You are at a point where you are ok with it being over, but be prepared for that to change.
I'm not sure yet how "ok" I am with it. Honestly, I have yet to live through all of the logistics of that and the lifestyle etc...I have accepted it though. There's nothing pleasant about this other than the occasional fun like last night. But, it still hurts.
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I do think you should be careful playing the "I may have a boyfriend" act.
I have no clue what his agenda is in pursuing this issue. I made it explicitly clear yesterday that coming out of this 14 year R and two kids, I am not getting involved with another man. I let him know that I am interested in other guys and like getting attention and that was on the heals of his reference to his "someone" and I wanted to relate honestly how the interjection of another person is very distracting and I'm mindful of that as I want to really be clear about the choices we are making. Once, last week, I mentioned that I might go on a date or two but that I will not have sex while I'm married. The fact that he taunts me and tries to get me to reveal more is indicative of I'm not sure what but it is better IMO, at this point to let him work it out. He even made up that some friend saw me out on a date...I just laughed because it is BS but I'm not even going to answer those non-questions. If he wants to have a real conversation, I'll do it AND I already told him so clearly that my focus is on healing and that I have things I am so passionate about pursuing for myself. I know I still care because I got nervous reading your post..."should I tell him where I was?" "Should I make sure he knows I'm not seeing anyone?" At this point, I think the ONLY chance he will come around is if he sees my train MAY be leaving the station.
AND, I am extremely offended that he is so clear that he wants someone who makes money, is successful creatively (famous) and has the time and energy to go out all the time...he has compared me to so many other women (even in yesterday's convo). That's nice, right? I'm the "best mom in the world" but why couldn't I have just made a couple hundred k on top of that? I can't get into the nuances and details of our convo but if H thinks I'm some kind of loser because I am "just a mom and wife" and I'm not uber-fabulous, well, I honestly can't afford to collude with that. If he doesn't see what I have left to explore and create and doesn't want to aid in my process of discovery or see what emerges during this separation...honestly, he's got to go. I have two kids and an H who travels and is out constantly, I am grateful that I have been able to be predictable and available to them.
And, the thing about the kids is that, I'm so ornery and impatient with them lately. H gets this really measured conscious AK, my kids deserve that too (even more so)...while I am with them, I need to be about them (not telling them to give me another 5 minutes because I'm busy on here posting, aargh).
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You were checking to see if he was interested.
Honestly, I wasn't checking anything. I heard that another person is involved and really messing with his head (his choice but I could see the turmoil) and I took that moment to by some divine force really recognize how that can impact one's decisions and I related to how just the thought of other guys influences me and I recognize the threat. Come on. My H just told me about a woman who is so much better and more fabulous than me and I'm thinking, hmmm...I wonder if he's still into me? Na. I've got more self esteem than that. I was thinking, human to human, "I wish for you that you don't let some lusty desperate ego thing destroy our marriage and our family." That was what was in my heart and truly, I don't wish him the torment of knowing that he will look back and have to live with it. I was being more of a friend than a wife at that point.
I'm not willing to compete anymore. It is an exercise in futility and I don't want to have to be that "perfect" to get him back.
I'm 37, I want to be with someone who is secure enough to love me through all of the impending stages...as I age and menopause etc. If he doesn't secure up as a man, he's gonna need a trophy to make him feel like enough. He so much as said it.
I believe at this point that his "someone" showed up a while back (I have ideas) and he reeked havoc on our R and then got the ammunition he needed to leave (me going at it with him) and is trying to play it off and reveal when he can still maintain good guy status...I'm not stupid AND, he did this once before...
