Trying to detach from the madness!

[Startingover2]

Just got home. When I was in town sitting at a stop light married woman, her husband, and children were sitting at the opposite light. She looked up and then looked right down. I have no idea if she knows me or not.

How sick. There she was with her little family in their little minivan with her little children and big husband after she slept with exh last night!

Yuck.

[kassie]

Can't sleep so I want to share some thoughts with you.

What is similiar in our sitches is that while you live in a small town and know all that is happening with your exh, I work at the same place everyday and live under a microscope daily.

I was thinking about my behavior during our two S. The first time, I watched everything he did, said, and was either jealous of his interactions with others, or angry that I was the only one who knew he was a Dr Jekell and Mr Hyde. I made myself miserable. I thought about him all the time and had no life of my own. So when he tried to stop drinking without help or AA and asked to come back, I caved without a thought for myself and children.

As you know, it didn't last, he stopped and started over again many times. I became a better secret keeper and isolated and unhappy trying to control our life and what others thought of him and his behavior. I lost my BFF of 20 years as a result. I think I started to lose the respect of my children and co workers not because they knew the sitch but my behavior changed.
We were around each other every day.

The second S, I had decided to avoid watching him. I stayed away from him and ignored any exchanges between him and others. It wasn't easy because he made it a point to be more sociable. I even had people telling what a wonderful man he was and how fast they take him if I ever let go. I heard him doing things for others that he would never do for me. But I just kept things in perspective, knowing it was all a lie, knowing he was sick and no one would guess. He was killing himself, and I didn't want to watch it. I wanted to stop it, but couldn't.

It was painful but got easier to mind my own business and just be polite when he talked to me, I believe nothing of what he said and did but I didn't confront him, it was useless. Caring about someone with an active addiction is watching someone self destruct, and you can do the same.

When I came here, I was bombarded with admonitions to think about myself and do for myself. To refocus my life on what I had instead of what I was missing. It was hard for me to get, because like you, I was faced with him everyday. This place helped me, YOU helped me. You let me see that I could care, that it hurt, and that I had to let go. You and your baby were a daily reminder that life goes on and it can still be special even when it hurts. Even the hurt lessened.

A is a progressive illness, your exh is physically, mentally, and emotionally ill. You can do nothing about it. You did what you could, putting distance between his illness and your life. Be
sad but safe, loving and secure knowing you are ok and your children are ok.

I say all this because you have been a great supporter, you do what others are afraid to do, face the trouble and still care. There really comes a time when you have to put the distance in place, and let go of the watching, waiting and feeling isolated because your exh has an illness. There is not enough of anything in the world to fix that until he decides it matters.

I care about you and your family. You have been good to me, I will be here for you too.

[Startingover2]

Kassie..you are so sweet. I am sitting her crying and reading those words. I know you know exactly what it is like to be with an alcoholic and its destructive path.

I know I need to choose to let go. There are days when I feel like I am and then something happens and I get sucked right back in. I also journal dates and times in a log for future use and I notice a pattern...if exh and I are together alot, meaning if he is visiting alot and I let myself become friendly or a social thing like last weekend I weaken.

I really also hate being single. At 44 with a toddler the chances of me meeting someone who will accept that are pretty small. So any crumbs exh throws my way attention wise I eat up. Financially I am so strapped where I wasn't before. My kids are going through major life changes by just plain old growing up and know its just a matter of time before they fly away too.

I also know the day is fast approaching where I will have to defend with everything I have to not let exh get unsupervised visits. The older she gets the closer it is.

You are right Kass...I cannot control him or his drinking. I just want to prevent him from destroying anymore of my life by being proactive and prepared. Almost to an obscession which is not good.

[Startingover2]

Wow...I have a question.

I just realized this weekend is Father's Day!

I will get exh a card from baby. Since its Sunday and a typically non visit day do I let him come that day? I think our papers say he gets to see her that day. No problem. So, I make him walk here or do I be nice and take her to his house? I don't want to start something stupid by bringing her over there.

