Sandi's Place

[sandi2]

Hi Stuck! I've been doing as well as expected (as the doctors say...lol). I am feeling better after getting over that nasty flu! I appreciate you checking on me.

I see you posting to others and it makes me feel good to know you are reaching out to help others. I get spread a little thin and in fact, get distracted and have to backtract to find my way to the ones I use to talk to....lol. So, if I go awhile without chatting....just hunt me down and holler at me.

I know you are still hurting in your stitch and it is a huge struggle. Just don't give up yet. Keep working and trying to make a life. Focus on enjoying each day as it comes. That is what I am trying to learn.

Oh, here comes a storm and I've got to go.

Talk later.

Sandi

[traveldane]

Hi Sandi,

just stopping by your thread to say a quick hello. I see (read) that you have been sick. So sorry to hear that. Hope you continue to recover and feel stronger :-)

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

You hang in there and ride out the storm. I actually posted a question to you on my thread when you have a chance.

Stay healthy and strong.

{{{stuck}}}

[innishannon]

Dear Sandi (et al)
Ok, I have now cleared some mind space to sit down and write about the last few days which have been very very difficult for me personally but, I suspect, beneficial in terms of moving things along my end.

I finally addressed the issue of our D's distress and emailed my H re possibly making a time for her to see a specialist counselor. I also told him about the piece of writing that she had done in her English journal and subsequently gave him a copy for his records.
We met last Friday and had a chat for about an hour in the local hotel; it was calm and non-confrontational. We mainly spoke about our daughter and what needs to be done. My H also said a few things about our M:
*He left because he believed that it was "toxic" and that it was in everyone's best interests that he pulled the plug (interesting that he felt so confident that he knew what was best for us ALL)
*He has a huge amount of resentment and anger towards me still but he really wants to get over it and through it to the next phase of all of our lives.

Last Tuesday was a lot more of an angry discourse. this was the first eve that we addressed our D's distress in this splitting of the marriage and he wanted to leave the house to go back to work at OW's house in prep for a conference meeting that he was chairing the following day. I accepted it on one level but spoke out that it would be great if he would perhaps take 20 mins just to have a prelim chat about things; considering she is our D. He became angry accusing me of blackmailing him into staying. Then he proceeded to embark on a twenty minute tirade about a man who is a good friend of mine, I met him 5-6 years ago in London. we became emotionally close but nothing sexual ever happened. I met him at a time where I was feeling low and particularly unloved i my marriage. But I was always and have always been faithful to my husband. I told my H about this man and at the time he was very calm and told me that he loved me and wanted the marriage but that I would need to make a choice. In my mind there was no choice, I wanted my husband. It is only now that the true anger and hurt is coming out. My H ranted about this particular man, accusing me of not only being in love with him but that i did indeed have sex with him (a total lie.)He also brought up small incidences and comments that were made over 4 years ago, with teh clarity as if it were yesterday. He then proceeded to question whether this man really ever existed (another move at painting em out to be delusional).

We had a long chat yesterday, around 2 hours. He is brutal about the R, saying that in terms of us we are DONE, that the marriage is dead and has been for a while, that it is TOO LATE and that he doesn't love me anymore. He also proceeded to tell me that I have the POTENTIAL of being a wonderful person but that I am completely narcissistic, self-centred and highly manipulative towards my family and friends.
I have NEVER been in the position where I have felt so invalidated, especially by someone who i have loved and who I married.
He also said that he never really wanted to get married. I said to him that in my opinion marriage is a COMMITMENT, for better or for worse, at which point he then scoffed. "Standing for your marriage? are you trying to tell me that you will not be having another relationship in your life?" i told him that I felt this was a private matter and that it was not his business at the present time. I said that I believed that God will reveal the truth. He laughed at me; "the only people that feel that way about marriage are heavily committed Catholics who are theologians. Well, if you want to do that fine, its completely your life but i will not be a part of it'

Rejection, rejection etc

He also said that I have profoundly wounded him.
He says that he is going through the biggest crisis of his life.
he doesn't know what is going to happen with OW (mmmmm dont trust him here.....)

He seems so clear.....about me. Does not want to be a part of this any more.

Is it MLC? I still think so but.....

I have prayed to God for his guidance. I was in our local pub when I looked up at a football team photo and underneath were the words "with bravery and faith anything is possible"

Is this a sign for me to keep faith?

Sometimes I am just unclear about which way to go. My pain has been great these last few days; feeling the loss of my M, my H, feeling the pain of the OW and his obvious connection to her.Feeling his complete rejection of our marriage.

Not sure whether I am moving forwards, backwards or staying still?

I x

[innishannon]

By the way, thanks for your care and support Sandi, and I so hope that you are feeling a little better

I x

[innishannon]

My H seems to be so calm, rational and resolved about our M most of the time.
Does this mean he is still in crisis (by his own admission). I guess I have always felt that you wouldnt be so "together" if you were in crisis.
Ne says he has no idea what is ging to happen in his professional life (he may be out of a job from January) and his personal life (mmmmm) but he is clear about us.

Sad it is Sandi, they push away the people that love them the most. I have been in relationship with him for 10 years unlike OW's 5 1/2 months.

Sometimes the fog seems so entrenched. How have others kept the faith?

Hope you are feeling OK and really looking forward to hearing from you

I x

[innishannon]

Sandi, just a quick question..........
What are your views on the OW?
First my H says a few weeks ago to my mother "Its ot an important relationship". Now he is denying he said that but says that its not important or important. He doesn't know what is going to happen.
You say its not about the OP. My H as I knew him was not the sort of man to jump into affairs etc. I cant help but being run by my fear that she is his soulmate and I am and have been a dress rehearsal for the last 10 years. When our spouses work closely with the OP they have a work connection and for men its a vital part of how they perceive themselves.

He seems to have lost a sense of what is good and possible with me; he sees no possibility.
I have made mistakes but I know how much love I have to give someone.

Just thought I would share my musings

I x

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

I had a quick question for you that I posted on my thread if you could check it out when you have some time from not saving the world from divorce. : )

[cire2]

Hi Sandi,

Good to see you plugging along and dishing out all the advice.

cire

[antlers]

Hey Sandi.

I miss hearing from you as often as I used to. I hope you're doing OK...and I know you stay busy trying to help folks out here on this board. Bridgestone just posted on my thread...and she hit the nail on the head. Would you check it out when you get a chance? Thanks. TTYL.

antlers