Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

I had another reality check last night because my cousins wife and I have recently started communicating and she told me yesterday evening that he asked her for a divorce after 10 years. Hearing the raw pain and hurt she was going through reminded me of my own experiences just weeks and days ago and through the DR, I could see some of the processes at work. This is not to say that I was detached to the degree that I couldn't feel empathy for her, far from it, it started me crying in fact to hear her troubles. But it did let me hear some of the craziness that surrounds the D word when it is brought up...like the fact her H said "I haven't EVER been happy in this marriage" and things like that. She says they have been happy for the past 5 years, and felt that "crazy making" feeling that I know only too well, when your memories get corrupted and your H is attempting to "rewrite history" because of his current hurting position. I was able to tell her what I wished I had been able to hear right at that scary time, that he is just saying these things out of fear and he doesn't really mean them, but they are very hurtful. It's scary to see it play out so "by the book" literally, and see the power of harsh words in an oh so fragile time already.

I didn't say one word to my H yesterday. Not a one. I consider this a "personal victory"...lol! Back in middle school, there was an educational video about PV, saying that every time you resisted peer pressure and didn't have sex or take drugs or swear or whatever, you were having a PV, no matter if anyone else knew it or not. Now I know that this was a PV for sure, and wanted to share it with you Montana, and the rest of the DB/DR world! Even when I had a perfectly legitimate reason to talk to him, I did not, and with dignity and grace put my chips and salsa and margarita down in the living room despite the fact my H was there (he sleeps there but is rarely there otherwise). Instead I just looked at him until he started talking saying that he had a really early morning today. So I walked away, again having said nothing back, which for me is HUGE progress. I mean, I didn't even make a face or have an odd expression, much less a sarcastic or b*tchy comment. This sounds like I'm a horrible person, and I get that. I'm not, it's just that I normally wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes, like all of us, say something before I think it through.

Last thing...the last man I was serious about before my H is an attorney and he is the one who offered to help me with my response form because I have a ton of questions about it. My H's damn lawyer did not use the standard form, instead he used a regular letter form and numbered his items instead of the "Sections a-d" used on the response form. So since I don't want to agree to anything inadvertanely, I need some help making sure my response is correct. Anyways, I can definatley tell that the spark with the old flame is still there, and we've really enjoyed catching up by talking on the phone. I can't wait to see him again, since it's been a year and a half since I saw him last, but he's well aware that I am trying to preserve the marriage, so we both will be somewhat restrained, thank god. I know that this attraction is part of the reason I was able to do such a great job keeping my cool with the H last night.

I have really enjoyed talking to the guy I used to date, so long ago, the Attorney, on the phone and I know it has really increased my confidence and brought out the sassy, fun side of myself that I haven't seen in ages. Unfortunately, the guy I used to date, let's call him Gizmo, is still in the exact same place as he was when I last dated him in that he is still not 100% sure of what he wants. We would date, have incredible chemistry, and then he would "poof", disapear for weeks and weeks, despite any plans we would make. I allowed myself to fall for him and kept getting hurt, so this time I'm on alert, plus, <duh>, I'm married and there's no way I'd compromise that success with something that I pretty much know 100% is not going to work cause Gizmo is still stuck in the same place he was back then. With that said, I do intend to kiss him and I will not feel guilty about that at all. I have not cheated on my spouse ever, nor have I even wanted to kiss someone until this point, but I know that I will want to kiss Gizmo and I allow myself that much. It won't go beyond that simply because he and I never went beyond that when we went out. Like I said, it was a bunch of dating, intense chemistry and kissing, then nothing, for a total of three seperate rounds of dating before I simply stopped dating everyone except my husband, in part because he was so reliable and called when he said he would call, etc. Gizmo was the complete opposite of that, but I still was madly attracted to him and for some months cried every day for him.