For me, there's been a strange turn of events. I met with a lawyer yesterday but before H and I talked about a few things...including that he will give the marriage program a try afterall. I am still 99% sure of divorce for us, but I was surprised. He did sign a new lease for a place in town that is furnished and it's month to month which is what I asked him to look for so if or more likely when I leave for Virginia, he won't be paying a lot of money to break a lease. We are going to start the marriage program again next week and have agreed to not talk about anything else for the rest of this week. He is going to start moving his clothes to his new place this weekend when he gets the keys on Friday. I have absolutely no idea why the change of heart as it relates to the program, but we'll see what happens. I decided to not even ask him why he wants to try it now. But I'm really not holding my breathe. I'm not even sure what I want anymore but I did make a pretty big stink about doing the program. My true hope is that we'll at least be able to figure some things out about ourselves and get along better. That's the most important thing for our son. I am going to continue to move forward with moving back to Virginia.
In terms of OW....of course you think about her. She's this idiot in his ear promising him a more simple and relaxed life....one without a failed marriage, that he had a big part in screwing up, one without the responsiblities of a family to care for, no failed business, again mostly his fault. You and your S represent "real life" for him and he apparently sucks at real life, this other idiot, this OW is a representation of the "something" he thinks he wants, which is little to no responsibility.
So my advice: MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE, but only you has to know you haven't shut the door on H entirely. I know you've gotten some 2X4's here for still wanting to see what could happen with your H. While part of me can say you and I are both stupid, another part of me truly understands the hope. Even MWD wrote many people report even stronger marriages after working through issues that almost ended the marriage. That's not a quote but it is the exact idea.
The good news is this: You are better than OW on every level. You are strong. Look what you've lived through. You are a mother, which is an amazing accomplishment. You are taking care of business as he seems to have no idea where his own head is and seemingly even more confused about where his a$$ is. To the best of my knowledge you have never gotten in the middle of a marriage or messed with another married person. You keep your head high. You ignore her. You ignore her existence. She will become irrelevant sooner than later. And most importantly, realize this: He will regret this. Not you. There will be a day when he comes back to you and begs for you to at least forgive him and most likely wants you to take him back. That's when you'll have decisions to make mdoodles. I agree with other posters, right now your H is making some really stupid decisions.....but I will keep hope with you, he'll figure that out sooner than later, before it's too late and you really move on, close the door here and find happiness without him.
Hang on mdoodles. More bumps ahead, but you can handle all of this. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Make some decisions on what you want, tell you H, don't be secretive like he's been and let him know, YOU are in charge of YOUR life, not him.
You just keep your head high. You can say this, which I love to say all the time "My heart and my a$$ have always been exactly where they were supposed to be. I have my dignity and my self respect because of this."
