GETTING UN'STUCK'

[aliveandkicking]

I'll try a bunch of these "hit and run" compliments and see what happens.

Not to nitpick but I don't think you should try a bunch. Try one. See how it goes in the 24 hours after that. You are going for genuine, sincere and no eeby geebies. She shouldn't have to see you for a good couple hours after the compliment. IMO.

I wish I was a guy sometimes. You don't realize how much mojo you have. She wants a divorce because she is depressed and confused (I know, you didn't x,y and z...); this has little to do with you.

But, you know your areas of weakness, yes? And that is way deeper than mojo. Work on your issues...practice with other people...read, write, exercise...meditate, pray (if that's your bag)...and in the mean time, mojo gets you through...

Man, I wish you guys here knew what you're worth to a woman...too bad, no one can make you feel it. But you've got "it."

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

may I suggest you compliment her sincerely and without an agenda? I mean that's manipulative isn't it? Besides if you are doing it b/c you have desires or goals...

Just be sincere and leave the results up to the big guy. I DO think being specific makes sense. OTherwise its cheap if you know what I mean. Say that you love her long eyelashes (if they're long) or her rear end, etc if you do, and that way she knows it's real for you. Anyone can say "you're pretty" and it is just too generic.

Just read that book (Blue Like Jazz" and was humbled by it and recommend it to all who want to know that their faith is going to be used rightly and not as a weapon...) and STuck, I really hear you about the timeline...

I never thought 2 (or 3) years ago that I'd be here today. I really gave us a 10% chance of reconciling...and I recall saying that at least once out loud to a friend.
Do what you can and that's all you can do. I disagree in one thing. Don't say so much that you'll "be here til it's busted" but maybe rather, "til it's resolved". Can't focus on only one outcome so much (like telling God what your "to do" list is for Him) b/c you know if God does not have the restoration of your m in mind OR if your wife's free will chooses otherwise, then He has something else around the corner for you that'll be fine. You will be alright no matter what. I mean that Stuck and nope, I don't say that to everyone...(and what about a change of name? I know it'll confuse-I should change mine too...maybe add like StuckNoMore....hmm, pondering...)

. YES it would have been harder to have h here all the time. Generally MUCH harder. THere are problems NOW that he's back vis a vis the kids (d20 really) b/c he missed so much of her last years at home (she's home for the summer though) and their R is damaged due to his absence. So he has repair work and just b/c he and I are reconciled does not mean it's all hunky dory for him and them...takes time. I missed him in bed for obvious reasons and that's when it'd hit me a lot. And I missed him at social "family" events too. But you know they have their own sufferings we won't hear about b/c they inflicted them on themselves and won't share for a long time. There is shame there. But I do see efforts on my h's end with the kids. And impatience!! so I'm working with my DB coach on being supportive of their R's without taking responsibility for them. A balancing act for sure.

But for ME, yes there were also advantages to his being gone, except every time a scary noise happened downstairs (got an alarm system that was damn well worth it!!) or some machine would break & I'd get mad at him. Now I fix them myself or pay someone else, and that's as it should be really. Mostly. (Except for spiders which I really do think is a man's job to kill, and if you want to call me sexist,---or a spider murderer-- I PLEAD GUILTY!! sheesh!!)

talk to you soon, but am resting from K's thread for awhile...

"Here Stk, I'm transferring him to you" b/c my boss in the Army said "a problem transferred, is a problem solved..." just worn out from that thread and don't know if I'm helping or enabling...

(( j- ))

[MrBond]

Thanks 25. I wasn't really going to do them now, I'm just adding them to my list of things to do when I'm on better ground.

I understand what you mean about staying on Kev's thread, it does get tiring repeating things. I give you alot of credit because you don't waste time helping people and give it your all. And with his thread sometimes you just feel like throwing your hands up in the air everytime he posts.

Well don't worry, I'll make sure to put your advice to great use.

[MrBond]

Everyone,

Okay, I have a question. For the past few days, my W has been in a generally better mood than she has been in the past. All this would be great, however, I notice that her mind will wander off and she'll be daydreaming. Quite often. When she does so, she'll either smile to herself or just have a hang dog look on her face.

I know I'm getting paranoid, and that she will have residual feelings for the OM especially since they are working together. However I am also wondering if there is someone else at work that she's interested in.

Should I ask her what she's thinking about? Or should I just let it slide? I think if I were to ask her, she'd say, "nothing".

Any advice especially from the AWAWs or WAWs who had A, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks.

[Kittyfish]

I'd probably say "Aw, baby, you don't have to daydream about me- I'm right here" and leave it at that. (KIDDING!)

[robx]

Everyone,

Okay, I have a question. For the past few days, my W has been in a generally better mood than she has been in the past. All this would be great, however, I notice that her mind will wander off and she'll be daydreaming. Quite often. When she does so, she'll either smile to herself or just have a hang dog look on her face.

I know I'm getting paranoid, and that she will have residual feelings for the OM especially since they are working together. However I am also wondering if there is someone else at work that she's interested in.

