Took him to the doctors, all they said is that he's got a virus.. He was up at 4 am this morning running a high temp again.
Had a really rough night with h. We didn't fight or anything, im still struggling with the fact that when the chips are down I cannot trust him to work through things with me. I know same old stuff, but I can't shake it. It kept me up most of the night just letting my mind get the best of me.
Found on the therapist doesn't take insurance, and I can't afford $150 a pop. Have to wait until I can find someone else that takes insurance.... wondeful.. gotta wait again.
I hate hate hate that this has become my life, full of guesses,aniexty and just plain worrying all the time. Yesterday afternoon we did ML, but then last night I know he wanted more, I just couldn't do it. My heart was not in it. All I kept thinking was, does he really want me, or is this just his hormones, since I do feel in my heart that last month with the texts to that girl he was seeking something even though it may have been innocent to begin with, that's how it always starts... UGGGG Im so angry.. damn it.. I have been his cheerleader, his friend and have been loyal to him for 18+ years, and after all that this is the crap I continue to go through.
I know, im not perfect, but I would never betray him like that. I always told him, I would leave him first.. if I had feelings like that for someone, that would be for me that I would have NO feelings for him anymore. I know lots of people can have a spouse and an Affair and feel something for both people, but I couldn't, im not built that way, its either one or the other. I made a vow to be with him and only him.
Ok, sorry for the rant.. im angry and sad at the same time these last few days..
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
