Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[Sugar and Spice]

She gets her own cake tomorrow and I get to make OUR memories with her.

Exactly! K is always going to know that you are the one that she can count on and who loves her. You are going to be tested because they are going to use whatever means neccessary to perpetuate their BS pretend family, even at Ks expense. Unfortuantely for her, one of these days she will have to realize what kind of person her Dad truly is, but for right now, just focus on the two of you and the memories and life that the two of you have together. Those are the things that are important.
Have a great time on her birthday and at the party. You are such a great mom and K is such a lucky little lady to have you. Enjoy that sweet baby, it goes soooo fast. My baby will be 8 in a couple of weeks and my son is a teenager already.Have a good day.

[blindsided1]

Thanks Sug for the nice words. I try really hard to do the right things for K. I try hard to be good to her father even though he is a jerk most of the time. I just want her to grow up well adjusted and I pray, everyday, I pray that she doesn't find someone to love that is like her Dad. I would hate to watch her go through that. My Mom was/is a wonderful Mom. She has always been the voice of reason, always boosted out self-esteem, always told us we were beautiful, and smart and funny and good people. I grew up basically thinking I was invincible because of her. I appreciate her for that and everything she has done for my brother and I.

And, I am trying to prepare myself for the test "they" will throw my way. My H is a very competetive, bitter, vindictive "man" (for lack of a better noun). I can totally see him rubbing all the "Disneyland Dad" stuff he is going to do for her in an attempt to "out do" me. The thing is...go ahead. I can't be out-done because I'm there. Everyday. Rain or Shine. Sick or Healthy. Cranky or Happy. Laughing or Crying. I'm there for HER.

[karen43]

My kids have a Disney dad too. He was the worst about it when he was totally fogged out with the A, not spending much time with them, and really unreliable. I think the worse they feel and the more guilt about their poor parenting, the more they spend $$$. When he was almost never there about a year ago, he would buy them stuff literally every time he saw them. My D9 would come home with literally several gifts and stuffed animals after a day with him. He's been spending more time with them recently and the gifts have dramatically lowered. Karen

[blindsided1]

You know, that's what is so difficult for me. He spends really no time with K. Only Friday nights he has her. He talks about how he is taking care of his daughter and what a great Dad he is. But, when she is sick or there is a special occassion...he's not there unless it's his visitation day. He never calls to see how she is between his visits. He didn't ask how her Christmas was or anything. I doubt he'll call her on her birthday. And, his excuse is.."she can't talk." Well, yes she can. She calls out for him often after her visit with him. It breaks my heart to hear her say "dada" and I have to say, "Daddy's not here". I know she doesn't feel the impact, but one day she will. And, even if she can't have a conversation with her...she recognizes his voice. She loves to have people talk to her on the phone. I just think that when she is out of sight, she is out of mind.

My Dad rarely called or had contact with us between our visits when I was growing up. I was 7. He had us every other weekend. I know my Dad loved me and he was always good to my Mom. They always loved each other even though they were re-married to other people. They loved each other because of us and we knew it. But, I have to say, unintentionally, my Dad left a huge hole in me. I had and continue to have abandonment issues. I hate to be left. I hate to lose people. I can't let go. Obviously, I've been on this board for over a year and a half and I can't even let go of my loser H. I worry for K that she might feel that way and make poor choices in men. I worry that she will see her Dad with her brother that is only 9months younger with her and wonder why she wasn't good enough to stay for. But, I think if I can prepare and educate myself as much as possible, I can keep her from feeling that or at least minimize it. I'll certainly give it everything I have.

[His Wife]

Children need consistency. You provide that. Children trust blindly and unless or until you betray that trust on a level that is damaging, you will always have it. You will always have K's trust. He will destroy her trust of that I am sure. Regarding the situation with the brother, when the time comes and you can start to see her questioning things or any hurt in her eyes when she comes back from being with them, you will be a good mother and let her know how much you love her. Your love will be enough for her. You can always get the advise of a counselor as to how to handle this with K so that she can maitain her confidence and self esteem and find an age appropriate way of telling her the truth. It will do you no good to sugar coat the person her father is and what role her step mother played in her life but there is a way to be honest but kind and gentle about it so that she never questions her role in any of it and can make her own judgements about them and their behavior. Your goal will be to help you daughter love her father, faults and all. If you can do this, she will grow up healthy and strong.

[blindsided1]

That is my goal. I don't believe in sugar coating, either. But, I don't want to seem vidictive or bitter. By the time she's old enough, I know I will be way past it and not even really care much. But, I don't think the hurt will ever really go away, just diminish enough to put it where it needs to be...in the past. I know I can do this. I just worry. I suppose that's part of being a Mom.

[Startingover2]

I don't know about you but there are times where I am thankful exh split when he did...when baby was so young. I cannot imagine my exh or your H splitting when they were older and way more attached and being blown off like they are now. How hard that would be for the kids. My older kids and exh's kids had a tough time of it and they are not even his.

We have to have faith that our girls will see us as examples of what not to pick also on being tough and resiliant. K will know who has done everything for her. For example, exh's kids...the older one doesn't want to go over to his house anymore. Her mother has to force her to spend one night a week there. The younger one (12) goes out of guilt. She still wants to believe he is a good dad but he always lets her down. He also uses her emotions to make himself feel better when they withdraw "oh you don't love your dad". I fully expect that out of my exh when baby is older.

Just keep on being the great mom you are..

Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY K! Love you baby!

[volleydog]

You ARE showing your kids what a good parent is like.

I do wish your ex would realize his problem and get help not for you or his kids but himself...Then maybe he can repair the other damage he's done.

[kassie]

I agree whole heartedly, you ARE showing your kids what a good parent is. When in IC with the first M, I was told to just take care of my R with the kids and not feel it was my job to manage the R between the kids and their F. I was told to let it take its course, not to intervene, and not to apologize. Let him have his R with them and let them find out who is who and what is what. It was hard for me - I had such a great R with my F, but I let go and now they know what he is about and live with that.

[Startingover2]

I hope K had a great birthday! I can't believe its been one year already.

Lets make the next year so great!