Should I ask her what she's thinking about? Or should I just let it slide? I think if I were to ask her, she'd say, "nothing".

Any advice especially from the AWAWs or WAWs who had A, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks.

If you know how attraction works, then you can do almost anything and it will work. If you don't know how attraction works, you can do everything and it won't work.

No don't ask her.

I'm starting to re-read some of your previous posts,
maybe I'm wrong but it just seems like you're analyzing her every second of the day - maybe she gets the feeling like she's under a microscope when she's around you: constantly being inspected, dissected, examined, etc. A wee bit of pressure don't you think?

So I will say it again, don't ask her.
Say she was thinking about the OM or another man entirely that she may be attracted to and you asked her and she had the guts to say it honestly, "I'm thinking of another man that I'm attracted to at work right now". If she did this, you got your answer, how does it make you feel, any better?

Stuck, I read what you're saying often and you still seem to be comparing yourself to the other guy and thinking that you're better than him in every respect and you can't wrap your head around why she likes him and she doesn't like you. You aren't better in every respect, there is something that the OM does that you aren't doing, he isn't pursuing her the way you are, he is relaxed, confident, secure and obviously attractive. You are pursuing her, you aren't relaxed, you aren't confident, you sound very insecure and none of these things are attractive.

What happened to getting a life?

If you're that interested in going out with your wife on a date, do something small that doesn't communicate that you're trying to manipulate her with fancy dinners & gifts.

"Hey beautiful, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?"

Smile when you say it, make it look like a joke, enjoy it, don't make it sound so difficult.

If she says why, tell her in a joking way "I'm trying to get you to like me again and I'm thinking maybe a coffee and a donut would probably get the job done! LOL!"

Laugh when you say it, appear comical, funny, confident in yourself - that's the stuff that's attractive.

Tell her that aside from all this relationship drama, you miss your friend and would like to go out, share a coffee and discuss life outside of the relationship: work, kids, weather, everything that isn't personal. If she says she doesn't think it's a good idea, tell her you agree with her but still wouldn't mind getting your coffee & sugar fix and you're sure she could probably use a coffee as well.

Go to the local coffee joint, nothing expensive, low key, and just coffee. It's unassuming, doesn't communicate trying to buy someone, it's innocent and it's simple because it's just coffee between 2 friends.

"Regardless of our marriage problems, it would be a shame to throw away a friendship, you can never have too many friends"

You have to be confident, you have to stop seeking approval, you have to be secure in who you are, you have to reclaim this confident, secure man you once were and you have to start exhibiting that regardless if she leaves or not, you're going to be just fine, from what i've read thus far, you haven't communicated any of that so the question that begs to be asked is.... when are you going to start doing things different from how you currently do them? When do you start realizing that what you are doing isn't working?

Try the coffee thing that i mentioned, say it exactly the way I said it, in fact that's part of this, I probably don't talk like you (not diction or tone, the actual choice of words is what i'm referring to), it will sound different coming from you and she will pick up on that.

Are you interested in trying this? I hope so.
Still rootin' for ya bro!

[25yearsmlc]

Everyone,

Okay, I have a question. For the past few days, my W has been in a generally better mood than she has been in the past. All this would be great, however, I notice that her mind will wander off and she'll be daydreaming. Quite often. When she does so, she'll either smile to herself or just have a hang dog look on her face.

I know I'm getting paranoid, and that she will have residual feelings for the OM especially since they are working together. However I am also wondering if there is someone else at work that she's interested in.

Should I ask her what she's thinking about? Or should I just let it slide? I think if I were to ask her, she'd say, "nothing".

Any advice especially from the AWAWs or WAWs who had A, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks.

If you know how attraction works, then you can do almost anything and it will work. If you don't know how attraction works, you can do everything and it won't work.

No don't ask her.

I'm starting to re-read some of your previous posts,
maybe I'm wrong but it just seems like you're analyzing her every second of the day - maybe she gets the feeling like she's under a microscope when she's around you: constantly being inspected, dissected, examined, etc. A wee bit of pressure don't you think?

AMEN TO THIS...You are definitely overthinking it all. And mind reading galore...OMG....I've reflected about this, and I can't come up with a positive outcome for your question. If she's actually thinking about you & her and ML, etc....she'll let you know more clearly won't she? I thought so...drop it. And no more staring at her for temperature taking from your opinion of her facial expressions... Enough! really stk, you know who you are beginning to sound like don't you? Welllll THEN STOP IT.

So I will say it again, don't ask her.
Say she was thinking about the OM or another man entirely that she may be attracted to and you asked her and she had the guts to say it honestly, "I'm thinking of another man that I'm attracted to at work right now". If she did this, you got your answer, how does it make you feel, any better?

Stuck, I read what you're saying often and you still seem to be comparing yourself to the other guy and thinking that you're better than him in every respect and you can't wrap your head around why she likes him and she doesn't like you. You aren't better in every respect, there is something that the OM does that you aren't doing, he isn't pursuing her the way you are, he is relaxed, confident, secure and obviously attractive. You are pursuing her, you aren't relaxed, you aren't confident, you sound very insecure and none of these things are attractive.

