GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

Last night we had pretty nice interactions, joking with each other. With the exception of her "daydream moments" things were pretty good.

[MrBond]

25MLC,

Oh and I'm thinking hard about a "timeline". I know I'm in it for the long haul, but I think I need it to see if I hit the goals I set for myself.

[25yearsmlc]

Stck

I am not proud of what I'm about to tell you, but maybe it'll help you.

Long ago, I came very close to having an affair during the first Gulf War. I struggled within, and shared with my sisters and dad what was going on in my head and heart, as my m was in a vulnerable time (h was an intern working 80 hours per week and coming home so sleepy he'd drop at the kitchen table, literally and often, or was so irritable AND I had a full time job and oh, I had joined the Army for H since he owed them for schooling but I got deployed to the Gulf War and he didn't since he was in med training....nice irony...we had two little ones.

Then Some guy who looked like Kevin Costner came to work in my office...yikes. He was interested, and let's leave it at that.

I was so freaked out that someone as MORALLY UPRIGHT AS ME....could be so human and flawed, that I'd get a serious "love crush" on someone at a time of vulnerability in the M...I was lonely. But there I was thinking about breaking a commandment...wow...

I went to see a chaplain first, and also a shrink (I had a hard time reconciling my self image with the things I was thinking of doing...) and worked it out, privately with them, and God and for the record, THANK GOD h did not find out and "expose" me.

I can tell you for sure I'd have wanted to run to OM and might have. I think we'd have divorced that year. At least we'd have permaently altered our m for the worse, and our last child would not have been born..

I would have hated my h, partly b/c he'd have done it out of revenge or the desire to punish or hurt me "like I had hurt him" or his pride, big time, and of course at the time I felt justified in almost having the A, b/c the m was vulnerable due to his career choices which I did NOT make....see how we can rationalize and honestly, I still think I had a point...not enough to cheat I know, but a POINT, okay?

But I didnt' do that. On my own, I made the journey to a chaplain who suggested I do theater to channel my passions and get some of the needs met I felt were not met in the M, but safely...Though I chose to remain married and keep my vows heck yes, I daydreamed a lot and was preoccupied for months. In hindsight it's embarrassing now to recall my thought process then but hey, that was then. This is now.

Let your wife daydream b/c you can't stop it!! AND sometimes those daydreams get realistic and you think out the end game of your fantasy, like "what happens when you leave h for OM? Who IS OM? What if OM isn't so great after all? Isn't the "great thing" about OM that he has more time than h??? is that really a "character trait"? What will you tell your children and what if they cry? What will you tell h and what if h cries?"

(THAT THOUGHT KILLED ME THE MOST...H AND THE KIDS CRYING...no way) ..AND as my sisters and dad asked me (I confided in him which was really odd but really helpful) "how are you going to look in the mirror and feel about yourself in 50 years if you leave h for OM?" And dad asked me if I could "find another way to act on my passions" which is what the chaplain said! (I know, what are the odds?)

Just thought I'd pass that on. Some spouses do come around on their own and when that happens I think the chance of ultimate success is greater b/c obviously they made the choice to remain married on their own.
I chose to keep my vows without pressure from anything external and without someone condemning or judging me..thank God, literally. And I chose also to "fall in love again" with my h but I don't believe if I'd seen anger from him at that time, that I could have done it.

That experience taught me a lot about my judgmentalism and rigid black and white views and, that sometimes good people make bad choices. (That book I suggested-Blue Like Jazz- reinforced this) and a lot of those feelings resurfaced in me, which is why I posted that piece on shame the other day. I think shame is destructive. I'm using the word precisely so let's not get into the semantics and call it "conscience" b/c that is what was GOOD in my sitch, not shame...anyhow, I hope this helps you some b/c it sucks to write it out.

Then again, thanks to that crazy experience, I was more able to remember despite H's MLC behavior, H was/is a great man who has made some crappy choices...and your wife may well be a great woman in the same boat. Try to let her work things out for herself if you can and just support her in that journey. What are the other issues that you have control over anyhow?

I pray my h won't have another episode of whatever the MLC was. And b/c of my other experience (which h does not know about nor does he need to), I know if a guy who looks like Kevin Costner comes to work in my office again, and isn't married, I'll take steps to protect my M. I know I'll do this b/c I've already done it, even when no one was watching, kwim?

When I think of your w, I think, "there but for the Grace of God, go I"...

Keep up the great work stuck,
J-

[aliveandkicking]

So I WILL ramp up the attraction dept. by continuing to concentrate on me.

Stuck, if my day has taught me anything it is that sure, we fake it till we make it but don't even try to pull this stuff off until you feel it.

Today, it just rolled off of me...nearly every response, flirtation, gesture coming from a place of true f*ck-it-ness. I mean, yes my world is riding on this but I have to let H go. Magically, I knew what to do. Now, I am not saying this will win back H and Lord knows, I've analyzed my sitch inside and out, dissected, had revelations only to forget them 20 minutes later but they are all in my little brain putting the pieces together.

Between Coach, SP, and others (including H himself), it hit me. No more fear. No more eggshells. No more apologizing unless it is warranted and authentic. No more compliments I don't mean. No more BS.

You can't get there until you get there. It seems for some it is 6 weeks and some 2 years.

Yes, you have to be about YOU. Don't be afraid to let her pull herself out of her daydreams to look in your direction...you are not going to turn into a cold a**hole. I have more compassion for H today than I did yesterday and today is the day I felt he is truly on his own.

These bleeping words seem so trite sometimes...the pain, the drama, the fear of loss is so intense.

