GETTING UN'STUCK'

[25yearsmlc]

Stck

I am not proud of what I'm about to tell you, but maybe it'll help you.

Long ago, I came very close to having an affair during the first Gulf War. I struggled within, and shared with my sisters and dad what was going on in my head and heart, as my m was in a vulnerable time (h was an intern working 80 hours per week and coming home so sleepy he'd drop at the kitchen table, literally and often, or was so irritable AND I had a full time job and oh, I had joined the Army for H since he owed them for schooling but I got deployed to the Gulf War and he didn't since he was in med training....nice irony...we had two little ones.

Then Some guy who looked like Kevin Costner came to work in my office...yikes. He was interested, and let's leave it at that.

I was so freaked out that someone as MORALLY UPRIGHT AS ME....could be so human and flawed, that I'd get a serious "love crush" on someone at a time of vulnerability in the M...I was lonely. But there I was thinking about breaking a commandment...wow...

I went to see a chaplain first, and also a shrink (I had a hard time reconciling my self image with the things I was thinking of doing...) and worked it out, privately with them, and God and for the record, THANK GOD h did not find out and "expose" me.

I can tell you for sure I'd have wanted to run to OM and might have. I think we'd have divorced that year. At least we'd have permaently altered our m for the worse, and our last child would not have been born..

I would have hated my h, partly b/c he'd have done it out of revenge or the desire to punish or hurt me "like I had hurt him" or his pride, big time, and of course at the time I felt justified in almost having the A, b/c the m was vulnerable due to his career choices which I did NOT make....see how we can rationalize and honestly, I still think I had a point...not enough to cheat I know, but a POINT, okay?

But I didnt' do that. On my own, I made the journey to a chaplain who suggested I do theater to channel my passions and get some of the needs met I felt were not met in the M, but safely...Though I chose to remain married and keep my vows heck yes, I daydreamed a lot and was preoccupied for months. In hindsight it's embarrassing now to recall my thought process then but hey, that was then. This is now.

Let your wife daydream b/c you can't stop it!! AND sometimes those daydreams get realistic and you think out the end game of your fantasy, like "what happens when you leave h for OM? Who IS OM? What if OM isn't so great after all? Isn't the "great thing" about OM that he has more time than h??? is that really a "character trait"? What will you tell your children and what if they cry? What will you tell h and what if h cries?"

(THAT THOUGHT KILLED ME THE MOST...H AND THE KIDS CRYING...no way) ..AND as my sisters and dad asked me (I confided in him which was really odd but really helpful) "how are you going to look in the mirror and feel about yourself in 50 years if you leave h for OM?" And dad asked me if I could "find another way to act on my passions" which is what the chaplain said! (I know, what are the odds?)

Just thought I'd pass that on. Some spouses do come around on their own and when that happens I think the chance of ultimate success is greater b/c obviously they made the choice to remain married on their own.
I chose to keep my vows without pressure from anything external and without someone condemning or judging me..thank God, literally. And I chose also to "fall in love again" with my h but I don't believe if I'd seen anger from him at that time, that I could have done it.

That experience taught me a lot about my judgmentalism and rigid black and white views and, that sometimes good people make bad choices. (That book I suggested-Blue Like Jazz- reinforced this) and a lot of those feelings resurfaced in me, which is why I posted that piece on shame the other day. I think shame is destructive. I'm using the word precisely so let's not get into the semantics and call it "conscience" b/c that is what was GOOD in my sitch, not shame...anyhow, I hope this helps you some b/c it sucks to write it out.

Then again, thanks to that crazy experience, I was more able to remember despite H's MLC behavior, H was/is a great man who has made some crappy choices...and your wife may well be a great woman in the same boat. Try to let her work things out for herself if you can and just support her in that journey. What are the other issues that you have control over anyhow?

I pray my h won't have another episode of whatever the MLC was. And b/c of my other experience (which h does not know about nor does he need to), I know if a guy who looks like Kevin Costner comes to work in my office again, and isn't married, I'll take steps to protect my M. I know I'll do this b/c I've already done it, even when no one was watching, kwim?

When I think of your w, I think, "there but for the Grace of God, go I"...

Keep up the great work stuck,
J-