Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

I'm going to tell you right now (having not read the whole thread yet), every time I check in and see how guilty you are, I want to scream. Maybe you can take this space and get a more objective picture of what happened and the role your wife played. When H left, he laid it all on me and I lapped it up because I knew there were kernels of truth. It took me a while to see the traps that were set for me and how I was mistreated.

You will not get anywhere IMO while you are feeling guilty and left behind. We all have choices and it is her choice to decide that she is done...that is a painful choice but of course she is entitled.

I want to read back. Lots going on with me. I need to get some more things done (GAL)...but I have had this feeling when I come to your thread. I don't think I could really be attracted to someone who was that guilty. See SP's thread. You can feel culpable for your part, commit to doing better AND recognize the ways that your own best self was suppressed in the R.

I suggest you read Radical Forgiveness (Colin Tippens I think)...

As long as you have been so unforgiving of yourself, I don't think she can forgive you either.

This is a bit esoteric. You don't have to be in physical contact for that dynamic to change. And, no I'm not religious but there is an energy factor IMO.

Can you, for the sake of expediency just recap what your sitch is right now? Living separately? Communicate how frequently? Kids?

Hey aliveandkicking,

I'm not a martyr. I don't take the blame for things that I'm not responsible for. But it would be dishonest of me to try to convince myself that things were other than what they were. How could I 'get better' if I weren't honest about the situation? I'm brutally honest, especially when it comes to this. I had a lack of compassion, plain and simple, and it resulted in a lot of anger, resentment, and verbal abuse on my part. Unfortunately, I vented these negative emotions at my wife. My feelings had nothing to do with her either...it was me! I had some insecurities (feelings of being inadequate and unlovable), and I didn't know how to deal with them appropriately. I am objective. I can see clearly now, where I couldn't before. I know so much more, and I feel so differently now. She put up with more from me than probably any 20 women would have. She didn't 'lay' it on me...I knew that I had some problems. I just didn't know what they were or how to deal with them in the right way. I was controlling and overbearing...I was a mean prick! I took her for granted and didn't place the importance on her that she truly deserved.

I wouldn't say that I feel guilty, but I do feel a tremendous amount of remorse for my past behavior. I messed up bad, and I know it. And it's hard to lose something so cherished and special (her) because of my past behavior. I am getting somewhere, as I am so much better than I have been in the past. That's not to say that I don't miss her and am 'over her'. She reminds me of the WAW that Michelle talks about in her article on the subject on this site.

I'm not guilty...I've just shouldered my responsibility for my share of the problems...and they were overwhelmingly my fault. I'm not a martyr...that's just the plain truth. And it's hard to live with. The loss is bad enough, but to have lost it because of my selfish and self-centered behavior (lack of compassion), well...it's a hard truth. I can't lie about the reality of the situation in order to be attractive to somebody. I am committed to doing better, and I truly am much better now than a couple of months or more back.

I am forgiving myself. I'm human, and I screwed up bad. God has forgiven me, I believe. And I hope my wife will one day forgive me, for her own benefit as well as for me. I believe my children are forgiving me too!

"As long as you have been so unforgiving of yourself, I don't think she can forgive you either." That makes sense. I am forgiving myself, and I hope she will forgive me too...for the reasons I stated above. She suffered a lot of unhappiness because of 'me'...and I suffered a lot of unhappiness because of 'me'.

Well, we're not in any physical contact...darn! I know, and believe, that if only one person in the relationship changes...the relationship itself 'has' to change. That's the dynamics of it. I put a lot of stock in what Coach says...and I sure hope he's right!

Right now, I live in our home. She moved out on Feb. 22nd. She lives a few miles down the road. We share our kids 50-50. We are separated. Nothing legal has been filed as of yet. We have 3 kids...a son who is 11, a daughter who is 12, and a daughter who is 20 (she lives in her own place). Our only communication is regarding the kids, and it is almost always texting. She has told me some pretty hurtful things since she moved out, and she has had a tremendous amount of anger towards me, especially after we separated. I'm living in limbo right now, although I am actively working on myself, and have been...for a good while now. I'm getting it done too! I still have some pretty low periods, I guess we all do...but I am a better man than ever, I am a better father than ever, and I will be a better partner than ever...someday.