What happened to getting a life?

If you're that interested in going out with your wife on a date, do something small that doesn't communicate that you're trying to manipulate her with fancy dinners & gifts.

"Hey beautiful, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?"

Smile when you say it, make it look like a joke, enjoy it, don't make it sound so difficult.

If she says why, tell her in a joking way "I'm trying to get you to like me again and I'm thinking maybe a coffee and a donut would probably get the job done! LOL!" (TAD NIT PICKY HERE BUT BEAR WITH ME...Maybe switch to "sweep you off your feet! and thought coffee would..." instead of getting her to like you again, b/c saying that is a tad too pathetic whereas "sweeping her off her feet" seems more dramatic/funny...hey it's just a thought but do NOT ask her what she is thinking...please...)

Laugh when you say it, appear comical, funny, confident in yourself - that's the stuff that's attractive.

True. Don't take yourself too seriously too, b/c that relieves some pressure. Back off from all this microscoping her. IF the time comes for a "friend's evening" or 'date,' THEN rent a comedy you think SHE'LL like, and laugh together. Live comedy can be great for this too.

Tell her that aside from all this relationship drama, you miss your friend and would like to go out, share a coffee and discuss life outside of the relationship: work, kids, weather, everything that isn't personal. If she says she doesn't think it's a good idea, tell her you agree with her but still wouldn't mind getting your coffee & sugar fix and you're sure she could probably use a coffee as well.
Go to the local coffee joint, nothing expensive, low key, and just coffee. It's unassuming, doesn't communicate trying to buy someone, it's innocent and it's simple because it's just coffee between 2 friends.

"Regardless of our marriage problems, it would be a shame to throw away a friendship, you can never have too many friends"

As long as the R can handle this now...it's so close to pursuit, though. Are you sure you have to do ths now? What's the rush?

You have to be confident, you have to stop seeking approval, you have to be secure in who you are, you have to reclaim this confident, secure man you once were and you have to start exhibiting that regardless if she leaves or not, you're going to be just fine, from what i've read thus far, you haven't communicated any of that so the question that begs to be asked is.... when are you going to start doing things different from how you currently do them? When do you start realizing that what you are doing isn't working?
Well??

Try the coffee thing that i mentioned, say it exactly the way I said it,

"exactly"??....No...let's SERIOUSLY quibble!!


in fact that's part of this, I probably don't talk like you (not diction or tone, the actual choice of words is what i'm referring to), it will sound different coming from you and she will pick up on that.

Are you interested in trying this? I hope so.
Still rootin' for ya bro!

we all are rooting for you, Stuck. But take a breath buddy.
What is your wife's take on your pursuing her now? Does she she find it smothering and controlling or manipulative like it is all tactical to get her back and none of the changes in you are real?
Did you come up w your own timeline yet? If it's anything like mine was, (as in a long one) you have to pace yourself, and take your time to find what will work for you and one thing we know is that you'll have to find something that at some point, feels natural to you. Or natural enough. Pace yourself...it will help you in all of this personal growth "stuff" and it's a life skill. Pace yourself. Read, and as robx said, what's going on with the GAL?
((( )))
j-

[Coach]

I don't want to make her uncomfortable saying it and I definitely don't want to seem to be pursuing too much if I said it. How did you do it to Mrs. Coach? Compliment her, I mean, while you were S?

I made it a goal and a 180. I got her to do what I wanted - ask to go out, touch me, ask me what I was thinking etc. I would have been the one to initiate before. So I had to change my thinking and actions. Don't jump in and fix it, let it come to you.
Create some of the attraction that Rob is talking about. Ramp up the mystery, smells, look, activities and healthy tension. Just keep working on being the best Stuck you can.
Cheers

[MrBond]

Kittyfish,

Hmmm, maybe I should say that naked. That'll get her attention! Thanks for lightening the mood.

[MrBond]

robx, 25mlc, coach,

Thanks for covering this. I have to say that the one thing that absolutely sucks about this whole A business is the trust issue. I'm trying my hardest to get past that, and though it has gotten better with the help of reading and this board, it still gets tough. There are just things that tend to trigger the insecurities again (like her daydreaming) and that panic bubbles up to the surface again.

One of the reasons I wanted to ask the question though was to find out if this was all part of the process for a WAS who has had an A. The daydreaming part. I think sandi and others might have mentioned something about it, so I was curious.

Things are going well right now, so I guess I was getting a little complacent in the GAL dept. It's almost like how things were before the bomb, sans the intimacy. You are all right in saying that I had been viewing her under a microscope and I it basically stems from fear. Not the fear of losing her, but the fear of being cheated on again. I learned the first time that I wasn't going to tolerate that again and would boot her out the door again if it happened. That's my boundary.

So I WILL ramp up the attraction dept. by continuing to concentrate on me.