I have been reading this BB for about a year now, never posting, but doing enormous amounts of reading. Last night I took the plunge and replied to Trusting on another Post. Maybe someday soon I will tell about my sitch on the Newcomers forum.
I felt compelled today to tell you that I have been keeping up with you for a while. AND, I admire the strength you have, and the willingness to get back up and regroup whenever you are in those really low times.
It sounds like you have a great agenda for the day, and anything left over can just be added to the top of tomorrows list. Now I need to go make my own list!
I wanted to also tell you that I started listening to a Christian Radio station. If anybody would have told me a year ago that this would have been my preference in music, I would have told them they were crazy. BUT, I have found so much strength in the songs that they play. Many nights I go to sleep with the radio on, and wake to it in the morning. Those are the nights I sleep most peacefully. I have bought many Christian CD's now, and just picked up Mandisa's new one. It is so good!
I have a very good friend that I go to whenever I'm at those very low times. You know those times when you see nothing getting better, nothing changing. When you are continuing to treat your H with unconditional love and he continues to treat you like somebody he could care less about. She always reminds me to keep my focus where it needs to be, and not on the situation. Oh, but it is so hard isn't it?! Remember FAITH, not fear, will get us where we want to be. I'm sure you've heard that it's GOD's timing not ours. The patience part is what I'm really having trouble with.
I will remember to keep you, and your dad in my prayers.
Journalling..... mlj - I am sorry that you have to be here, but am glad and know that this website is a God sent for us all. When you feel comfortable, go ahead and write/blog away. I sort of use this site as my personal diary......and its awesome, bc there is feedback and so I feel as though I will have a chance to get rid of that tape that is constantly looping in my head.
My heart really aches for all of us who really are just left to deal with the "responsibility" of life and the day to day positive functioning of ourselves. I feel as though I have it fairly easy. The real heros are the parents who not only have to deal with their own emotions but also their children's emotional well being. Human Beings are simply amazing.
For me, I wish I had had a chance...but, really I don't know ........ as people say on this site, its not over until its over! I am anticipating H's visit in a week or two and we will really see what is going on then. Right now, for me, its all guess work.
I have alot of down days, as you know if you have been following my blog. Its crazy. It gets better in that you become more used to that feeling of uncertainty and you learn to be very self sufficient....esp if S has just left. But, it really does help to give myself a list of things to finish. Then there is some sort of guideline for the day.
Its amazing what we are capable of....today, I was thinking that it is truely a blessing.......a privelage.... to find someone to share our lives with...
If my H goes....I'm not really worse off, I'm just at baseline...on my own...trying to live out my dreams and to be true to myself.
Today became rough as I unpacked the last of the clothes and found H's clothing. It seemed unreal...and I had to pull out his pic to re-picture him in my head. That is scary. I put away the pic right away. I did not want to look at him. I was afraid to look and really imbibe that feeling. He is really betraying me...he is quitting on me. He does not want me. It is a tough pill to swallow.
And more importantly, I am going to have to get used to it, if I am to be ready for his week long visit. I have no idea how to prepare myself for this. Any suggestions???
I will listen, be more proactive, be fun, offer some alternatives if he asks and is open to it. That's the plan for right now.
Well, I think I am going to have to have a little cry today. Its been an ok day, but I am really just feeling alone. There is a crazy loud rowdy party going on at the pool in my apartment complex. Thank god I did not take the apartment facing the pool. I can hear them all the way clear on the other side of the building complex. Its worrisome. I don't really like this...it seems very juvenile...but, whatever, I guess I am in my apartment and I should make some plans for this wonderful saturday night.
I went looking for a bed and it was depressing to be buying a bed for myself......... by myself. I hated the feeling and got teary and had to just walk out of the showroom. I went to the grocery store, bought a ton of junk food and well...here I am.
I can watch tv, read my novel and take a bath, or start studying for my exam, or watch a movie. All things that can keep me busy. Sigh. When will these feelings just go away....
Sometimes, its so hard to hope and keep faith and just believe. It seems so much easier to just give in to the despair. But even doing that does NOT make it better!
Ok....gotta get thru this evening and tomorrow.....I think I am going to read my novel.....That should be a great escape for now.
One thing I love about this board is that we can give each other the advice and support that we can't always seem to follow ourselves. Regarding a few junk food snacks, a little cry, and feeling low...BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Its ok. Think about all you have accomplished by picking yourself up, moving, dealing with all the BS logistics, meeting new people, keeping up with your daily goals...
