Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Good plan. Settle your life before you involve someone else.

I hate to say it, but the cycling will continue for a while still. Heck, I'm still going through it and probably will for a number of years still. I just try not to dwell on it. Easier said than done.

You know I kept re-reading this over and over. How do you know when you're fully settled? I mean honestly, unitl XW started playing the same old games Monday night I thought I was absolutely fine. I did not care about her, OM, the D, none of it, just the ability to see my boys when I want. I mean yeah the actual D is only a week, understood, but I knew back in December that chances for saving the M were slim and to start slowly cutting my losses in order to a avoid a thermal nuclear meltdown the day the D would have finally come. And I think I did a good job of that.

I mean, I'm not in jail or dead as everyone thought I'd be like Michael Douglas' character on "Falling Down" and just snap.

But I'm just not in control of my self for that rare moment now and I do scare myself.

For now, I'm working on two options to co-exist peacfully.

1- As requested of XW several times, let us go to a open public place that will not hande any fighting back and forth, but also a place where we'd be embaressed to do so and thus force ourselves to behave if need be. I think If we did that a long time ago, things would be much different today.

2- Give up the desire to speak. Get the kids their own phone on my plan and all communication between each other should thereby written and certified.

I think option 2 is what sets me off with her, it's truly pathetic that 2 grown adults that swore the world to each other and nurtured two soles into the very same world can not have a simple conversation based off of one simple priniciple: RESPECT. I respect her in the fact that although I personally feel D and abonding the vows of marriage is not the way to resovle our issues, but she does, and until she changes that point of view, no-one can for her. On the other foot tho, it would sure be nice if she would respect me and blame me entirely for the D, and mainly, blame me for the reason OM is with her, that's just insane.

It was hard enough up to the D, but now that it's over, why drag it on anymore?

Never got a response to the text from earlier and probably won't. I don't know, what is her idea of this? What she's supposed to marry OM now and I'm supposed to go steal her away from him 'cause that sure seems to be how it seems