Looking For Help

[sandi2]

Hello,

I saw you post over on Givingitmyall's thread and thought I would stop by. Glad you came aboard and hope you are thick skinned b/c I saw a few things that jumped out at me and don't want you to think I'm picking on you, okay? Maybe you can set me straight about some things I wondered about.

I am going to be personal but most of us here on the board get pretty plain b/c people have to know what is going on in order to be helpful, so to come to the point, may I ask if your W has not been very "giving" in the sex department? I have a feeling that things have not been what they ought to be for a long time. Also, what do you look at when on the computer night after night? Are you into porn? A lot of men have confessed to turning to porn when their W would not have sex with them. Maybe it is what you said....or how you said it that made me wonder. Maybe this is why:

My issues: unhappy, angry, critical, blameful, does not listen, too much computer time. I believe I got this way because I feel my wife has never put me #1 in her life. Who knows?

You have made yourself sound like a great guy.....and I hope you are. Of course, we only have "your" side of the story. So, like it was told to me one time......"you" are the one that is here, therefore, you are the one we must talk to.

I have to say that I have too much pride to endure from my H what he endured from me. I think I may see that in you, as well.

I laid down ground rules earlier that if either one of us were at a point of pursuing other people, that out of respect, we would just end our relationship and get a divorce. I am adamant about taking the high road on this point and being a great man. I’m o.k. with a divorce. I just do not want to be made a fool of. I have gotten to a point where I prefer to stay married to her, but I don’t need her. As I GAL, I am beginning to feel that there may be better women out there for me.

I got to tell ya, if you don't change some of your attitude about this MR, I don't think it stands a chance! You are OK with a D....you just don't want to be made a fool of??? So, which is more important to you, a M or pride? You perfer to stay M to her, but you don't need her. Okay, is that your way of saying you might not care one way or the other? And now, you are thinking there are plenty of women out there for you! Well, you are probably right.....but will you fall in love with any of them......or does it matter at this point?

I don’t want to ask b/c I don’t want to drive her in that direction.

Oh, trust me.....your "asking" will not be what drives her to the OM!!

If she is having an affair, that’s o.k.

You've got to be kidding! In other words, the part that is "difficult" for you all goes back to being worried that you may be made a fool of. It's not that you would be destroyed that she fell for another man.....just don't make "you" look bad....right?

but I would immediately stop trying to save my marriage and begin the pursuit of other woman.

Like I said.....unless you change your way of thinking, you can bet that you will find enough "excuses" to stop trying to save the M and pursue after other women. Sounds to me as if you have your W on some type of "time table" and are just waiting for it to be over so you can go out and play.

My heart aches when I hear this.

That's strange, you don't sound like a man in pain. Of course, you have to realize that I am looking at this from the POV of an almost WAW, so that is JMHO.

I am craving for adult companionship.

That is why you are in a very dangerous place at this point in your MR. The kind of talk you are doing tells off on you in not so good of a way and you need to rethink what is most valuable to you in life. You have two little kids to think about more than screwing around. Listen, I KNOW where lonliness will get you! I went over 12 years without sex from my H--or him even sleeping in the same bed with me. Yeah, it could have been very easy to find enough excuses to leave him.....and when I first came on board, I was trying to "justify" my EA. I told about how I had been neglected by my H all our M and he would not talk to me.....and I did not lie about one thing.......but I still was not facing the truth, which was the fact I was in denial about myself & OM and was rewriting history to a huge degree and painting my H to be the "bad guy" and I was pure as gold.

This being in “limbo” thing is very hard.

It will get much harder.

We are both good individuals who simply have stopped communicating./quote]

The beginning of the death of a M.


Your 180's are fantastic! Are you "really" doing all of that? I hope so.


I am glad to see you add this last part....

[quote]I hope my wife will notice this in time so that we can save our marriage

.

I hope you mean you really want to save your M b/c it is going to get very hard b/c it gets better. You did not say what her age is (or yours), but I would think according to your children's ages that you two are still young. It is so hard these days to have a good MR due to a lot of reasons that I won't go into......but it "can" happen. A couple can have a good M even when all odds are against them. I did not hear anything about either of your childen being physically or mentally handicapped. Apparently, you and your W are healthy. Finances must be good if one of you are able to stay home with the chidren. I did not hear anything about in-law interference or a death of a loved one. In fact, I did not hear about any real burdens of life except for the fact the two of you don't communicate. That is pretty sad, isn't it? Both of you have so much to be thankful for, but you know what? Knowing and seeing all our blessings does not automatically make us happy. Happiness is another "subject" altogether and I don't have time to get into it at this time. Having this information does not automatically cause us to be happy and contented in a M. It takes work and a lot of it. If she is not working with you, then it will be very difficult, to say the least! There have been men who have come here that had the same stitch as you but I think were showing a firmer determination to stick it out. That is what I find distrubing about you is that you don't seem to have that mind set of sticking with it. I have to ask you again what do you feel is the most valuable thing in your life? Until you know the true answer to that--and are willing to do put 100% into working toward it.....then I don't believe you are going to be happy in anything. BTW, some of those men who came here to the board that were in the same stitch as you......were successful in turning their M around. Of course, there were some who did not......and it wasn't their fault.....b/c the W would not work with him. But one thing is certain, if "you" don't really want to stay M, then you won't stay M.

You have just started on this board and I hope you will continue b/c it can be the greatest tool in the world to help keep you balanced in your pathway to a better life. You will receive encouragement and good people who listen. There may be some that even give a 2x4, but it is only b/c of "caring". You would not want to be a part of a community that did not care, would you? Neither would I. So, keep posting as much as you can and go to other threads to read and learn. You seem to have terrific 180's, which at this point may be more "goals" than anything else......but the point is to turn them into 180's. You do have that going for you and I think that shows that you have taken notice to the DB principles! Many folks never "get it". The biggest thing is that you have gone too long without what you "need" and it is telling off on you. I'm sure that is why you have been critical and blaming and some of those other bad traits. That is understandable! You have a chance now to turn yourself around and hopefully this R.

Take Care,
Sandi