Help! Want direct feedback from walk away wive/s

[BigJohn]

John,



Whatever you do, DON'T feel you have the need to contrast yourself against the OM. DON'T COMPETE with him. First off, she see it as it is and secondly it will make you look insecure. Not exactly an attraction buzz for her.

Why don't you go out on the weekends and ignore her like the OM does? Give her some well deserved ALONE time.

I'm really inclined to do just that and try to stay as dark as a I can given the kids. It's tough though to go and do something with the kids and NOT invite her.

[BigJohn]

Wow, it's shocking how similar our situations are, or I should say were. My W moved out five months ago, is still pursuing OM, and unless something drastic changes, we're on a path to D.

When I found out about my W's EA six months ago, my W was acting almost exactly like yours is now. I tried to make myself be the better option compared to OM, but it was a lost cause. She was completely emotionally vested in the OM, and nothing I did really mattered any more. We would have a great time playing with kids, hanging out and talking for the evening, then she would claim to be tired and go to bed in the guest room, take out her computer and exchange e-mails with OM complaining about her life and M, and pump him up about how exciting he was. I didn't know that at the time of course. I would be thinking, "How can OM compete with us having such a great time?" In reality, she was just using me to amuse herself and keep her company until she could hook up with OM. She would even still ask me to do favors for her. She must have been thinking I was such a chump.

It wasn't obvious to me, but she really had lost all respect for me, or at least convinced herself of that to justify her actions. Sure sounds like you are in the same situation. I agree totally with Astimegoeson. Make plans and go out without her. If she asks what you're doing, just act vague and say "Just going out for a while." If she calls or texts while you're out, don't answer or reply. Make it clear YOU DON'T NEED HER, and that your life will go on just fine no matter what she does with her silly EA. Don't think you are pushing her away. She's already gone. This is the way to maybe, just maybe, draw her back. At least she might respect you again.

I think if I had found out about EA earlier and really did what I recommend above, things might have worked out different for me. I know trying to make myself look good compared to OM was like smashing myself against a brick wall. I know whenever I stood up for myself and made it clear what the conseequences of her actions were going to be, she backed down and started acting much better toward me. Unfortunately I didn't do that from the beginning and stick with it. Check out the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It describes exactly what I'm talking about. I wish I had read that book six months ago.

Futureunknown,

I hear you. Yeah it's tough to admit but right now my W sure acts like she is "gone", at least emotionally. For sure she is 100% emotionally invested in this scumbag OM right now. It's really very bizarre, her entire behavior and all. Very sad. She is a very sweet woman by nature, a good person who has just developed into an ugly person engaged in some really degrading behavior these past five months. I still find it hard to believe how someone so seemingly dedicated to their family would transform into a person trading the happiness of their family so cheaply for some damn text messages and a voice over the phone from 20 years ago. She is sick right now, to be sure, but at the end of the day, I'm reminded of my marriage vows to her (in sickness and in health...), my love for her, my kids and our family.

As mentioned in my prior posts, I've tried to lay down some boundaries before earlier in the EA, telling her several times to get the hell out and be with the OM if that is what she really wants- stop treating me like crap- but leave the kids out of it! Her responses have always been "I'm not going anywhere without the kids."

I can't say I really know what the hell she is doing right now- her brains are so friggin' scrambled. I do know what I am doing at the moment, and that is getting my emotions under control, detaching, GAL and being there for my kids.

[BigJohn]

Damn- I blew it! Slipped up and had an R discussion with my wife today. It's a long story, but basically it happened after we were discussing a project that she could really use my help on. If successful, there is a possibility of some sort of financial settlement for her- (not sure how big it might be).

Before the EA, I was passionate in wanting to help her with this project. However now in the midst of the EA, I am really conflicted about wanting to help her at all given the potential of the results of my work and effort potentially being used against me and/or for the benefit of my wife and the OM (presuming we are successful). So I told her this and one thing led to another and she stated that her position regarding us has still not changed- she doesn't want to work on our marriage and eventually wants to divorce.
She stated that during the last 2 weeks (while I was quasi-dark and GAL-ing) the only benefit had been that we didn't argue.

