Can't sleep so I want to share some thoughts with you.
What is similiar in our sitches is that while you live in a small town and know all that is happening with your exh, I work at the same place everyday and live under a microscope daily.
I was thinking about my behavior during our two S. The first time, I watched everything he did, said, and was either jealous of his interactions with others, or angry that I was the only one who knew he was a Dr Jekell and Mr Hyde. I made myself miserable. I thought about him all the time and had no life of my own. So when he tried to stop drinking without help or AA and asked to come back, I caved without a thought for myself and children.
As you know, it didn't last, he stopped and started over again many times. I became a better secret keeper and isolated and unhappy trying to control our life and what others thought of him and his behavior. I lost my BFF of 20 years as a result. I think I started to lose the respect of my children and co workers not because they knew the sitch but my behavior changed. We were around each other every day.
The second S, I had decided to avoid watching him. I stayed away from him and ignored any exchanges between him and others. It wasn't easy because he made it a point to be more sociable. I even had people telling what a wonderful man he was and how fast they take him if I ever let go. I heard him doing things for others that he would never do for me. But I just kept things in perspective, knowing it was all a lie, knowing he was sick and no one would guess. He was killing himself, and I didn't want to watch it. I wanted to stop it, but couldn't.
It was painful but got easier to mind my own business and just be polite when he talked to me, I believe nothing of what he said and did but I didn't confront him, it was useless. Caring about someone with an active addiction is watching someone self destruct, and you can do the same.
When I came here, I was bombarded with admonitions to think about myself and do for myself. To refocus my life on what I had instead of what I was missing. It was hard for me to get, because like you, I was faced with him everyday. This place helped me, YOU helped me. You let me see that I could care, that it hurt, and that I had to let go. You and your baby were a daily reminder that life goes on and it can still be special even when it hurts. Even the hurt lessened.
A is a progressive illness, your exh is physically, mentally, and emotionally ill. You can do nothing about it. You did what you could, putting distance between his illness and your life. Be sad but safe, loving and secure knowing you are ok and your children are ok.
I say all this because you have been a great supporter, you do what others are afraid to do, face the trouble and still care. There really comes a time when you have to put the distance in place, and let go of the watching, waiting and feeling isolated because your exh has an illness. There is not enough of anything in the world to fix that until he decides it matters.
I care about you and your family. You have been good to me, I will be here for you too.
