Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[Sugar and Spice]

Happy Belated Birthday lady!

I know I'm harping...but, my Mom was saying that she thinks the whole "family" thing...the pictures, the party for K with people who don't even know her, my H cooking and OW posting how wonderful he is on FB, my H even made my daughter's birthday cake. He DOESN'T cook. At least he didn't when he was with me. So, my Mom says that she believes that both of them are putting up this fake front because 1) OW wants more than anything to be married and have a "family"...even if it is a fake one, even if she destroyed someone elses to get it, she wants it and any cost. That could also mean she doesn't really even care that it's my H. It could have been anyone who was willing to marry her. Makes a lot of sense. And, 2) My H has to prove to everyone that he made the right decision...see I have my family, my house, a new wife, a new life, I'm happy. It's better that I walked out on my pregnant wife...look how much happier "I" am.
A$$holes.

Listen to your mom, she is a very wise woman. Its dead on what the deal is. OW wants what she wants and it doesn't really matter who the players are, its the fantasy she is after....married, kids, family etc... If it was truly about love or committment or the stuff that love and family is really about, she wouldn't have had to raid your M to get it. H has to play the game because look at the hole he has dug for himself with this situation? He has to save face by pretending that this is what he wants and is Oh, so happy because if he doesn't then he will look like the schmuck he truly is. Don't worry for a second about how "happy" they will be...the cracks are in the foundation already and all it will take is a tremor or two for the whole thing to come tumbling down.

You and K are going to be just fine and you will find the man out there that deserves you and treats you the way you should be.

I know it hurts, but you can at least know that it won't be you he is dragging down with him.

[His Wife]

First of all, Happy Birthday!!!

It does hurt to have someone you care/cared for "choose" to be with someone else no matter how right you are in knowing he isnt good for you and you should not be with him anyway. It is just human nature. Just keep telling yourself that you are better off that he didnt "choose" to be with you. One day it will no longer matter.

I think your mom is right on target. They are both damaged. Just keep thanking the heavens you are not involved in that mess.

He is sick. I am not a man, but no you dont ask your soon to be ex-wife for sex while waiting to marry someone else unless you have serious issues. Even though he has left you and found his "true souldmate" (pardon me while I throw up) she isnt making him happy either or he wouldnt be coming on to you. She isnt the answer for him either, he just cant admit that now. He needs serious help and it needs to be from a professional. It is just too bad that somehow (not from you!!!) she couldnt find out what is going on behind her back. But just you wait, she will find out once the ink is dry on that marriage cert and he starts to feel like that certificate gives him license to do whatever he wants to do. Right now he has to look like the perfect family man or he will miss the next gravy train.....Not your problem anymore and the hurt will lessen for you just give it some more time......

[blindsided1]

HW -soooo good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well. I think of you often. I referred someone (who actually has money to hire her) to Ann. Thank you again for that help.

Sug - you and HW are so right. The more I think about it the more I see it. My Mom also pointed out that OW had two kids with a man who would not marry her probably in an attempt to get him to, then has a baby with a Married man who just had a baby with his WIFE, she pays for him to live off of her. All he has to do is some dishes, watch the kid while she's at work, and pretend that he loves her. Mom says she's probably more afraid to NEVER be married than to be married and get a divorce. Therefore, it doesn't really matter who "the guy" is...as long as she reaches her goal. And, now, my H is probably what she thinks is her last chance considering she is in her 30's and now has 3 kids out of wedlock. I love my Mom. She always brings me back down to earth and out of fantasy land.

H on the other hand HAS created a HUGE hole...he ruined his marriage, left his daughter, hurt his parents and his brother, hurt all of my family, promised OW things he probably never meant to do, got her pregnant, got his a$$ stuck and trapped more than he ever was with me.....WAY MORE. So, of course, he has to prove to the world that this IS what he wants otherwise, what? He's a big loser, jerk-off, cheater, liar, phoney, fake, sociopath. Did I miss anything?

[His Wife]

how about sex addict/deviant? I really think one or both of those apply.

By the way, I always check on you. For the most part, you are doing sooo well and I dont have anything to add, so I just pop in when I think you need some support.

Sad thing is, he will do the same thing to her. Another child will be out there with a dad who walked out. What price has he really had to pay that he is conscience of? Maybe with you garnishing his wages he will see some repurcusssions of his actions but otherwise, how has he been hurt???? When she starts asking for more than he can give or he gets bored or some other woman offers him more than he is getting from her, he will move on again and leave the little boy just like he left Kendall.

Unless he gets some serious professional help he will live his life this way until he finally gets tired of the game and whomever he is with at the time will end up with by default. Not a prize, is he??? He has no self esteem or worth. He gets those feelings from the conquests he makes, not the woman themselves but the conquest.

Live your life and continue being a good mom and daughter and friend. The rest will come when you are ready to accept it.

(by the way, I think he missed his calling. He is one hell of an actor!!!)