Believe me, I know easy it is to start getting down on yourself and be like "Come, get up, get moving, can't let this situation destroy me..". Thats the attitude we have to have, but I think we are entitled times, days, moments, where we can't quite pull it all together or mow through the full to do list. Right now, it takes so much energy just to put one foot in front of the other....I could never have imagined.
I was reading back a few of your posts where you talked about the times when the situation looks very bleak...especially the realization that H. bailed, gave up, he doesn't want me....oh that is just the worst. I remember the realization one day of "It got difficult and he had a choice...continue to deal with difficult because me and the marriage are valuable, or give up. And he gave up. So clearly, me and the marriage were not valuable enough. No one walks away from something that they value.
I do believe that these situations are about our H. having issues that only they can sort out...Its not about us. But at times like this, it sure does feel like it. I take it very personally.
So anyway, here I am back in home city, in process of coordinating the big move north. Staying with friends, had a lovely dinner, but at the end of the day, its the same old thing. This BS has become my reality for far too long. I know that time heals and reveals all, but don't you wish for like, a mini vacation from all the pain? Just even a 24 hour breather where we could be loved, hugged and comforted?
Anyway, hope you get some peace this evening (sorry about the pool party).
take care-
Last edited by traveldane; 06/14/0902:01 AM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
OH YEAH! I so want a mini vacation where I do not have to feel any of the pain or uncertainty. I went thru some pics from my grad school days...........Why is it so different now? And how can I capture that person who used to be so content and happy being on my own.......hoping I met a person to share my life with, but not counting on it!
It is very hard to follow my own advice many times. I try and well, sometimes, do fail! I have 3 more weeks until work begins and then I will be too exhausted and too distracted to think as much about H. I do have minutes....sometimes 30 min., where I forget that I have a WAS. Those are bliss moments and I think I just need to be happy I have them at all.
Today, no lists.....I just want to try to get thru. I have taken out my books to start studying again. Otherwise, there is TV, movies, my novel, organizing my home.......if I want to go out, there are a few places I would like to go check out and so......we will see where this day will lead!
Thank you Traveldane, I needed your reply last night! I hope your packing and moving things are going well. It sounds like you had a full day yesterday. I was glad to read that!
you have a good day too. hope it is somewhat relaxing.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Ok....Its Monday and today I am just going to concentrate on gettng thru some work reading. I need to start doing that and I need small goals. Its so easy right now to just do nothing. It is amazing to me how much time can be wasted doing nothing! Sigh.
There is nothing new to say. I have nothing new really going on. I am still just trying to adjust to this new environment and get organized. And I did not use the weekend to accomplish anything. Still fighting the cloud of doom that seems to have taken root over my head these past few days. Just not very sure how to deal with this new....This is not going to get better...feeling that I am consumed with. It is a difficult journey and every morning I fight it. Its as if I am afraid to go on that journey........bc I don't know where that will take me and what if it takes me to a place where I don't want H anymore.
It would almost be easier to just leave the M. He is definately making it the easier option. He has initiated a couple of contacts...in this past 6 weeks! That is nothing....I have no idea where his mind is at......and I have no news of his supposed visit which was supposed to take place either this week or next week.
He cannot seem to get past making plans for one day! I do not think I will be seeing him anytime soon. I am so emotionally depleted.........I'm not doing anything and I am emotionally depleted. How can this be?
Well, I need a cup of coffee and I need to start studying. No lofty goals for today. I will be so happy to accomplish just that.
I can't seem to turn off the tv! I'm not really interested or watching it even, but somehow I just want it on....sigh.
I really can't wait until this week is over. Next week I have 2 days that I have to go in to work and I will have some evaluation exams and it will keep me somewhat busy. The week after I will start work.
I am hoping that I find some strength this week to be productive and to behave in a way that makes me proud of myself.
i hope you are able get some studying in today and feel good about that. Maybe if you can make some coffee, get some progress early in the day, the you can "treat" yourself to some afternoon TV watching.
I am doing a cameo appearance at my old job here in old city. Its good to see people but also awful to have people ask the inevitable..."how is it going?" what the h am I supposed to say to that. Also, not looking forward to how it will be to address questions in new job setting. To say I am separated is an understatement...but also don't want to deal with the inevitable that comes with telling people you are single. Also don't want to be the weird, vague girl. so, the tip tap toe continues....
