You? You've been given a gift here. He's given you the gift of yourself. Not just the need, the Freedom to define Who You Are and How You Roll.
Let's cut to the chase here -- does anyone really believe I'm as grounded as I sound? I'm a mental case! But the one thing I know is that this divorce has been a gift to me -- I am in Complete Control of defining how I act, how I react, and who I become as a result of it. That might NEVER have happened without the Bomb. That's what has given me the power to forgive WAW. Would I prefer not to be divorced? Of course! But given that I am, who better to determine How I Roll than....me?
Yep you have a choice in how you handle this part of your life. Alive, have you read "The Meaning of Life" by Victor Frankl? If not check it out. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
In essence and substance, the very things I would be saying to someone else...
And, I get the Life Coach thing, I've been told that and thought about it myself .
I feel how you do about Shmedlap but I want to tell him "don't you see, you've been sucked into the Hollyweird vaccuum?" You know, it is just an element I don't want in my sphere...too bad. Then again, if I'm nice to him, maybe he can hook me up...
I get it. I really do. I am terrified of the "work." It is like leaping into the abyss and yes ultimately freeing myself from role as Shmedlap's alter-ego/sidekick will compel me to be me...just looks like a steep mountain and I'm sure I've gotten comfortable with this life...gonna have to wake up and work harder.
I'm thinking about joining a writing group...got some ideas brewing of my own. TBD in the alter.
You? You've been given a gift here. He's given you the gift of yourself. Not just the need, the Freedom to define Who You Are and How You Roll.
Let's cut to the chase here -- does anyone really believe I'm as grounded as I sound? I'm a mental case! But the one thing I know is that this divorce has been a gift to me -- I am in Complete Control of defining how I act, how I react, and who I become as a result of it. That might NEVER have happened without the Bomb. That's what has given me the power to forgive WAW. Would I prefer not to be divorced? Of course! But given that I am, who better to determine How I Roll than....me?
Yep you have a choice in how you handle this part of your life. Alive, have you read "The Meaning of Life" by Victor Frankl? If not check it out. Cheers
I read it long ago. Will read it again. Thanks.
I get this. I'm resisting jumping into the abyss...but it must happen. My journey has to happen. Perhaps I thought I was in control...I need to open up to the life that is calling me even if I can't see it clearly now.
On the upside, while I writhe on here and as I sleep, I feel the momentum building and perhaps it is ok that it takes me some time to gear up. I have a lot of work to do and my life will soon change drastically.
Peaks and Valleys. I have been using that analogy for years at work and in a marriage prep class my W and I taught at our church. (Alannis that is Ironic)
I am a financial advisor and if you look at a picture of the market, what does it do? It goes thru peaks and valleys but the slope is consistently positive over the long term. When is the best time to add more to your investment? When is it the hardest to invest more? Why is it hard when things are bleak? You have to detach. You can't just keep having mountain top experiences without going thru a valley. It doesn't go down forever (abyss) and it doesn't go straight up without stopping. That's life. That's marriage. That's work. So you have to invest (love) more when things are down to get a better return on your investment (you). You have to do the work but you are not alone or without help. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Last 2 times I didn't go when it was involving these friends I sort of regretted (in our R there was always tension between me and H when it came to them because I just wasn't that interested). I would like to go if only for a little bit (maybe just drop off older son who will be with me).
Just for the sake of argument, I wonder what would happen to a) you and b) to your husband if you did go? Why not? You didn't go before and likely the friends get taken by H only because you let them go (although they don't get "taken" like that - that's your perspective and discomfort).
I wonder about the idea of the LA fog? I can see it would be easy to get sucked up into it. What would happen if you embraced that side of him? He obviously needs it to boost himself. I agree that he'll fall hard. But do you have to hate that side? Could that have been part of your marital issues in the past? I ask because your rants indicate to me that you have a hatred of his job and a strong dislike when he parents in a way that you don't like (i.e. not dangerous, but different than you would like). That stands out to me in these posts.
You will get through this. Make no mistake. You are obviously a wonderful person with a lot to give. You can't hide that in the number of posts you've made. You also seem to be avoiding some of the things to change about you either because you don't want to change or because you think they are normal and good and should be left alone because of that. I'm suggesting you cast off from the real world, but have you considered, I mean fully considered how you may have come across to H over the years?? The parenting differences must have been a source of friction whether you knew it/saw it or not.
If things go wrong in the world, this is because something is wrong with the individual, because something is wrong with me. Therefore, if I am sensible, I shall put myself right first. For this I need a knowledge of the innermost foundations of being . . . The true leaders of mankind are always those who are capable of self-reflection. ~Carl Jung
Your thoughts? AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Alive...I was checking in on you here and it is funny, but I read the posts from Coach and SP...they are so much more qualified for advice...I realize that I am here thinking of you and for support!!!!! They are the bomb! It got me thinking about you and your wit, charm and wonderfully insightful self. These two seem to click with you intellectually. I know you have said that H does too, but just look at the potential for finding somebody out there who wants to spend much more time delving into YOUR feelings, and getting into YOUR mind IRL. Interested in what YOU are thinking and what YOU might say next. I am not saying that you should give up on H or your M...I am just saying that you should run, not walk to joining that writing group. Just a thought....
I did it. I was honest, authentic, validated when he spoke the truth, called it out when not.
I can't even delve into all that transpired. But I definitely pulled off some Kung Fu Dbing.
H has a "someone." Blam, no problem. Good to know. "Good to consider how that might influence these major decisions that are being made that impact us and our family" H- "Oh, no, it is not that kind of thing." Master AK- " Well, it can be hard to see, I know because I find just being interested in other guys is so distracting." Hmmm...H looks uncomfortable. AK-"I just want to make sure when I look back 10 years from now that I can feel right about my role in this, you know?" H- "Ya, of course...Uh, so, you said you've got a guy or guys you're interested in?" AK- "Ya, it's nice you know." And so on...handled the probing questions. Clarified no sex right now but I like getting attention.
He didn't quite let that one go. Good.
So much went on in this convo. So much covered and revealed.
A little WAS manipulation went down. "When I see how unaffected you are by me being with someone else, it becomes so clear that this is not about me but you are just worried about the kids." I just laid it out, nothing to lose. I very matter of factly told him about the sleepless nights and nightmares and panic I went through in the beginning but what does he want from me? I clarified that it was about him and it is about him but that I have braced myself and I have to be sane and accept the reality. It went on but was all good. I really spoke my truth and I saw him for who he is and what he is doing. And, I took the risk of bursting through his bubble before that R gets out of hand. If he goes all the way, so be it.
Later, I even mentioned Retrouvaille, not by name, but just, having acknowledged that I'm really liking what is happening in my life and that we are moving on, that I had heard of some program that is sort of a last resort thing, "you know, just to see if anything is left there and seal the deal. He's "not into therapy". "Ya, me neither, this is different." H- "What is it?" AK-"You go away for a weekend and I guess sort through everything. Not sure I'd want to do it, just sounded interesting. Some courts in some states even mandate before finalizing a divorce." He actually showed more interest than I thought he would and it was quick and light. And, I wasn't lying. I don't know that I would want to do it with him at this point. Sort of trying to neutralize this and make it more of a mutual separation. Felt good and honest.
So much more went down!!! I just was so direct and loving too. No fear. Already D.
Thank you for helping me here. I need to keep on track. AND, I know that I've got a lot of work to do.
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