OK...if you guys are done talking about me, I have time for a few random thoughts.
Puppy asked what my decision was....
I can no longer remained married to his woman. She has no idea exactly what I know, and more info gathering, which I am not going to defend, has let me know just how far gone she is. I still believe there has been nothing physical, but I no longer know who she is, how she got to where she is now and cannot continue to live with her.
How I get to the next step, and avoid a short, or long period of limbo and allow this continue is still a question.
That will come up in the next day or 2 and I am trying my best to remain the person I have been this past year...even with her lies and deceptions, that's important to me.
I ride the fence on disclosure to her family, mine and our friends.
To break up the affair with thoughts of her working on the marriage are long gone because of what I now know, so would it be vindictive to blow her story all over the place?
Finances are a major concern right now, and I would be on the short end of that stick until I get on track with the job and new facility. If she bugs out and leaves me with no help or concern for what are both of our responsibilities, then it is going to be a tough year.
One of my other concerns is my daughter, and my hopes are that she is unaware of what is going on. To think that my wife has some how talked to here and explained this in a way that makes it look OK, are way too bizarre to comprehend right now.
I want to sit her down and tell her exactly what is going on, but would hope we could do that together. Once again, though, my wife does not know how much I know about there talks and relationship, so that would have to come out first.
For some reason, not vindictiveness, I feel my D needs to know the whole truth...what I know...is that wrong? Even if the marriage is done, I do not want this to be glossed over by my wife and have her some how think my daughter is OK with it...I do not want her to be part of it.
Home is quiet, reserved and a bit strange. Since I have not let the whole thing come out, we are still communicating, but barely...and I have tried to get out and away in the evenings.
She spends most of her time online or lounging. She had been working her way towards this for a while now, but it is obvious at this point she has no interest in "keeping house" with me.
That brings me to my thoughts of digging in, taking care of my home, keeping myself busy around there, getting away when I can and letting her know that I will not go as planned. The game has been changed...the rules have been changed, and I have made some mistakes...but I never asked to end the marriage and if I have to struggle I will. I will not give up my home.
Still not sure what is stopping me from just telling her to GTFO....finances...hope for an epiphany?...quietly waiting for her to just pack up and leave?...there was her texts about an apartment search, so she could be bringing this all to a close on her own...which would be fine for me.
I'm sorry..I know this was quick and random, but honestly...feeling pretty good. The good days in the past 9 or 10 days have outnumbered the bad.
It's just the next steps I am having the trouble with. As much as she has hurt me and deceived me, for some reason I still find it difficult to just ask her to leave.
That may be just me trying to hang on to what I have had this past year...not what I have had with her, but the work on my anger, my attitude...my outlook on life.
Somebody said it was like being stuck between a rock and hard place...and that's pretty much how I feel right now.
To yell, scream and show my anger is the old me....to treat her with compassion and understanding...show her that I still love her and would be willing to continue to work on myself and the marriage..some how makes no sense.
Right now, I feel as though I need her out of my life and want to move on, but just as I had so often this past year, I am suffering from paralysis from analysis.
