to MC.
Do you think MC is beneficial? I think this week has been a horrible week SINCE MC. I feel like we have regressed. Up until we went, I thought things were OK. Maybe I just have to learn how to respond in the MC session better.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
"Okay - I just wasn't sure if you were meaning "legally" prepare. Although I have done my research here too."
Good for you.
"He'll still do things such as call to ask if I want something while he is out. If he is getting a cup of coffee, he will get me one. Things like that."
Don't place a tremendous amount of value in this. I say that but I want you to look at why he is doing those things. I am of the opinion that the WAS did not wake up one morning with the intention of hurting you the way they do. At the very least he is being "friendly". People will show you how to move closer to them.. if you are paying attention.
"once he initiates conversation, to feel free to talk about random stuff."
Yup. If you want to just talk.. cause you are bored or something.. feel free to break the ice. There is no "hard rule" that you can't talk to him. Just don't let the situation (talk) digress into a R talk. Again using your perception of things and using words that don't point the finger will help a lot here.
"Do you think MC is beneficial?"
It can be. It can also be more of the same for the WAS. If you want my personal opinion from what you are telling me I think Laurie may be a better mentor for you than a MC for the both of you. Again.. that is a opinion of a random guy sitting on the other side of a keyboard.
"Maybe I just have to learn how to respond in the MC session better."
So you should "prepare" yourself when you "see" something coming?
You are doing fine.. just keep "looking" at what is going on around you. Life has a funny way of pointing out things you are missing.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