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
What a day today has been! First my dad's condition....so 12/16 biopsies came back positive.....not good. Last time 1/16 had come back positive and this time it is a higher grade of cancer. The good news is that it has not spread outside of the prostate......his CT and MRI came back negative. So the docs recommend a prostatectomy and they have scheduled it in 5 weeks time. The docs told him it he should not plan any trips or anything for the next 6-8 months! Why? I still am not sure why it takes that long to recover......what are the side effects he will be suffering....ect....
He is doing great though...in great spirits and very positive. We will just have to pray and see what happens.
On top of that, this morning my H called and told me he was driving down on Thursday night after he gets off of work at 7pm! HELLO! Its a 26 hr. drive!!!! WHEN DID HE THINK HE WOULD GET HERE AND THEN WHAT???? STAY FOR A DAY BEFORE HE HAD TO START DRIVING BACK?????? He said he checked for flights and everything was $900 or more. (which is totally true as he has decided that he needs a flight in 2 days!) SIGH!
This man, who has been the planner for his life - as well as our life and mine, can't see past one minute right now.
I know a lot of you will NOT agree with what I did....but, I took 20 min out of my day today and found a flight that he could pay with miles and called him back with that option. He was very thankful. Who knows if I did the right thing, but this was also a 180 for me. I just took charge, didn't take alot of time. I just gave him an option. He took it right away......so, I don't really know how to read that......probably nothing.......I just saved him a grand or a 52 hr. drive round trip! When is this madness going to end?
He is coming in 2 days. I am unsure what to feel. I have nothing to be very happy about....just D papers that I will have to address at some point in this visit. I wish I could just pretend like they did not exist....but, they do and I cannot avoid this any longer. I am unsure what to do.
I just want to spend a couple of days just no stress.....just be happy in having some time together. We are still not fighting. Although, I still don't know what the problem is. I am prepared for the possibility of OW. I know that is a very real prospect. I am not sure how I will deal with it...but, I will try to NOT make a decision during emotional highs or lows. I will wait to see how I feel when the tide comes to neutral. I am imagining all these horrible things that could be wrong....but, really.....who knows at this point? It could be something like he doesn't want to move down here and he doesn't want a long distance relationship ........or it could be that he totally blows me out of the water and tells me he is gay!
I just will have to wait and see. He seemed happy to be seeing me and that was nice. We had a nice little chat and he wasn't the one trying to get off the phone (for a change).
I have planned some interactive activities and I will be busy a couple of days with work. We can go see movies or rent some movies and go out to eat. I have a couple of bike/hike trails mapped out....but, it is 98F with 75% humidity....so, I just don't know if we really will get around to doing this. Otherwise, there is always bowling or mini golfing or video games.......SIGH! We will see what his story is...
I spent the whole day today out......got my Driver's License and Registration and Inspection done....and then spent the rest of the day at my work getting an ID badge and just going thru paperwork. I met some very nice people and I hope I fit in well. The more I talk to people, the more divorced people I meet. People really do talk about their lives when u just listen.
I really am trying to prep myself for no hope (which actually I am doing ok with.....I keep looking at the D papers to make sure I understand MY REALITY) and more importantly, I want to maintain who I am as my own entity. I must keep intact my dignity and I will not tear myself apart for him.....I will not be desparate. I am WOMAN.......I need no man to make me whole....if he wants to leave, he knows where the door is!
Please pray that I can keep this mental frame of mind!
just been catching up on your posts as Ive been super busy lately...
Quote:
I want to maintain who I am as my own entity. I must keep intact my dignity and I will not tear myself apart for him.....I will not be desparate. I am WOMAN.......I need no man to make me whole....if he wants to leave, he knows where the door is!
This is such a strong positive attitude, I like that. I am trying to hold on to bits of that too for myself. I will be thinking of you over the weekend. I hope it goes ok. Try and keep calm and upbeat, look how much you have done recently with the move and everything, you did it, let that confidence show. I guess all you can do is listen to what he has to say bc you can't change any of that. Thats how I felt anyway when I saw H yesterday after about a month!
So sorry to hear about your dad. Its good he is positive and in good spirits. I imagine it must be a hard situation.
It also sounds v good with meeting people from your new job, I'm glad they seem nice and it will prob feel good to get in there and get busy when its time to start full time.
Hang in there and sending you good wishes for the weekend.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
