Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for the encouragement Mnt, that was helpful. I love the 'pretend he's a homeless guy you're listening to on the street corner' tip, not only did it crack me up but it makes sense!

Well the whole meeting thing is done with now. I don't feel too bad about it. I felt a bit sad after he went but thinking back, overall nothing terrible happened. He didn't actually have anything serious to tell me or drop on me. I held back any mean/sarcastic comments that were trying to get out of my mouth.

I was dying to ask whats up with OW, last he mentioned he was 'just friends' but 'confused' about her. But I didn't ask, or mention it at all. That was hard.

There was no R talk really. No arguing, no pressure. Stayed pretty confident, calm and upbeat, didnt over do it maybe could have been a bit more upbeat tho. I tried to look good too, but was pushed for time after work so did the best I could.

H commented that I have lost a lot of weight, and that he liked my shirt and asked where did I get it. He also hugged me a lot more than his normal. So those were all different things.

We talked money stuff some and then general light conversation and that.

H suggested that we meet up next week and go over all the bills so I know what there is for when they are handed over and said he will go thru them with me so I know what will be coming in.

I asked if he had anything planned for his bday, 1st either of us had mentioned it, he said about night out w people from work n that he'd taken his bday off work, he never works on his bday. I asked if he wanted to do anything for his bday since he asked me on mine not long ago and he said maybe we could do something at the beginning of next week eventho its after his bday. He said, but can we do that separate than the bills. So suggested meeting up twice next week. I just said ok maybe, but didnt agree or commit to anything bc wasnt sure how I'd feel later on and didn't want to seem too keen.

He also told me a bit about his problems, with house and money etc. I just listened and validated that it must be stressful, etc. He said he just found out he has to move again bc the landlord he rents from wants to move back into his own property.

At one point when at the house he stopped and looked me right in the face and asked me if I was ok, I was like 'yeh' and he said are you sure? I was said Yes, and he said really? I asked why not? He said Im just checking that you are doing ok? I just said Yeh Im ok and left it at that.

I gave him the card in the end, it was just a plain happy bday one, no mushy stuff or anything, just like i'd give a friend. he seemed surprised and said thank you.

H text me after he left saying 'tonight was good' and thank you for the card he will open it friday(bday) and that he didnt mention it(bday) bc he didnt know if I had remembered. and he commented on something that has happened for me recently and then said have a good night.

I just responded of course I remembered, it was good to see him and I'm glad he is doing good. Hope that wasnt too much.

As he walked out the door, he also stopped and said you know even after july(when it was agreed to move the house stuff over to me), we can still see each other and do stuff, it just wont be as serious, not all about bills and things, and can just be normal. I don't want you to think that's we can't do that(or something like that, cant remember exactly)

so anyway still processing it all. But as far as the goals I had set for myself I did pretty ok. Nothing bad came out of it, I hope I did ok, but still want to improve communication and see how I could be doing better with the sitch.

[kara]

Hi hopeful

I wrotr you s post earlier but it got lost somehow.

I am really tired, long day at work. So I'll be quick. I think it went ok with your H. He has opened the door to your seeingeach other in the future without the need to be discussing bills etc. So, you can make good use of that and show him the new you. The card was a nice touch. It was the very least you would have done for a friend and cannot be interpreted as pursuing etc.

Now a bit of a hijack...I am still doing me. I think I have let go of the last vestiges of the grip I was keeping on this R and totally given it over to God. I do not actively think in terms of DBusting anymore e.g 180s or going dark. I am just doing what I think is warranted and what I am guided to do in the sitch as it arises. It feels right for me. While it is true that I do not control this sitch it also true that it does not control me. I have turned my focus inward and am working on me. I no longer just know that I will be happy someday. I am as happy as I can be today, all things considered. Are things perfect? No. But this is where I am and I find joy in something everyday.

Sorry, hopeful. Too tired to find my own thread. LOL.

[hopeful_cb]

Kara thanks for writing, sorry it got lost! I hate when that happens! Its ok about posting here too, dont worry, its all welcome. I really liked this comment... 'I no longer just know that I will be happy someday. I am as happy as I can be today, all things considered' I am feeling more like this as time goes by.

I have done some rethinking of how things went. I am glad that it went ok, relieved more likely too. I think you are right that he is trying to open a door to other things, not R or M stuff but honestly I feel he is so mixed up right now he cant even see the wood thru the trees (is that how it goes?) Im def not trying to fix any of his problems but Im not going to completely ignore him either, friends? im not sure on that, friendly ok I'll try this.

There were lots of little things that seemed different when I saw him, but im going to let it all go for now, its out of my hands.

