Divorce looming #14

[aliveandkicking]

"We need to respect that Mommy feels this way, and that this is what she wants. I don't want it, but it's OK for grown-ups to disagree with each other sometimes, even about important things. I still love her very much, and I know you do too, and she will always be your mother and we have to respect her. Do you understand?" (or some such).

I think that is too much for now. Assuming his account is accurate, I think it was fine and I am ultra sensitive on this topic.

[FaithfulH]

Kevin4Dallas,

In advance of our dinner, I wanted to share this link to my latest thread (you will also find links to each of my threads if you are interested):

Walkin' Towards the Blessing!

I have read all of your threads and I look forward to meeting you! You are getting lots of great advice here....I hope to be able to add to that!

[25yearsmlc]

CG,

You may be right in that I certainly haven't followed his threads the way you have. If this is part of a PATTERN of making his wife out to be the bad guy -- TO THE KIDS -- then they probably won't hear the carefully constructed words of validation that I suggested above. But I would probably still advise him erring on the side of the truth.

Puppy

PT, aside from our usual diff approaches, you simply have to read this guys thread to get our point. He has done a lot of damage and hurt his m way before the affair with lots of drinking and other "problems" that the threads long ago discuss. Seriously - his recall is very very selective and if kevin wants to open the can of worms about ALL the reasons for the divorce, he will need to wear a helmet and vest, b/c his wife will understandably launch some retaliatory responses...Kevin is having amnesia right now, (again)...fyi

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CG,

You may be right in that I certainly haven't followed his threads the way you have. If this is part of a PATTERN of making his wife out to be the bad guy -- TO THE KIDS -- then they probably won't hear the carefully constructed words of validation that I suggested above. But I would probably still advise him erring on the side of the truth.

Puppy

PT, aside from our usual diff approaches, you simply have to read this guys thread to get our point. He has done a lot of damage and hurt his m way before the affair with lots of drinking and other "problems" that the threads long ago discuss. Seriously - his recall is very very selective and if kevin wants to open the can of worms about ALL the reasons for the divorce, he will need to wear a helmet and vest, b/c his wife will understandably launch some retaliatory responses...Kevin is having amnesia right now, (again)...fyi

Good to know, 25 -- you're probably right. You guys certainly have more of the background and context than I do. I haven't read all -- just all of the current thread -- but it's been enough for me to sense some of your all's exasperation, lol.

Puppy

[K4D]

Let me say this. I don't insult there mother to them. I always tell them their mother loves them and that they should love their mother as well. I say this regardless of my feelings about knowing what she is doing.

Now do I personally feel that she loves them like she used to? No, I don't. I think she has clearly put her desires, not needs, but desires above her own kids.

Now does that clear me out of the picture? No. I have failed miserably in keeping focused on them because of my own inabilities to let go of my W.

So in a way, we have both failed the kids in that aspect. But I do not try to make their mom the bad guy to them. I simply state the truth about where I stand. If that makes her look like the bad guy because I am not for the D, thats her problem. I agree with puppy. I don't think there is anything wrong with stating where you stand on an issue. I haven't said anything further about it to them. I haven't told them a single thing their mother has done or is doing. They don't know anything other than I made a lot of mistakes and mommy wants a divorce. That is all they know. If anything, I have made myself look like the bad guy to them by telling them that I made a lot of mistakes in the marriage and that mommy has a right to be angry with me.

Now I will admit that this morning they asked me why I would not be coming to the birthday dinner and I blurted out I wasn't invited and dropped it at that. I told them to have a good time and I know they will enjoy themselves and I will see them again tomorrow.

I will probably get 2x4'd for that. But I simply stated the truth. Now had I thought about it, I probably could have said something like I already had plans, which wouldn't have looked very good or I could have said that right now me and mommy need time apart. That probably would have been a better alternative. But I just responded immediately without thinking first.

That is something I have to work on doing is thinking before I say anything to the kids regarding a situation between me and their mom.

I don't ask them what their mom is doing or what she has been doing. I ask them how their week was and what all they got to do.

D7 is a very sweet and sensative child. While she has her moments of being a turd like every 7 year old does, she is still very sensative.

D11 is very sweet to but is really growing into that teenage attitude. Its not all the time. But it is happening.

I love them both and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

I am just having such an emotional and mental difficulty letting go of W even though she is already gone.

