Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Givingitmyall and Puppy: Thank you for your responses. I’ll definitely keep posting.

Sandi2: Yes, I am thick-skinned. You made some provocative points …thank you for your candidness. Please keep responding to my posts…I am not offended. So let’s start.

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I am going to be personal but most of us here on the board get pretty plain b/c people have to know what is going on in order to be helpful, so to come to the point, may I ask if your W has not been very "giving" in the sex department? I have a feeling that things have not been what they ought to be for a long time. Also, what do you look at when on the computer night after night? Are you into porn? A lot of men have confessed to turning to porn when their W would not have sex with them. Maybe it is what you said....or how you said it that made me wonder.

-We have had a very good sex life up until 4 months ago. As far as the computer goes...I read USA Today, ESPN, Sports Illustrated, CNBC, autotrader etc…no porn. For me, this would be against my moral beliefs.

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You have made yourself sound like a great guy.....and I hope you are. Of course, we only have "your" side of the story. So, like it was told to me one time......"you" are the one that is here, therefore, you are the one we must talk to. I have to say that I have too much pride to endure from my H what he endured from me. I think I may see that in you, as well.

-No, I’m not a great guy, otherwise I wouldn’t be in my current predicament. However, I am definitely not a bad guy either. I simply have not handled the “tough times” as well as I should have. My pride is a killer…I need to work on this point. Both of our families have said…”You guys are both very good people who simply are not communicating on the same channel…you need professional assistance.” Both sides of our families want us to stay together. They all thought we had the perfect marriage.

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got to tell ya, if you don't change some of your attitude about this MR, I don't think it stands a chance! You are OK with a D....you just don't want to be made a fool of??? So, which is more important to you, a M or pride? You perfer to stay M to her, but you don't need her. Okay, is that your way of saying you might not care one way or the other? And now, you are thinking there are plenty of women out there for you! Well, you are probably right.....but will you fall in love with any of them......or does it matter at this point?

-You are correct about my attitude, however, I'm simply trying to detach. Maybe this is wrong. I let my emotions rule at the most inopportune moments. Point accepted on pride versus M. I did not realize how prominent my pride, ego, and attitude comes across. Thank you for pointing this out. I do care about saving my marriage, otherwise I would not bother with DB. I love my children with all of my heart and do not want to do anything that would potentially hurt them, especially divorce. I wonder if I’m subconsciously starting to prepare for the inevitable, or am I detaching? I’m not sure on this point. I do not think that there are plenty of women out there for me, just that there may be one out there that is right for me. I thought it was my wife…she may still be the one. Maybe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life…I don’t know. I love my wife very much, but if she truly no longer loves me, moving on with life would simply provide sanity for me. Maybe it’s inappropriate to start thinking about the future at this time. Patience is definitely a virtue.

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You've got to be kidding! In other words, the part that is "difficult" for you all goes back to being worried that you may be made a fool of. It's not that you would be destroyed that she fell for another man.....just don't make "you" look bad....right?

-What I meant by saying I’m o.k. with an affair is that I made my bed… now I have to sleep in it. I deserve it. Of course it would hurt my inner soul if my wife fell for another guy. My life would be shattered. My life is currently shattered. It just seems that whatever I do, I can’t get out of my tailspin. I need help.


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Like I said.....unless you change your way of thinking, you can bet that you will find enough "excuses" to stop trying to save the M and pursue after other women. Sounds to me as if you have your W on some type of "time table" and are just waiting for it to be over so you can go out and play.

-I do not want to go out and play. I want my wife back. I wonder if this is simply my way of putting up defense mechanisms against being hurt. My instincts are to tell W how sorry I am and that I still love her very much and that I want our marriage to work, but DB and other books talk about detaching and not begging. I am very confused on this point. As far as the timetable thing, patience is not my strong suit, I will definitely have to work on this.

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That's strange, you don't sound like a man in pain. Of course, you have to realize that I am looking at this from the POV of an almost WAW, so that is JMHO.

-I have cried more times in the last 8 weeks than I have in my whole life. I am in pain and I think my natural defense mechanisms may be overshadowing by DBing. I think about this situation all day long. This isn’t healthy. I have anxiety attacks about four times a day.

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Like I said.....unless you change your way of thinking, you can bet that you will find enough "excuses" to stop trying to save the M and pursue after other women. Sounds to me as if you have your W on some type of "time table" and are just waiting for it to be over so you can go out and play.

-I want to be very clear that I do not want to pursue other women. I have/had a very good woman for the last 12 years. I/We simply have lost our way(s) in recent times. I want her back. The walls that my W has put up seem insurmountable to me at this time, especially if there is another guy.

To address some of your other points:
(1) Wife, kids, and myself are very healthy.
(2) Wife and I both have full time jobs. It’s just that my wife has to travel alot with her job.
(3) I’m 38 and the W is 35.
(4) No life burdens at all
(5) And you are correct…our situation is very sad considering all that we have.

As far as sticking this out…I have my moments where I can be strong for years to come. I have other moments where I’m ready to call an attorney and give up. This is definitely an emotional rollercoaster ride, but I deserve it. I pray every day that the Lord can give me the strength and wisdom to do the right thing and see this through.

I hope my response clears up some of your concerns. I am not an indifferent jerk, but it appears that my writing style frames me in such a manner…or maybe its just my defense mechanisms…I don’t know.. But one thing for certain…I desperately want to save my marriage. This is very clear to me. Please keep responding to my posts. I have read your replies to other folks and it seems like you are full of great knowledge, very sincere and helpful. I am willing and eager to hear more comments and advice from you.

Thank you,
LFH