Can you see yourself without her? Worst case scenario...can you start from there and know you're ok? Can you go through the worst of it, the telling the kids and the moving apart and still see yourself as ok? I suggest you do that. Go into the belly of the beast...be on welfare in your mind, you're still living and breathing with a chance to start anew.

Sorry, I'm amped up tonight and I've learned that posting on others' threads keeps me aware and on track.

You do not exist to win your wife back. You exist for your own purpose. Don't you think she will see that and have a decision to make for herself? If she is ready to join fabulous you or not?

Oh, one last thing. I worried so much about H thinking I'm just fine without him and feeling that my being ok exhibits that I didn't really love him. Guess what? It seems to me that somewhere on this road the WAS provides the perfect opportunity to spell it out for them and be honest about our grief. I did it today. Felt good.

I hope you'll come on by and help lift me up when I'm feeling down. You've got so many answers. You know what you need to do.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just thought I'd pass that on. Some spouses do come around on their own and when that happens I think the chance of ultimate success is greater b/c obviously they made the choice to remain married on their own.
I chose to keep my vows without pressure from anything external and without someone condemning or judging me..thank God, literally. And I chose also to "fall in love again" with my h but I don't believe if I'd seen anger from him at that time, that I could have done it.

25,

Thank you for sharing such an intensely personal story, and what your thought process was at the time. I can see how it would help you frame your views now on exposure.

For the record, I agree with you on the part I highlighted above. I think that's very much preferable.

But I also think yours is an unusual case, or at least a minority one. By definition, most (not "all", but MOST) people who find themselves wayward, or almost wayward, are probably NOT coming from as strong of a moral base as you were, and cannot be trusted to make the right decision the way you did. My wife was NOT in a good place spiritually, and even though I knew that, and that she didn't want to hear "any of that 'God stuff'", I STILL gave her a full month and several chances to end her affair before I exposed.

While I see your point, and I do think it was a good thing that you weren't exposed before you SELF-exposed, I just don't think the average wayward spouse carefully thinks things thru, PRAYS about them, and then goes and sees both their pastor and a counselor an then acts on their advice. Would that they all would do that! I think most, in fact, are backslid and in the throes of the devil himself, and are succumbing to all sorts of temptations and weaknesses, and are likely to continue on that path unless stopped by some outside force.

That "outside force" can often by getting dumped by the OM/OW, or coming to some sort of personal "epiphany" on their own, but I wasn't about to take that chance with my family at stake. I made the difficult decision to "err" -- if I was erring -- on the side of at least doing something proactive. My wife later thanked me for it, and I would do it again.

Puppy

[MrBond]

25,

Just when I didn't think I could admire you more, you send this great post. Thank you so much for opening up that part of your life to me. It has given me much to think about.

While I understand that I can't control what she thinks or who she thinks about, I can make damn well sure that our interactions will be so "enjoyable" that when she starts thinking about a new life elsewhere, there will be that seed of doubt in her.

I think in your case it really was a prelude that helped you to stay strong for your M after your H left. You made a decision and you stayed with it whether he was there or not.

Thank you so much for opening up that part.

"What are the other issues that you have control over anyhow?"
Right now the only things I have control over are what I do. I feel like my W is just "existing". On the weekends, she'll ask "what should we do today" (with the kids) and goes along with anything I say.

What I'm trying to do is to make the times we are together "supercharged" with happy emotions so that she'll enjoy it and maybe start remembering the good times we had in the past. Right now she says she doesn't remember any. I think this is one of the signs of depression.

[MrBond]

aliveandkicking,

Great to hear you've got your "balls" back! : ) er, mojo.

You are right that I have to believe in doing what I'm doing for myself and not for her. I think when I forget that, it projects out as me being clingy.

No fear. That's the thing I have to get rid of. The fear of her not being my W any more. I've been trying alot of things that others have suggested and I'm alot better than I was, but I still have a ways to go. The fear is the one thing that is keeping me from detaching from her.

I have to REALLY see and treat her as a friend. The only problem is that I treat my female friends pretty damn good.

Send some of that mojo my way!

[MrBond]

PDT,

I think the fact that many spouses who want to leave a R, but decide not to is more the norm than you might think.

Heck I think ALL of us at one time or another had at least passing fantasies of leaving our spouses for another person. Or dreaming about having sex with someone else. I mean let's be honest. It's human nature.

Whether they act on it or not is another story.

But in terms of people thinking about leaving their spouse, but not doing so for one reason or another, is extremely common. So I'll give humanity the benefit of the doubt.

[MrBond]

I've got a question though for those tuning in.

My W and I do everything together with the kids when we're free. After work we could be watching tv or playing with them in the living room or in bed. On the weekends we'll ask each other what we want to do (with the kids). Usually it's me suggesting something and she'll say "okay" and we'll do it. That's why I said that if you were to watch us on an average, you wouldn't think there was anything wrong.

Is this "typical" of someone who wants to leave? I mean she hasn't done anything to push a D, but just says that she doesn't want to be M any more and doesn't want a R, etc.

I know people have commented that she just didn't want to be M to me, etc. But wouldn't she try doing something to distance herself from me? I don't know. Just wondering. Things would be much easier if she did things that made me "hate" her, but she really hasn't done anything. In fact, she's down right pleasant. Except for no intimacy. It's a big change from when we were physically separated and she was just one big ball of b*tch.

[aliveandkicking]

Gosh that sounds like me. I'm gonna think about it and come back.

And I doubt she really wants to leave or she would...unless she's plotting but most women I know just do it once they make that decision.