Are you really asking him to accept that she did need to?? Do you believe that yourself??
I'm telling you that it may be semantics but seeing as the past is that past and they both did choose to be there and participate, yes, I do believe that.
I went through some horrible things as a child. I think there are adults who are culpable and there are no excuses. AND, that was what I needed to go through for one reason or another. Maybe it is the word "need" that bothers you. Of course it could have gone another way but it didn't.
Learning, growing, waking up in consciousness, taking responsibility, recognizing fault...excellent.
At the risk of p*ssing you off more, I'm telling you that allowing someone to abuse you is no favor to them. Both partners were lacking tools, boundaries, consciousness. And it takes however long it takes to see clearly, to break out. Some people never do. I am happy for Antlers and his W that change came.
There is more to life than being married just to be married...there is living and honoring yourself and another person...but yourself has to come first (and no, abusing someone else is not = to honoring yourself).
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can you accept that his taking responsiblity for his actions and understanding his wife's role as I've outline above may be his way of doing just that?
Yes, and I see that he has done that and maybe he needs to live in that space for a long time...not sure though.
I'm just not articulating this as well as I'd like. If you're interested in exploring further, I recommend Radical Forgiveness...it is extreme but enlightening as to how many difficult relationships are mutual processes with two willing participants working through something. Don't slam me, please...it is a very empowering concept for anyone feeling victimized or looking to forgive.
Antlers- your W may or may not find a way to see you as someone other than "that guy" in your M. I think you are right to have hope and also, as much as you love her, you know she needs to feel safe and heal and that is what you do for her now, you make it safe.
I was also thinking it could be cool for you to volunteer in some capacity to help abused or battered women. Make amends.
