I have been trying to catch up on your thread. See that things are not any better and I sure hate that for you.
I am going to bring up a subject that I can't remember if it has been discussed or not. Maybe when you first came on board......but, my memory is not what it used to be.... I was thinking about how young she is and it's not that you are very old yourself, however, that particular age in one's life is what makes a difference. Not how many "years" older you are than she is, but the fact she is in her early 20's says that she has not done enough "living"...as far as she is concerned. If she was in her 50's and you were 11 years older than her, it wouldn't make that much of a difference. At your age, you have probably sewed your wild oats and ready to settle down, however, she hasn't been out of high school that many years. I can't help but wonder if that doesn't have a lot to do with her behavior. I think that M and motherhood hit her hard and she discovered it wasn't as much "fun" or glamorous as she thought it would be. After the "new" wears off, then reality sets in. So, what do you think? Do you believe that all her heading out to party is due to her age or do you think she would feel this restlessness anyway? How mature to you think she is to face grown up "life"? Don't mean to make her sound like a little child, but to me.....she is. (lol) Just kidding. I won't discuss my age here, but she is very young. I was M and had a baby at her age and found myself very disillusioned with M and having a baby.
Anyway, just wondered about all of that and if I have brought it up before, just over-look me, please.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I completely agree with what you're saying. When we first met I was very weary of her age but found after time that we really did seem to be on the same level as to what we wanted out of life. I even went so far as to bring up that I thought she should live her life a bit more and experience new things. She was having none of it though. She was adamant that she'd lived as much as she needed to but wanted nothing more than family life with children. It was her who convinced me she was ready for the commitment and in time I came to believe her.
People still comment to this day about how they can't believe how somebody who was so glowing and happy on her wedding day can suddenly uproot everything and desire a life alone as a single mother. These are people from her side of the family too.
Still, I can't help thinking that the whole idea she was striving for didn't quite turn out to be as much fun as she first thought. Just as you say. Her friends are still young, single and enjoying themselves on nights out without anything holding them back. In a way, I know I should shoulder some of the blame in marrying her when she was so young but trust me, I wasn't easily convinced.
So, as much as I'm in agreement with you Sandi, it still leaves us with nowhere to go. No matter how much DBing I manage, I'm not going to be able to make her age any quicker. I've been thinking about it a lot actually and I think eventually she may come around to liking the idea of married life once again but it's not going to be for a number of years and only when her friends start settling down to lives of their own. I know that sounds defeatest but it's honestly the way I see it. The question is, what do I do in the mean time?
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I think eventually she may come around to liking the idea of married life once again but it's not going to be for a number of years and only when her friends start settling down to lives of their own. I know that sounds defeatest but it's honestly the way I see it. The question is, what do I do in the mean time?
It doesn't keep a heart from being in love with her just b/c she doesn't want to be committed any longer.....and that's where your problem lies. As long as her friends appear to have an exciting life as "singles", (and they probably make fun or critize M life), she is going to look at her M life as drab and boring.......no matter what you do to try to change for the better person. Whereas before M, she looked at the entire concept in a completly differnt POV. It is very natural for a girl that age b/c so many girls still see getting M as the ultimate highlight of her life. And....it usually is, but then the bills, job, and daily routine comes into play and it isn't as the storybook tale she had imagined. Of course, after one starts having children, it only adds to the daily grind.....if she isn't mature enough to handle it. As I said, I thought I was mature when I M at 18, but had too many things to hit that first year and it was very rough for me and I went through a "transition" of sorts b/c I felt very disillused about the whole thing. I also thought I wanted to go back to being single b/c my H seemed to have changed after we M (but of course, I changed drastically, also)and I was probably having post partum dempression after having the baby (but didn't know it at the time), I just thought I was very unhappy and blamed it all on my H. I think that is why I kind of see myself a little bit in this story. I wasn't the "party" type....but if I had had a group of friends who were the party going type, and had encouraged me to join them......I probably would have done it. At her age, her friends have a huge hold on her decisions, unfortunately, and probably impress her more than about anyone else.
Kevin, I am so sorry about this stitch. You were mature enough to know what you were getting into. You talked to her and tried to make her sure before making that leap. But she saw it as something that was every girl's dreasm.......of getting M and living happily ever after. So, now you are going through this bad time and I agree that it is going to take a long time for her to grow out of this phase of her life. I believe we discussed the possibility of her being depressed but if she won't do anything about it....then YOU can't. Her lifestyle combined with possible depression may take years for her to change. By that time, there is no telling what she may decide to do. Am I telling you to give up and file for a D? No, but I am saying that I think you should completely drop the rope and move on with your life as if you think she will no longer be your W--or the main focus any longer. She will always be a "part" b/c of co-parenting your son. And, speaking of your child, I personally do not think you should ever take a back seat where he is concerned. I know at his age now.....it will be harder for her to see him leave her b/c he is still in his baby stage, however, the next year or two she should be able to let go better. I know it was extremely hard to even let my two-year old stay with his grandparents for a weekend. When he got a bit older....I was calling and asking them to take him!
