Our counseling sessions of late have been a mix of IC and MC, meeting separately with the therapist, and then coming back together again to tie things together. The sessions have also been a mix of discussing our respective pre-marriage histories (particularly childhood), but also hashing out current issues within our marriage.
Where we presently find ourselves is primarily a result of my wife's and my respective child-abuse histories, with the resulting so-called "attachment disorders:" where my wife's is of the intimacy-avoidance variety and mine is of the intimacy-craving variety. In the session on Tuesday, our therapist reiterated the fact that we are currently functioning (relationally) in a narrow band of overlap which is a bit uncomfortable for both of us --> not overly so for either, but still envelope-pushing for each. We both still get itchy about it on occasion, and it's a precarious enough "razor's edge" of intimacy-level overlap that it's easy to fall off and back into marital-crisis. With time and continued work, the path should widen and be more comfortable for both of us (and harder to fall off of too).
We're also finding it easier to regroup following the occasional conflict, a *much* needed improvement within our R. We still sometimes argue and disagree (all couples do, even in healthy marriage), but the important development is that we no longer let those arguments escalate, and we make up and regroup again much faster than previously. I think this is the result of three developments:
we've improved our communication level and communication skills measurably (RE: John Gottman's The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work);
we've processed and discarded much of our past resentment "baggage," such that all of the old hurts and anger -no longer- lurk so close to the surface (ready to erupt); and
we now *understand* each other far better, our respective male and female qualities and respective POV's, and we can thus each empathize with the other far better.
I was reminded of the above this morning, when my wife and I got into a heated argument over upcoming summer vacation plans. In the past, I would have eventually stomped out of the door to work and withdrawn to the silent man-cave for a day or two, while my wife would have gone into indignant, ruffled 'mother hen' mode. This morning, however, we took about 5 minutes of time-out while I got ready to go to work, and then came back together again, smiling about our behavior and putting forth the 'repair' effort to regroup, hug, kiss, and separate for the day in decent moods (rather than huffy ones).
Who'd of thunk we could actually DO that?! At this rate, my man-cave's gonna get all full of cobwebs and dust from disuse!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
