Sandi you hit the nail on the head in your very last sentence to me. I am clinging to the man I once knew and I am praying he shows up again. I think because I have no contact with my xh and I dont get to see the man he is now, I only remember, other than the converstaions we had, the man that left my home. I only remember the good times and all the nice things he did for me. I wish I could see how he is now face to face. I only hear from other people every now and then how he looks and how he acts. I wonder, and would love to know, how he acts to our friends and if he is hisself or another person. Sandi by remembering and talking about our past alot I think I am trying to decide if he was mentally abusive to me. If I have lived my whole marriage this way than I am gonna think this is normal...this is why I think it is important to let you and some others hear into that world of mine. I need to figure out if my marriage was normal or if I let my xh by with way too much. I MYSELF need to know if I was "like your sister". I need to try and figure out if my husband was this way all along and I didnt see it. Sandi, alot of people use to say to me that my xh was cold hearted and had to have things his way and that he never listened to anybody. THIS is EXACTLY what he said that I was, without the cold hearted part. Why do you think he thought this of me. I will tell you why I think he thought this of me because, unlike your sister, I have a mouth and I USE IT. I DO say what is on my mind and I DID tell him what I thought. I would argue the point with him. BUT my weakness was, when he threaten to leave, I FREAKED INSIDE...no I DID NOT want to be left alone again, SO this is what he held over my head. He knew this scared me and he used it to his advantage. I have said before, this man sometimes would carry me food, help clean house, wash the dishes, clean the toilets and so forth. I would think and still do that I WILL NEVER find a man again to treat me this way. He did these nice things alot but when he didnt get enough sleep or when he was tired or stressed he was angry. He would cuss alot and in a very loud voice sometimes screaming. When we argured about something he would say I am done talking and that is it end of discussion. He KNEW EVERYTHING about anything, if he didnt he would make it up and make you believe it. BUT most of all he lied alot. I was talking to a family member and she asked me if my xh kept me away from them. I thought about this and I think he had so much influence on me that I would do anything he said. He always talked about my friends, alwasy found something bad to say. He talked about my family and HIS family. We both have family members that are always in trouble. It seems though that everybody was out to get us according to him. He sometimes would have good things to say but alot of the times he would tell me that I let people run over me. Sandi, I think when I got close to a friend, he got scared that maybe they would influence me so much, i would trun on him. Just guessing at this. He just never seem to really like whomever my friend was. He would even talk about the way they kept house, just stupid stuff. When we would sit around and just talk alot of the time it would be negative something about somebody especially our friends. He had me agreeing with him, he had me convinced that nobody cared about us and we could trust nobody. I never got to meet my father in law, but they say he was a big man and in charge always. He past away shortly before I met my xh. I dont know exactly how his father displined his children but I have heard he was rough. Maybe the cold heartedness came from there. My xh is always in protective mode it seems. When his mother died, he grieved very little...he said life goes on. When my mother died he was so scared that I was going to go into this grieving process too long, even said so. That is just him. He says alot "Thats Life". Sandi, I know no other way of living. I know that I let him go and do whatever he wanted. He said I could do the same, but I never did. As far as protection goes, I know he would have fought anybody or anything that bothered us. I was his. Sandi, I never tested him, he never had to worry about me leaving him and he knew that. A couple times I told him I was unhappy just to see his reaction and he was very concerned and worried. Bottom line HE HAD TO BE IN CONTROL.
I know you didnt want me to go down the xh path, but Sandi I need to figure out if this was normal behavior or not. I need to figure out what my weakness is and why I let him influence me so much. I thought my h knew EVERYTHING and was so SMART. He had me conveniced of this. It even got to where he thought he was the better cook, housekeeper and so forth. Really I am telling the truth. Why I didnt put my foot down i dont know other than I felt like he worked hard and always provided for us and he deserved the best. I felt like we only had each other. Sandi, is it my fault that I let him away with this stuff? Is it my fault he got bored or tired of the responsbility and left us? Could I have not prevented this from the way I let him be? This new gf, from what I hear, does not let him by with anything. She told me once, that he would never talk to her in a bad manner, that he never had and never would. Maybe this is what I should of done. Maybe he likes being bossed around. I have got to learn what I did wrong so I CAN make corrections in me. I think personally, I let me push me around too much. I saw him do it with others and thought it was ok. I will add more later got to go fo now, dinner is here i think.