[blindsided1]

No sh!t. He is a great actor. My family and I talk about that constantly. How, in the first few years, he was sooooo helpful and sweet and romantic. I swear, at one point, I thought "this guy is too nice for me. I'm not used to having someone falling all over me all the time. He would light candles and give me massages and go out of his way to bring me flowers and presents. My Mom LOVED him. She runs a non-profit crisis intervention and he would help her with all her fundraisers. Then, right after we got married......switch-a-roo. He was gone and some selfish a$$hole was in his place. He would complain if anyone asked him to do ANYTHING.

Sex-addict/deviant - both definitely apply.

I have no doubt that he will do the same to her. When she asks for something from him that he doesn't want to do or when she requires him to be a grown up and put his child or her before his selfish needs or when it's just no fun anymore or she has no money to buy anything....snap, gone like that. I have no doubt. So, I ask myself, why? Why do I continue to believe the lie. The act that he is putting on. As though, somehow she is so much better for him, that she changed him overnight. This is why I kick myself in the a$$.

He would have made my life miserable. It would have always been up and down. At least this way, K doesn't have to be subjected to his flaws EVERY day.

K is so smart and advanced (and I'm not just saying that because I'm her Mother. Her teachers say so, the family is amazed at some of the stuff she does...she whistles, she whistles for the dogs. She's been doing that since she was about 8 months old. Freaked me out the first time I heard it. I blamed it on my Mom, thought she was playing a trick on me. The other day, she put her socks on, by herself. Brilliant child (okay, that me exaggerating). But, yesterday I was talking to my FIL and he said "I just want you to know that I think you are a wonderful Mom and are doing a great job. You're a great teacher." I thought that was sooo very nice.

[Startingover2]

Yes, your husband is being a good boy right now because the ink isn't on the certificate yet. Just wait...get that CS in order for garnishment and make her kid be #2.

You are doing beautifully. Love ya

[blindsided1]

Doing okay today. I really need to stop looking at his FB page. It's ridiculous. OW took some quiz about the name of the guy she will marry. It wasn't my H's name, but she said the personality fits him to a T..."he'll be faithful to you forever..." I had to laugh. God, if she only knew. I wish there was some way to let her know he's been unfaithful to her this whole time. I just don't want to be the one to tell her.

Other than that, I'm ok. I realize what is going on, now. I do. They both have an agenda, a goal and nothing is going to stop them ....not even the serious red flags.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey B, sorry I'm not on much, you can always hollar at me on the alt though!

you know whatever OW says, there life isn't as it seems. I mean really, she pays for everything, he wastes her money, and it's only gonna get worse. and STOP looking at those FB pages! not long ago me and my friend that stayed here got on FB and looked at our h's old girlfriends. I definitely did not search for the OW though, I knew that would be a bad bad idea. But when I did look at the old girlfriend, it really depressed me too. she had a boob job and supposedly modeled in some magazine. sooooo, anyways, it's not a good idea!!

oh, and about the baby thing...I share that because I do believe in it, but I also read a book about the no-cry it out method, and it wasn't about picking the baby up everytime they cried, but instead giving them your presence. so they are still in their crib or bed, but your touching them, or whatever. and there is the pick up put down method too, but I think that's for a younger baby. So, I definitely understand the point about keeping the baby out of your bed. I'm so sorry that H lets her cry like that. You just continually be that constant person that is always there for her so she has support and love from you. She can still have a great life because of you, even if H is a jerk.

[Startingover2]

I wish there was a way for both of us to sit back with our glass of wine and patiently wait and watch for both of our exh's lives to explode.

The day will come. I have faith in that.

[blindsided1]

Good Morning. Good to hear from you ST and always you SO2. I had dinner with In-laws last night. It was nice. MIL was telling me about K's bday party at H's. She said there was a big banner outside the front door that said "Our cupcake is turning 1". She's MY cupcake. Just goes along the lines of their "pretend" family. Whatever. At least on Saturday, when I give her a birthday party, she'll be surrounded by people that actually know her and love her and are there to celebrate her. Not a bunch of OW's friends and family using her as an excuse to have a party. It irked me a little. The thing that bugs me the most is that she had her first cake with him. But, that's okay. She gets her own cake tomorrow and I get to make OUR memories with her. We are going to the Aquarium of the Pacific for her birthday tomorrow and the party is on Saturday. I'm bringing in BBQ from Naples Ribs and the pool is warm, it's supposed to be in the 80's. About 45 people including H's parents and brother. So, I'm excited. It should be lots of fun. I'm excited to see her face when she opens her slide tomorrow. My Dad is going to put it together and cover it with a sheet so she can open it when she gets home. She loves her slide at school. I can't wait to see her play on her very own. I wonder if H will even remember that it is her birthday tomorrow. Part of me doesn't want to take his phone calls on the off chance that he would call to say "Happy Birthday" to her. But, that would mean, right?