I debated whether or not to send her a text today saying happy 35th birthday and I hope she enjoys it. As of right now, I have not contacted her or sent anything. It would probably make her day sour if I did.

Does it bother me that this is the first birthday we will not be spending together? Yes. It bothers me hugely. Its been on my mind all week. She always makes her birthdays a week long deal and we have a great time. I'm not part of that this year. And she is dating around now. Yes, the MLC is probably over and she has just plain moved on.

I don't think she wants to see anything from me right now changes or whatever except seeing me out of her life. I don't honestly believe that changes matter to her at this point. That doesn't mean I don't need to make them, but they don't matter to her. I need to make them for me. Which is why I am going to the C.

Needing time apart is one thing. Having A's is another. But it doesn't change the fact that I still love her and want to repair things with her. And it doesn't change my stance on marriage is for life. You may be separated, but you are still spiritually married for life. Many will disagree with me on this. Thats fine. They are entitled to. My W has used all kinds of things to try and get around that, but then finally agreed. But added that she doesn't care and will just be forgiven.

Like I said before. I don't have a problem with separation. I have a problem with her being with other men. Not that there is anything I can do about it. Its legal, we all have free will. It is what it is. But I don't have to agree with it or like it. And it does eat at me every day. Spiritually speaking she doesn't even have the right to remarry. But that won't stop her. And I am not some holier than thou Christian put here to judge. I am just a Christian who is having a tough time with things and trying to be the best Christian I can. That doesn't make me perfect by a long shot. Nobody is. And I spent years tearing apart this M. I was completely in self delusion mode. You all say I am in self delusion mode now about her coming back. I call it hope and faith that at some point she will return. You all say I have to change myself before any chance of that will happen. I agree. But I am not giving up on my M regardless of what happens or regardless of anyone telling me to.

The D was dismissed for some reason. I don't know why. All I know is I prayed every day it would be to give us more time and somehow it was. I don't think that was an accident. I wouldn't be giving credit where credit is due if I said it was an accident or that God had nothing to do with it.

Now you all have pointed out that God helps those who help themselves. And I agree with that to. And I need to do a far better job of helping myself. But it doesn't eliminate that some prayers have been answered. I have seen things answered. I came back from Florida. I got a job offered to me that while the pay may not be what I want right now, it is probably the best scenerio job for me with having to deal with this right now. I got my daughters every other week. W allowed me around more. When I have really needed someone, people have come into my life. I prayed that OM would not show up for W's birthday. Turns out he had to cancel. When I am feeling really alone I ask for a miracle and alot of times I get some kind of miracle. Its not the big one I am hoping for, but it is another one that helps me when I need it. This weekend I prayed for a miracle. I got D11 Saturday and part of Sunday. W and D11 were spared when a tired shredded on them on the main highway. Apparently it was a scary situation. But they were safe. Things happen when I pray and stay faithful. I just haven't seen the big one happen. But I pray every day about it multiple times a day. The bible say to be persistant in your praying until you receive it. Its in the book of Luke. I stopped by a church yesterday on the way to pick up my girls and went inside and prayed and then left to pick up my girls. The church is a house of prayer as Jesus refers to it. I asked for a bonus that did not happen, but something else happened. I asked if there was anyway to open W's heart to allow me to celebrate her birthday with her tonite. Didn't happen. But then I got an email from FaithfulH and he was able to have dinner with me tonite.

See, things happen. They aren't necessarily what I am praying for, but they are things anyways that help me. The free counseling. What were the odds. I was put on a waiting list apparently and got moved up somehow. My W has had problems with her van one after the other lately. My car is doing great and is 2 years older. My W's job is likely going to end at the end of the year. Mine is likely to go permanent. I have the books to study what I need to move my career forward with. I just need to apply them. I try to read the bible, although I need to read it more especially when I am down.

I feel like God is working overtime for me and maybe it is all to set up a reconciliation at some point in the future if I can just do what is being thrown my way. He probably needs me to be in a better position than I am right now mentally and emotionally before he can start working W back into the equation. Thats exactly what you all have told me. I just need to remember that and do that and not fall down on that.


