"Exposure" vs. "Shame"

[pearlharbr]

I started out trying to follow the DB coach's advice to be the better woman and let the A run its course. But it was taking a terrible toll on my self esteem (as Puppy witnessed). I decided to end his cake eating and make the choice for him.

Prior to that I had exposed to his family because we were supposed to go see them for Christmas together. I knew he wouldn't say anything to them about what was going on and just let them assume that I didn't want to spend the holidays with them. Since there were already hard feelings between me and his mother I felt that I could not let this go without explaining my side. To not say anything would further damage that relationship which would be important if BF and I ever worked things out. I also told his best friend because we are named as custodial guardians of their daughter in their will and I felt that was an important issue that needed to be addressed. They had a right to know that we had split up and when best friend's wife asked why I told her the truth.

Other than that only a couple of my closest friends knew. After I kicked him out I was honest with everyone who asked why we broke up. I wasn't exposing out of revenge or with thoughts that it would hasten the demise of the A. In general I am an oversharer. I have no problems discussing personal things with my friends and feel close to others through sharing. So I did it because it was no different than any other issue that has come up in my life.

Like Saffie I explained that there were issues between us before BF's affair and that I took responsibility for those problems, but the cheating was all on him. So pretty much all my friends and family have at least the basic details of what happened. And BF knows that. That didn't stop him from wanting to come back a month after I threw him out. It hasn't been an issue in our reconciliation process thus far, not sure if it will be in the future. I've had to deal with telling them that we're working things out knowing that overall they think I should have just walked away. If BF wants to repair his relationships with them then that's his responsibility, not mine. Just another facet of choose the actions, choose the consequences.

Did exposure help end the affair? I don't think so but I haven't asked BF so I'm not sure. His parents never mentioned to him that I told them what was going on between us. His best friend was completely supportive of BF and although best friend's wife was furious with BF she never said anything to him. None of my friends or family ever contacted him.

Did exposure hurt our chances at reconciliation? Not yet.