Couldn't sleep so I wanted to share some thoughts with you too.
I was thinking about myself when I came to this site. I quickly adopted the going dark thing. It was hard because H and I work at the same place. I would see him everyday. Be polite, listen, and that was it. He would call, I would do the same but never engaged in convo or shared my info. After a time I began to wonder how we were supposed to figure out how to work things out if we weren't talking or spending time together.
So I would test the waters, and retreat. Over again and again. Mostly because when I would engage with him, the strategies used made some difference, but ultimately I would feel hurt that things remained mostly the same. It was the same off and on for awhile. Dark, engaging, dark, engaging, no progress. I felt in limbo land and didn't like it.
All the time, I kept wondering how this was helping or not. At one point I finally reached the conclusion that it was either A)going to work or B) not work. So I took one more try, and you know the rest so far. I realized as others do here, withdrawal and giving space helps us to a point, and then we are supposed to move forward. Many get stuck in limbo and R suffer and die for lack of movement forward.
I think most don't realize that while we are disengaged or detached, we are to work on ourselves and learn how to do things differently so we can have a different R - hopefully one that works for both. It is real work and real change. Limbo land by itself accomplishes nothing except to tell the other we just don't care or don't know what to do so we will do nothing.
So, go to it. Engage with your W, start your engine and move forward in a positive direction. We are here to support you.