[kassie]

Whatever you feel comfortable doing seems to work. I know he is the father and I respect that fact, but he hasn't done much of a job to show he wants it. Get a card from her, call him and see what plan he has in mind and think it over.

My exh and I were pretty uncomfortable the first year or two with holidays and sharing the kids. We didn't do such a good job of respecting the other. Maybe it is just the way people are. It mostly depends on the type of R you had before.

About the other, there will be someone out there, like my h, if it is a 'problem" to have a small child, you can always live apart and still have a close R. Most men fall into two categories, those who accept parenting, and those that don't. I didn't seem to note a problem when dating, at 46 with one in elementary school and one in middle school. It would have been fine with me to have lived sep. but have a steady R. It was my H that wanted to live with me from the start.

Cheer up. Things will get better if you allow them to.

[Startingover2]

Going to try to detach as much as I possibly can.

1. No more responding to give baby a kiss texts. They only are for his benefit and manipulation. He wants to kiss baby, he can kiss her himself.
2. The only texts I will respond to are ones asking how she is. My answers will be short and to the point. If he engages beyond that..I won't respond.
3. Find things to keep me busier and out of the house especially on the weekends. Money is so darn tight..that will be tough.


He will not like this at all. He will get very angry with his words and accuse me of keeping him from baby and being childish (thats his new favorite word).

I looked for Father's Day cards yesterday. I didn't get one. It was hard to find a card that wasn't a complete lie. Part of me doesn't even want to get him a card. She has no clue so it would be from me. If anything, we may make one.

Yesterday MIL called and said how great exh sounded this week after his episode on the weekend and said I needed to keep praying for him. He may be turning a corner. I ended up telling her that I hear through the grapvine that he is involved with a married woman. She accused me of gossip and that it couldn't be true. He told her he was interested in a woman with three kids and that I am jealous, mean, and vindictive. I got mad and told her she needed to get off the denial train and see what her son is doing. Made my excuse and got off the phone. She is another that will go to VM. His sister also text'd me. She lives locally and before the weekend she hadn't seen baby since Xmas. Now she is texting and wanting to spend some time together so baby can know her auntie. Yuck.

I am sick of hurting. Next month will be one year since I kicked him out. I fully expected to be farther along than this.

[volleydog]

good you have a plan you just have to stick to it. Every day it will get a little easier I promise that. I know it was hard but I'm glad you told your MIL about your ex's affair weather she believes you or not it HAS to put a little doubt in her mind.

[Startingover2]

Thanks VD...I just wonder if I should have opened my big mouth. I believe I am the only one who knows about the married woman as disgusting as it is. How can she say it was gossip after everything exh has done? Amazing.

I started with my new plan last night. He sent a text asking if we were home and how baby was. I said fine. He asked if I was in a bad mood..probably because of my short answer. I told him I was in a great mood and really busy.

Later he said "nite to you and baby" I didn't respond...YEEESSSSS!

[Startingover2]

So MIL left me a message today. I didn't answer as part of my new plan.

She basically was angry with me because I was slandering her son's good name. Yeah right. That I have no idea if that is true or not and WE need to give exh the benefit of the doubt. She said she raised her children to have morals and values and she would be surprised if exh would get involved with a married woman. Can you spell denial?!

Exh sent a text earlier asking how baby was. I said "shes good" which is my standard response. He sent back "did you get my text last night?" Guess what? I didn't respond.

Today is a visit day. Wonder if he will show?

[blindsided1]

Hang in there. I made H a card from K. That's it. But, I also made one for his Dad. So, he isn't singled out and it's not from ME. I get tired of him thinking that everything I do is because I want to talk to him or see him. I haven't wanted that in months, actually, I would rather have the opposite.

Be careful about telling MIL anything. I refuse to talk to my MIL about H anymore. It is better for us.