Do you see her when kids are exchanged? School events? Anything?
I love that you take responsibility. I think it is virtuous and necessary.
I don't believe that you have truly forgiven yourself and I don't blame you.
I have to ask, was there anything she could or should have done differently? I am not saying blame the victim if you were abusive. I am not saying accept or defend your sh*tty behavior. I am asking for the sake of understanding your dynamic (which requires two dysfunctional people to perpetuate), what was her part?
I'm assuming you were together for quite a long time. What was her deal?
I promise you, I am not trying to take your hard earned accountability from you AND if you want to change and live an love, you've got to be able to see this objectively and know that she did this dance with you. Ok, she's done, that's good! She's awake and changing and taking responsibility to some extent by saying "no more" (which is a gift to both of you because you suffered being the guy you were). So, now, it is your turn to recognized that even at your worst, you served her in some way (sorry if I'm offending some)...please take a look at the book I recommended, it is very eye-opening. Can you accept on any level that she needed to go through whatever that was and so did you?
As for the loss and regret, we are ALL there, regardless of perceived degree of culpability. I had a friend who knows H say to me tonight that I clearly did everything I could in my M. And I argued with her about it. Regardless, there's no way to lose that feels good, especially when someone else appears to be in control.
Here's a radical thought, maybe for you to be a better man and reach your potential and learn how to really love, you need to lose that R. And you can't be an improved you and be with an unchanged her. You know? Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm making sense to me. What you have described is a sick R with two participants. A total game change is necessary. Hopefully, she will see her part and it goes way beyond that she allowed herself to be with you. Trust me, she's got plenty to work on. And, what if she doesn't change, doesn't grow, wants to be angry and blame you forever? Is that the W that will fit with the super improved Antlers. I'm not messing around here. At some point the LBS has to stop being "left behind." It is just so unhealthy. I'm telling you, I personally can't take it anymore. I am sovereign individual not someone who only exists in the context of who I am to H. I know you get this but I feel you are still hanging on. When do you get to stop chiding yourself? You really do that. When do you start anew?
I heard a guy speak not too long ago. He had actually killed someone in an alcohol fueled rage. After he was released from prison, he went on to save an entire family from a burning building (happenstance), was pardoned and subsequently went back to school, got a masters in psychology and now counsels other addicts.
What you have described is a sick R with two participants. A total game change is necessary. Hopefully, she will see her part and it goes way beyond that she allowed herself to be with you. Trust me, she's got plenty to work on. And, what if she doesn't change, doesn't grow, wants to be angry and blame you forever? Is that the W that will fit with the super improved Antlers. I'm not messing around here. At some point the LBS has to stop being "left behind." It is just so unhealthy. I'm telling you, I personally can't take it anymore. I am sovereign individual not someone who only exists in the context of who I am to H. I know you get this but I feel you are still hanging on. When do you get to stop chiding yourself? You really do that. When do you start anew?