I don't want you to stop the great improvements you have made on yourself. But this is why DB teaches that you do not make self improvements to get the spouseback.....b/c the spouse may not ever come back. Those improvements, however, are for you so don't change. By emotionally "dropping the rope", you will set yourself free of the anger, disappointment, and hope......and you will stop clinging to every word she says and every deed she does and you will stop trying to disect it in order to understand the meaning behind every little detail. That is enough to drive a person crazy. So, mentally dropping the rope is good for the LBS. It frees you up emotionally and allows you to move ahead with your life and start really iving again. I know you have tried to GAL, but I don't think you have felt "free" b/c your mind is always on your W and the stitch. By setting yourself "free".....I don't mean free to go out with other women or things that you find morally wrong. I am speaking of feeling free of the emotionally bondage that you find yourself in at this time. I think by dropping the rope you will find peace and be able to relax. You are constantly thinking about how "you" can impress her enough to change her mind due to your hard efforts and when that doesn't happen, it feels as if you have lost precious ground work and have to start over. That will take a huge toll on a person and even if you do not realize it.....it does show up in you in other ways. It may show up in your work on your job or in a R with a friend, or your family........but I think the strain of all this finally comes out in some way. When you can emotionally/mentally drop the rope, then you relax and you really don't give a donkey's tail flip about what she says or does any longer.
Again, I am not suggesting you file for a D. However, if she does, I don't know that you should fight against it. Don't think it would change her mind right now. I do believe you should fight to have equal visitation rights with your child and for whatever is best for him. As long as you wish to stay legally M to her, then wait on her to make any moves to file.
I hope you will be able to move on and be happy b/c you are still a young man who has many years to enjoy life. Maybe another person is waiting around the corner who will be a woderful companion for you. Perhaps I shuld not say that and you may not even want to think that, but I am one who believes there is a possibility for another chance at finding love with another person. I have seen it happen too many times. I do want to say again that dropping the rope is an emotional/mental act on your part but does not mean you close the door to all "hope" of ever reconciling with your W.....as long as that is what you truly want to do. So, please understand that, okay? There have been a lot of people to say when their spouse was actually able to finally drop the rope, that that is when they realized what they were doing and it got their eyes open to what they truly wanted in their life. So, one never knows how it will effect your W.....but the real point is that it will help YOU to move on.....not a ploy to win her back into the MR. That is most important to realize, accept, and act upon.
Don't stop posting whatever you do b/c you still need a lot of encouragement until you feel that you are at the point of not needing to come back here to talk to us and to see what the board has to tell you. (lol) Seriously, keep coming back as long as you want to b/c we will continue to be concerned and to "care" very much what you are going through and how your life is progressing.
Take good care of yourself and I'll check back soon.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your words almost exactly give voice to my thoughts. I was trying to put down those thoughts though as I didn't believe I had given this whole thing long enough. So many people talked about things like how the WAS can have a change of heart after about 6 months etc, etc but I still knew in my heart that it was different with my W because of her age.
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Her lifestyle combined with possible depression may take years for her to change. By that time, there is no telling what she may decide to do. Am I telling you to give up and file for a D? No, but I am saying that I think you should completely drop the rope and move on with your life as if you think she will no longer be your W--or the main focus any longer.
I agree with this completely. I've been avoiding dropping the rope completely because I always had 'what if?' doubts in my mind. There's always been a barrier in my head not allowing me to let go.
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By emotionally "dropping the rope", you will set yourself free of the anger, disappointment, and hope......and you will stop clinging to every word she says and every deed she does and you will stop trying to disect it in order to understand the meaning behind every little detail. That is enough to drive a person crazy.
That is one of the main things hurting me right now. I just don't feel I can live like this any more. It is beginning to drive me crazy that the woman I love so much can be so cold towards me no matter how much I try. There's only so much rejection a person can take. I really don't want to go on like this.
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I do believe you should fight to have equal visitation rights with your child and for whatever is best for him.
The fact of this is that I'm not sure that equal visitation rights is in his best interests. She only works 2 days a week where I work 5. Even if he was to go to her every day I was working, I don't think it would be fair on him to be moved around so much. In the future when he starts school and it's less of an issue I would like to see equal visitation and I will be fighting for it. Right now though I just have to accept that I'm going to have him less than her because I want him to be as stable as possible. I know now he loves spending time with me and I intend to keep him enjoying it for the rest of his life. I will never take a back seat as a father no matter what else happens in my life.
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Maybe another person is waiting around the corner who will be a woderful companion for you. Perhaps I shuld not say that and you may not even want to think that, but I am one who believes there is a possibility for another chance at finding love with another person.
This same thought has been going around and around in my head. I know I want love in my life. I also know I don't need it to be happy but I truly do want it. I feel so guilty for thinking it but right now with the way my W is acting, I only want her back for the sake of our son. The way she is right now is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Nobody else will be the mother of my child though. That's something which is irreplacable.
As for continuing to post on here, I have no intention of stopping. There are great people on here who help me and others who need help. Even if my sitch works out perfectly, I'm still going to be a regular visitor to help anyone I possibly can. I've not been helping enough people lately but I will get back in to it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help Sandi, it means the world.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I was thinking about how young she is and it's not that you are very old yourself, however, that particular age in one's life is what makes a difference. Not how many "years" older you are than she is, but the fact she is in her early 20's says that she has not done enough "living"...as far as she is concerned. If she was in her 50's and you were 11 years older than her, it wouldn't make that much of a difference. At your age, you have probably sewed your wild oats and ready to settle down, however, she hasn't been out of high school that many years. I can't help but wonder if that doesn't have a lot to do with her behavior. I think that M and motherhood hit her hard and she discovered it wasn't as much "fun" or glamorous as she thought it would be. After the "new" wears off, then reality sets in. So, what do you think? Do you believe that all her heading out to party is due to her age or do you think she would feel this restlessness anyway? How mature to you think she is to face grown up "life"? Don't mean to make her sound like a little child, but to me.....she is. (lol) Just kidding. I won't discuss my age here, but she 
(lol) Seriously, keep coming back as long as you want to b/c we will continue to be concerned and to "care" very much what you are going through and how your life is progressing.