This whole thing is the biggest event of my entire life much like the rest of you. Why would I give up on it? Where would my faith be if I gave up on it? What I need to make sure of is that my faith if not in my W but instead in God at all times regardless of the outcome. And even if it does end in D. It doesn't mean it is over forever. Lots of things can change over time. I am remaining faithful, regardless of knowing what she is doing. That doesn't have anything to do with lack of self respect. The lack of self respect comes in to me not figuring out how to be happy without her while I wait and pray for a reconciliation. That is where I lack horribly. But even if I figure out how to be happy without her, it does not mean I am giving up on her and our M. It just means I am mentally and emotionally happier and can handle better whatever comes my way.

To all of you... I owe a debt of gratitude. You are all so wonderful and I pray for everyone here to be able to reconcile. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to know and be part of.

I am my own worst enemy and I have to get past this.

My kids need me to be strong for them and I have just lacked in that at times. I know I am letting God down when I do. They can't rely on their mom for a stable life, so I have to be the one to provide that and I have to start stepping up to the plate better for them or they will have nobody.

I really need strength there.

And I know that my W can point so many fingers at me and I have admitted that. I did more things wrong than I can count in the M.

But I have faith that at some point it can be revived if I just do what I have to do to improve myself.

FaithfulH, I am reading through your threads and looking forward to dinner tonite.

Kevin

[K4D]

I don't have amnesia about the things I did wrong. I have so much regret about the things I did wrong. It literally haunts me every day the things I did wrong. I just don't say it. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret and think about everything I did wrong and if only I had done things right.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Kevin,

Let's repeat AGAIN. No one has ever told you not to work on your M or that you don't believe in D, etc. etc. etc.

But how self-righteous were you when you were drinking? Were YOU thinking about God and how you were hurting your M? Not just for a few months, but evidently it was YEARS.

All the problems and solutions you've listed above you've repeated time and time again. Stopping drinking cold turkey doesn't deal with the issues and problems that happened before.

Then the one time you go to see a C to deal with your undealt issues, you don't even give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Do you remember that LONG list of things that your W said she didn't like about you that you posted here? Have you SERIOUSLY addressed any of them? NO. It always comes back to how you can't understand your W. Well guess what, we all undertand your W and it's all detailed in that list. You want to find out what makes your W tick? Tattoo that list to your arm. Address those issues over and over and over again. Pray for forgiveness in you and your W.

You want to talk about God, Jesus, etc. Well the top thing He teaches if FORGIVENESS. You have to forgive her. And that begins by addressing the issues that you have so that you can show compassion for others without judgement. There's only one judge and He's sittin' up there in the clouds. You can't judge your W as much as she can't judge you.

One thing that stood out is how you said how precious your 7y.o. is and yet in the same sentence, refer to her as a turd. I would NEVER refer to my 6 y.o. as that even in a joking manner. You love her and she acts up sometimes. Period. You might not think it's a big deal, but what if your W said that? Suddenly you'd say that your W is a bad mother because she said your D was a turd. How about losing that line of thought with your kids first. Stop being so judgemental. If you don't think you are, then I suggest you re-read the things that you've written here.

You are praying for the wrong thing. You don't pray for reconciliation. You pray for forgiveness and the knowledge, understanding and compassion that comes along with it. None of us are perfect. Hell I'm learning every day.

Think I'm wrong? Print out my post and give it to your pastor. See what he thinks. Then you'll have it verified by someone who talks to God on a regular basis.

[PMA_Baby!]

Kevin, I for one am glad to have read that post. It shows you have been listening and are learning from your mistakes and growing like the rest of us. Now is the time to KEEP the momentum going. Remember "anything worthwhile is worth fighting for..."

Keep the faith Brotha! Be the best Kevin you can be for yourself and your girls.

Peace, PMA

[MrBond]

Having regret is different from understanding what went wrong in you and fixing it. We all have regrets of what we should or shouldn't be doing. But we've all addressed those things in varying degrees. And it's not just saying "I've changed". It's an honest to God understanding where you get the lightbulb moment and everything clicks.

Oh yeah and in terms of your W, she DID NOT have a MLC so stop blaming it on that. She had that laundry list of things that she had to deal with and just decided she wasn't going to put up with it any more. Again, go back and re-read that list, you're making all the same mistakes. That is your key.

[volleydog]

But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret and think about everything I did wrong and if only I had done things right.

Then one of the first things you need to do is forgive yourself. The past is what it is nothing you can do so don't dwell on it learn from it, use it to help you not make the same mistakes.