GETTING UN'STUCK'

[25yearsmlc]

Everyone,

Okay, I have a question. For the past few days, my W has been in a generally better mood than she has been in the past. All this would be great, however, I notice that her mind will wander off and she'll be daydreaming. Quite often. When she does so, she'll either smile to herself or just have a hang dog look on her face.

I know I'm getting paranoid, and that she will have residual feelings for the OM especially since they are working together. However I am also wondering if there is someone else at work that she's interested in.

Should I ask her what she's thinking about? Or should I just let it slide? I think if I were to ask her, she'd say, "nothing".

Any advice especially from the AWAWs or WAWs who had A, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks.

If you know how attraction works, then you can do almost anything and it will work. If you don't know how attraction works, you can do everything and it won't work.

No don't ask her.

I'm starting to re-read some of your previous posts,
maybe I'm wrong but it just seems like you're analyzing her every second of the day - maybe she gets the feeling like she's under a microscope when she's around you: constantly being inspected, dissected, examined, etc. A wee bit of pressure don't you think?

AMEN TO THIS...You are definitely overthinking it all. And mind reading galore...OMG....I've reflected about this, and I can't come up with a positive outcome for your question. If she's actually thinking about you & her and ML, etc....she'll let you know more clearly won't she? I thought so...drop it. And no more staring at her for temperature taking from your opinion of her facial expressions... Enough! really stk, you know who you are beginning to sound like don't you? Welllll THEN STOP IT.

So I will say it again, don't ask her.
Say she was thinking about the OM or another man entirely that she may be attracted to and you asked her and she had the guts to say it honestly, "I'm thinking of another man that I'm attracted to at work right now". If she did this, you got your answer, how does it make you feel, any better?

Stuck, I read what you're saying often and you still seem to be comparing yourself to the other guy and thinking that you're better than him in every respect and you can't wrap your head around why she likes him and she doesn't like you. You aren't better in every respect, there is something that the OM does that you aren't doing, he isn't pursuing her the way you are, he is relaxed, confident, secure and obviously attractive. You are pursuing her, you aren't relaxed, you aren't confident, you sound very insecure and none of these things are attractive.

What happened to getting a life?

If you're that interested in going out with your wife on a date, do something small that doesn't communicate that you're trying to manipulate her with fancy dinners & gifts.

"Hey beautiful, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?"

Smile when you say it, make it look like a joke, enjoy it, don't make it sound so difficult.

If she says why, tell her in a joking way "I'm trying to get you to like me again and I'm thinking maybe a coffee and a donut would probably get the job done! LOL!" (TAD NIT PICKY HERE BUT BEAR WITH ME...Maybe switch to "sweep you off your feet! and thought coffee would..." instead of getting her to like you again, b/c saying that is a tad too pathetic whereas "sweeping her off her feet" seems more dramatic/funny...hey it's just a thought but do NOT ask her what she is thinking...please...)

Laugh when you say it, appear comical, funny, confident in yourself - that's the stuff that's attractive.

True. Don't take yourself too seriously too, b/c that relieves some pressure. Back off from all this microscoping her. IF the time comes for a "friend's evening" or 'date,' THEN rent a comedy you think SHE'LL like, and laugh together. Live comedy can be great for this too.

Tell her that aside from all this relationship drama, you miss your friend and would like to go out, share a coffee and discuss life outside of the relationship: work, kids, weather, everything that isn't personal. If she says she doesn't think it's a good idea, tell her you agree with her but still wouldn't mind getting your coffee & sugar fix and you're sure she could probably use a coffee as well.
Go to the local coffee joint, nothing expensive, low key, and just coffee. It's unassuming, doesn't communicate trying to buy someone, it's innocent and it's simple because it's just coffee between 2 friends.

"Regardless of our marriage problems, it would be a shame to throw away a friendship, you can never have too many friends"

As long as the R can handle this now...it's so close to pursuit, though. Are you sure you have to do ths now? What's the rush?

You have to be confident, you have to stop seeking approval, you have to be secure in who you are, you have to reclaim this confident, secure man you once were and you have to start exhibiting that regardless if she leaves or not, you're going to be just fine, from what i've read thus far, you haven't communicated any of that so the question that begs to be asked is.... when are you going to start doing things different from how you currently do them? When do you start realizing that what you are doing isn't working?
Well??

Try the coffee thing that i mentioned, say it exactly the way I said it,

"exactly"??....No...let's SERIOUSLY quibble!!


in fact that's part of this, I probably don't talk like you (not diction or tone, the actual choice of words is what i'm referring to), it will sound different coming from you and she will pick up on that.

Are you interested in trying this? I hope so.
Still rootin' for ya bro!

we all are rooting for you, Stuck. But take a breath buddy.
What is your wife's take on your pursuing her now? Does she she find it smothering and controlling or manipulative like it is all tactical to get her back and none of the changes in you are real?
Did you come up w your own timeline yet? If it's anything like mine was, (as in a long one) you have to pace yourself, and take your time to find what will work for you and one thing we know is that you'll have to find something that at some point, feels natural to you. Or natural enough. Pace yourself...it will help you in all of this personal growth "stuff" and it's a life skill. Pace yourself. Read, and as robx said, what's going on with the GAL?
((( )))
j-