Hi guys, I had another convo with H, on the phone this time. I am calmly and slowly letting it all out. I dont get any answers but at least I feel I get a chance to "free up" my mind a bit.
Today I talked to him about vacation and all that and I ended up telling him what we do is our choice. There is no "it happened" or "I cant" etc etc. He started telling me how he needs the amount of money he is making now to live by. When I asked him what for since he doesnt spend it he said for security. The amount of money he would be making form his one job would be more that I have to spend including child support, so I mentioned that and he said "I cant live with these standards". That got me going and told him if these are the standards me and his kids live by, it cant be that bad. He insisted and after a while he sort of agreed it is a mind thing and he really does not need both jobs since he admitted he doesnt even spend half of what he has left after he pays CS.
I told him I think job is an excuse. I told him if he would agree to a marriage/R like the one he seems to want to have with me: with no tenderness, ML, talks, time etc etc. He didnt answer. About ML he said "its not me, it's the way he is". I told him I dont need a brother, I have one and he doesnt need a sister. I asked him if he is afraid to let go not to regret it later. He said he is thinking about it. I told him he already took that risk once. What is the problem now? No OW waiting?
I told him I cant go on like this and we should start taking the kids on the weekends separately. I also told him I dont think it is wise for him to join us during vacation. He agreed not to. I told him I wished he would object and give me a [censored] reason to believe he wants to be with me. He said he had offered before to go together as part of the effort. I then told him this is no effort and he shouldnt fool himself. He and I, both, dont stretch ourselves at all. For myself I can only insist I show patience far beyond the point I thought I was capable for.
I wasnt DBing but I was talking with no emotion and detached. So, I did use the "you" carefully in sentences like "you need to realise that if we were ever going to make it, it had to be an effort with actions, consistent and outside of our comfort zone". I brought up examples and things he had agreed to do that we never managed to.
He listen, never objected and mostly agreed. He mentioned for the first time the possibility of renting an apartment which is something he refused to do in the past and very telling IMO.
We are heading steadily towards the D and although I keep throwing him rope to (hang himself) hold on to, he doesnt respond.
I felt so used again especially when he talked about money and what he thinks is acceptable for a living and when I told him what I have available for the 3 of us and paying 700 euros per month to the babysitter and pension for the kids (which is more than half than what he gives me) he sounded confused and a bit guilty. I asked him for a loan to pay my cc and pay him back in monthly payments by reducing CS, in order to save me some interest. He agreed with no hesitation. I only did that AFTER I told him we need to keep distances from now on so I can never be accused of taking advantage of the "reconciliation" process.
Still no passion, no firm oppinion, no action plan other than what I suggest. I suggested we proceed with separating our lives which is not going to be difficult at this point.
Back to being single. Alone and lonely. But I can honestly say I see no use of delaying this anymore. K
I wonder what his reaction would be to a naked woman...Is it even possible to seduce this man? Ooops did I "say" that? Guess I know where my mind is lately. I wish he would have the guts to DO something. Hugs dear lady.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kalni: Hi there. I haven't caught up in awhile. Your last post is (of course) sad to read, but I catch an undertone of relief. I can certainly understand that. Maybe relief from trying to carry the effort for so long?
Just thinking about you. Nice job being calm, and on a path of decisiveness! (Send some of that my way!)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My H is good looking, slim and charming (when not sleepy). If any one of you girls are willing I WILL pay you to get a reaction out of him and yes, you can walk around naked in front of him, I dont mind...
Did I help create this... moster? I wonder. C said his parents did most of that job but I cant help looking for things I've done to him to take his "mojo" away... sigh!!! Guilt, Guilt and more guilt... K
Kalni... Hahaha I can't speak for Kat, but I meant you. Give him a shock. Answer the door naked! I have enough of my own H's rejection, I wouldn't want YOUR H's, too! Did give me a giggle, though...
I hear ya about the guilt. I KNOW I could have been more attentive, instead of worry about the kids, the household duties, etc... We need to let that go NOW!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
LOL!! No I don't want to parade around, I am just wondering what is up with him??? Is he so depressed and has he been this way for so long that everyone accepts it as normal?? I honestly don't know any guy that wouldn't do SOMETHING if a naked woman walked his way.
I know you are in this, I am not. I have gone through the whole messy, D thing and hate to see someone else that I care about go there too. It isn't my decision, totally yours and I stand with you on it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'm sorry. I guess you are starting to hear words that match the actions you've been seeing all along, even if you have to pull them out one by one! One way or another, it would wure be nice if he would stand up and say something. Might be too much to hope for.
As far as you creating the "monster" that is him, no way! He is choosing (consciously or unconsciously) to be this way. He has a TON of issues that he is afraid of seeing and facing. Thus, he's avoiding doing what it takes to make this M work.
I too wish he'd act, but I see him as "emotionally dead" right now. Not sure how to wake him from that.
Your path may have become clear to you, my dear. As unfortunate as it seems. You've been trying but w/little results. Could you have done more? Hindsight will always say "yes." You have been putting in a tremendous amount of work to try and salvage something.
However, he's done ZERO to make this work and it can't be a one-sided affair. That simply won't work.
Sweet lady, I hear the resignation in your tone and I understand completely. You had to try, you had to give him the chance to be the man he could be, but he wasn't up to the task. I'm sorry, but isn't there some relief there too? It isn't going to be easy but you are SO strong and you can do anything!!!!!!!!
Your kids will be fine, eventually. Love them, hold them, always be there for them. That is all they need right now.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hugs dear lady.
