Can anyone answer this? Part 8

[sandi2]

Can someone please tell me why I am still hung up on a man that doesnt want me???????????
What is wrong with me!!!

I believe this is something a psy doctor could have a field day in teaching us all this lesson. In "Sandi's" opinion.....a great deal is in the individual's complete "make-up" as a person. Their personality, thought process, personal belief's & concepts........everything about them. I used to think that the parent's influence had the most to do in people being turned the way they are, but I think I have changed my mind. I've lived long enough to see too many kids raised by the same parents and they all turn out with their own vastly different POV, self-esteem, and so on. Of course, it should be that way, but I find it fasinating. I've spoke to you about my younger sister and how different she is from me. She had the same influence from the same parents as I did but she "used" to seem weak to me b/c she had very low self esteem and acted as if she could not think for herself and did whatever she was told by anyone......except me or our parents! That is what amazed me. She would usually end up doing the opposite from whatever we tried to tell her. The past several years, she has slowly drifted away from me b/c she feels inferior and thinks people are comparing us and expect her to be like me (which is not the case). When I was younger and a lot more immature, I would get so frustrated with her b/c she "was" so different from me and I could not understand why she was like she was. That is not to say she does not have her own good qualities, talents, etc., but she seems to feel so inferior around our mother and me until she shuts us out of her life. I think that is so sad and we've tried to talk to her, but it does no good.

When she loves a man, she completely opens herself to him. Nothing is held back and I think she is the type that just "soaks" in every ounce of attention he gives her (which is mostly negative and unhealthy), any affection he may show (which is little), and she lives in denial trying to convince herself that they are happy and have a good life. He disrespects her and is mentally abusive to her! At first, I tried to tell her that and he turned on me and put a wedge between my sister and me. Anyway, I think there are many, many people in the world who have this unique ability to love so "completely". Perhaps it was my mother's influence growing up hearing her "preach" her ideas and feelings about relationships, but I am the type of person that is very "proud" and that is not always good in a MR. If it had been my H who had had an EA instead of me.........the M would have never stood a second chance b/c I would have been out of here and never looked back. If he had ever said one.......just one of the rotten things that your XH said to you.....that would have been the end! That is not to mean that my way is the "right" way and yours in the wrong way. We are simply different in how we feel in R's and how we respond and deal with our personal issues. My sister told me once when trying to get out of another bad R, that if I had not been with her when her XH came after her, she would never have had the guts to tell him "no". That blew me away! She lived in so much fear of everybody who raised their voice or looked at her wrong. Her self esteem was never as high as a bug. I don't know why b/c she was always beautiful and had a good personality. There was just something in her that made her think she had to do whatever another person (outside her family) told her to do. As if she did not have a brain of her own! Needless to say, she got into a lot of trouble when she was a kid. Her R's were not healthy b/c she was clingy and needy and the man was usually the type who mistreated her. IMHO, it was b/c she "allowed" it. I tried to tell her that if she stood up for herself he would treat her better. But she did not have the courage and finally begin to tell me that she was too weak and could not be like I was. It would upset me to see her mistreated, but I would "really" get upset b/c she would not take up for herself and would continue to live in a messy R.

I told all that about my sister to let you know how different people can be.......even from the same family. Don't compare yourself too harshly to some of us here b/c believe me.....their are tons of people who feel just like you do regarding their stitch. A woman who loves like you do cannot let go of it in a few months. She doesn't seem to be able to move ahead and put that R behind her as though it didn't exsist. For the record, I don't think anyone can feel that it never exsisted, but they may try to go on and live that way until they get stronger. Don't beat yourself up b/c you still love him, okay? Sure, it seems odd to me......but I'm not you and it's not my life. You are not my personality type, but that is not to say what you feel and how you think is not just as valuable as I think I am........

Time......time......and more time! Time heals a lot, sweetie, and you are going to have to wait for it. By nature, I am a fixer and I use to try to "fix" my sister. Didn't work. I tried to "fix" her broken R's. That didn't work, either. I finally decided that she was the adult and had to figure out her way of doing things and I had to realize that it would be totally different from the way I would handle it. If she choses to stay in a R that is mentally and emotionally abusive, then I don't know what to do b/c I have said so much to her about that......she is shutting "me" out instead of the abusive person. She cannot deal with him and with me, so she's forced to make a choice between us, I guess, and naturally she is going to choose him over me. I never asked her to do that, but I feel that is what she "thinks" she has to do b/c she can't make both of us happey with her.

This is me journaling a bit to let you look inside at some of my life and hope it may help to realize there is nothing wrong with "you" based on the fact you still love a man that continues to treat you badly. IMHO, I think you are in love with the man you married.......not the man he has become. That is the person you are truly grieving for. Maybe if you could somehow figure out how to separate the two "men" and know that this one is not the one you fell in love with and you will either be able to move ahead (in time & working) and learn to live with that grief, or you will cling to that love and wait to see if that man you M ever shows up again.

Have to go to work. Have a good day.

Sandi