I thought about giving H a book as a gift too, but didnt get to pick it up yet, so maybe I still will. I dont think he will be getting a gift from anyone else in his life(his mom sent a card and the rest of his family wont bother) and I was happy he remembered me on my bday.

Will be giving in my essay tomorrow so doing last minute touches on it in the day tomorrow. Then can get back to my life again!

I had a nice chat with my sister tonight about things and got to talk to my nephew on the phone that was nice.

I have viewed a couple of apartments since I have to start thinking about if I will move soon. July is kind of my cut off for staying here, I could say but it would cost me a fortune and dont know how reasonable that would be for me. I am trying to decide if I should share a place with a female friend of mine to make things cheaper for me, or if I should get something on my own for just me. Wondering if I move in with a friend if this could hurt me in my sitch or if it doesnt matter at this point? I know I can't wait around for H and dont plan to. But feel like if I do this it will be a lot more final bc there will be no more 'our' place and H will have to come move his stuff out. He's not bothered to do this at all.

I didn't expect to find anything for a while but saw a house today that I really like, but it would be to share with friend if we decided to do that. So I don't know, still thinking. I could save a lot of money and it would help me with savings.

He also slipped a couple times when I saw him and said 'our' house, instead of just 'the' house or my house. im sure it means nothing but was surprised.

He sent me a message saying he has new dvd series would I like to watch it, if so he will bring it for me? been a couple random nice messages/offers like this. Don't think you would bother with this if you 1 weren't thinking of the person or 2 didn't want anything to do with them. So that is confusing. but again going to leave it for now.

[orchid01]

Hi Hopeful,

Well, it sounds like things are calming down for you...

I am with you about the "being friends" part....I just don't know about that...

I just wanted to catch up on your sitch. Its nice that he called with the DVD suggestion. That is a good place to start, I'm thinking.

Finding a new place can be daunting.....but, I think its good to be practical at this point and get what you can be comfortable doing. Sharing a house with a friend is a great idea.....do you really get along with her? Have you lived with her before? It might be really nice to be just living with another person.

Just wanted to let you know you were in my thoughts and thanks for checking and writing on my blog today. I needed it! My best wishes to you as well.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for the wishes orchid.

I have been thinking about the roommate thing for a month now. I wasn't in any rush to move, but realistically I will have to eventually bc I can't afford to spend so much of my income on my rent. I have pretty much decided to go ahead and move into a new place I have found and have a roommate to make things cheaper. I think we do get along really well and have similar takes on things, but not I've not lived with her or anyone else besides H ever.

I think for me it is probably the best thing I can do. I could get a place on my own, but then I'd be paying twice as much and it might be nice to have company of a roommate.

I guess this all just happened much faster than I was planning on(I was thinking I have a month or 2 to decide) and havent quite prepared myself....but then don't know if I'd ever be prepared to leave 'our' house and get my own. I guess I have made the decision but then started to panic and worry if this choice would hurt any chance of R with H if that was ever on the cards. bc now there is no 'home' for him to come back to.

I also really like my apartment I have and its very convenient for me, I am comfortable here and don't want to have to go. But i guess I have to be practical bc spending so much on rent prob isn't good for me in the long run either.

Moving out seems so final too. H has made no attempts to come get his things, so I guess that gave me a little hope. But now I'll have to tell him to come box it up bc I'm moving out. And that will be a hard process to go thru.

[hopeful_cb]

I called H to say Happy Bday, he told me he was out w OW? from work for some drinks and other people were on their way to meet him. He went out side and chatted to me some asking me what I'm doing, etc and said he'd text me later about meeting up next week.

Obviously upset but dont know what to do.

Then to top it off I went on FB and see that this girl has unfriended me. Yeh well I dont care that she is 'not my friend' I already know that, it just makes me think she has posted stuff she doesnt want me to read and it makes me angry. I so badly want to say some mean angry response to her. and say to H oh and tell OW thanks for unfriending me. I know it all sounds petty but I'm pissed.

I was having enough trouble on my own with the whole deciding to move stuff didn't need more.

I got sucked back in so fast today, and Im sure the things Im making up in my head about it all must be worse than real life.

Afterwards I thought maybe she 'unfriended' me bc she feels threatened bc H has been spending time with me and talking to me...I hope that is the case, but then I know, stop trying to figure it out, theres no way I can.

Dont know what my next move should be.

[mnt_dreams]

hopeful...

That must have been hard to hear from H. Just b/c he's out with OW? and others doesn't mean he isn't thinking about you too, and how other BD's have been. But for now, he's doing his own thing - and you need to do that too. H is distracted it seems and if you're willing to wait, you are probably going to have to wait until the R with OW cools off... As far as FB, maybe it's for the best. It was for me b/c I couldn't control myself from looking to see what she was doing, who she was talking to, etc. So, OW has unfriended you but you don't know why. Could be feeling guilty about her choices. Could be she doesn't like seeing what you're doing. Could be a hundred different things. Try really hard not to wonder why... it just is what it is, and maybe it's a blessing b/c you won't feel tempted to check up anymore.

So, what do you think you should do now?

[hopeful_cb]

SO now? I definitely feel better this morning. Glad I didn't act on anything last night.

Ok so the whole FB thing is stupid, I obviously dont want to be 'friend' or otherwise so yeh I guess I was just using it to try n see what was going on. So you're right it is what it is, end of the day it doesnt really effect my life in anyway. I don't want to know what she is doing, but I worry that everyone else will know what they are doing behind my back and thats what makes me angry.

I could look at it another way. I called and H missed the call. He went out of his way to call me back eventho she was there, he then left her there and went outside and wanted to chat with me for 10+ mins(I was planning a quick happy bday and then getting off--so next time I need to stick to my plan), H was actually asking about me and remembered what I had been up to this week and asking how it went, etc as if he cared(so that is different). And he continued to share with me about his bday and the rest of the week on his own accord, w.o me asking much. All I said was are you having a nice bday? which I would say to anyone. And he wanted to make plans to see me again and spoke about following that up. I didn't agree either way just said talk to you later have a nice bday.

Is this the actions of someone who doesn't care on some level? I don't think it is, yes it may be he is acting out of guilt, but honestly I would not put that much effort in to guilt? especially not more than once a week. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but if so let me have it, its hard to see clearly when you are wrapped up in the middle.

I don't think I would have been as upset if I hadn't been home alone last night and already emotional from a hard week. This sleep and stress thing is def a pattern for me, and I dont think its just with H, I think this has always been this way for me. At least I can see it now.

So back to the beginning question...next move? well I am going to leave this all for now. Don't see the point in commenting on it now, it wont change anything, and I can't see how it would get be any closer to what I want. My action is going to be to get more busy, if I had been out or enjoying myself I would have been less upset and worried about what H might be doing, I probably would not have thought of it again that night.

Oh and I have decided not to rush into anything with the house stuff, I felt the agents were pressuring us way too much and I wasn't going to be pushed into anything. So at this point I am still looking and considering my options, no rush on my side, things are stable for now and I can handle it.

[hopeful_cb]

Update...
So H text me this morning after I was at work and said 'Hi Happy Monday! What are you up to later? are you busy?'

I thought it was a bit too upbeat and bizarre. So left it a while since I was at work and had appointments, etc. Later I said that yes I was busy for a bit after work, how come?

So it turns out he wanted to meet up, but then quickly said he could also do tues or thurs if that is any good. We had talked about maybe doing something for his bday early this week, so I guess this was him following thru. We decided to meet tomorrow bc I said it was better for me. (my only plans were for going to the gym, but hey he didnt need to know that right?)

He then asked if I wanted to go over the bill stuff at the same time of if I'd rather do it another day? Well he was the one that made a point to ask if we could do that separately last week when we spoke so I was a bit confused as how he was acting like it was my suggestion? Anyway just said I didn't mind, so we'll see.

I did want to see H, but didn't know if I wanted to today. I said this to a friend and that I guess this shows my level of 'wantingness'(yes I know I just made that word up) and she said maybe I should replace it with independence?

I guess it would be best not to bring up the issues that upset me on friday night? I mean, what good could it actually do? I just worry I am letting him/them walk all over me and I dont want that either.

I am going to give him the book I got him for his bday since it wasnt here by last week. Hope thats not too much, but I figure its a neutral nice gift and its not like I go around buying things for him ever.

So I think I am just going to be positive, act as if(although its not all acting now!) and show my fun side, but make sure I'm not a push over or not sticking up for myself. I don't expect any serious talk but if it comes up I'll handle it best I can.

Trying to keep with 'no expectations'

I need to catch up on more sleep this week! Also made plans for wed after work to watch a movie with 2 friends looking forward to that. And I am getting back to the gym this week too. And looking for things to fill my weekend with so I'll be busy.

[mnt_dreams]

Good luck tomorrow, Hopeful. I think you outlined your plan very well... if something comes up that catches you off guard, excuse yourself for a bit to get it together and remember to be friendly, upbeat and show yourself to be the better person. I see good signs in your sitch as well... he did excuse himself to talk to you on the phone the other day, and sent a text to see what was new with you... small signs perhaps, but he's still interested what's going on with you. It's something to build on. Work on it from a friendship standpoint and who knows what might happen!