She continues to downplay her contact with the OM and states that her relationship with him is not influencing her judgment regarding our marriage. I am so sick and tired of hearing this! She is clearly addicted to the OM and the affair- I can literally tell when she wants her "fix", when she hasn't had her "fix" and after she has had her "fix". (Fix = cell phone contact.) I've tried to turn her on to this and other similar forums in order to test her beliefs but she'll have none of it. I understand that it's all supposed to be all about her "feelings" with little or no rational thought, but I'm beginning to believe that she realizes she IS addicted, she just doesn't want to be "cured".

This is so damn frustrating... I'd really like to hear more specific ideas from some of you former WAWs.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

I would strongly advise you not to help her with anything, unless it's for the children. You are only enabling her cake-eating behavior, and she's basically flaunting this right to your face and likely losing respect for you DAILY.

I forget: who pays for her cellphone?

Puppy

P.S. Have you read the book "NOT Just Friends" yet? If not, it's THE book on emotional affairs, and you might want to leave it laying out somewhere for her to find it. She may not be genuine in her thoughts that OM is not affecting her, but if she DOES want to learn more about it, this would be the book to help.

[Kittyfish]

I agree with Puppy- if you're paying for the cell- stop it. Don't finance her affair.

[MrBond]

Do not do anything to help her. You're just enabling the behavior.

I think you need to re-read DB and DR. You're making alot of the key mistakes that are detailed in there. Especially the trying to talk to your spouse part. Remember, they do not think they have a "problem" and no amount of talking is going to get them to change their mind. It will only re-enforce their thinking. First thing to do is to stop that now.

[Astimegoeson]

It's true what everyone is saying. Don't enable her. Just politely decline her request for help if it doesn't have anything to do with the children. She has to start to understand what her life will look like without your support (financially or emotionally). Otherwise, your giving tacit approval to her behavior.

[BigJohn]

John,

I would strongly advise you not to help her with anything, unless it's for the children. You are only enabling her cake-eating behavior, and she's basically flaunting this right to your face and likely losing respect for you DAILY.

I forget: who pays for her cellphone?

Puppy

P.S. Have you read the book "NOT Just Friends" yet? If not, it's THE book on emotional affairs, and you might want to leave it laying out somewhere for her to find it. She may not be genuine in her thoughts that OM is not affecting her, but if she DOES want to learn more about it, this would be the book to help.

The project in question involves potential litigation related to my wife's wrongful termination- this was the event that initially led to the eventual opportunity to connect with scumbag OM. Too much time on her hands, emotionally vulnerable, etc. I have friends who do some related work in the family law arena who have suggested supporting/assisting my wife in this particular venture given the circumstances. Their thinking is that working together on a project that led to serious injustice for my wife might make a positive difference for our relationship and possibly help open the door to some reconciliation. It's tough, because I understand what everyone is saying about helping her, and certainly to possibly have the results of my time/talents used against me makes me sick. But there is nothing to say for certain that she wouldn't use the money instead to pay down the family debt instead of using it for herself.

It's tough, I just don't know where she is in her thinking. The other day during our R talk, she shared with me a list that she had made for herself entitled "What do I want?" that listed about 6-8 attributes. None of the attributes she listed appeared unreasonable to me. She stated that these were attributes that I either hadn't demonstrated in some time or hardly at all ever. She stated that it was her belief that I either did not possess these attributes and/or did not have the ability to acquire them. (BTW the OM was never brought up in the discussion.) I pretty much kept quiet and allowed her to talk. I appreciated the moment for what it was- her opening up to me honestly like that. I had been asking her since the EA was first discovered for specific feedback on what "needs" she needed filled and she had pushed back on me until now. I don't know what significance to place on this interaction, but it seemed genuine and from the heart. I should also mention that right before sharing her list with me, I had told her (truthfully)that I was focusing a lot of effort in letting go of the anger and resentment that had accumulated inside of me during the course of the EA. I explained that aside from the benefits to me, I wanted to create a safe emotional environment for her to open up to me about our relationship. Apparently it worked and she shared her list with me.

Something else that happened later that same evening. As she was going to bed, I made a comment about something she has been doing for the majority of the EA- always sleeping with her back to me in bed, facing my side of the bed only when I wasn't in bed and always having her back to me when we have talked in bed. I asked her "Hey what's up with that? She replied "you ought to know, your the body language expert" (She's right, I do know what it means.) I don't recall exactly what I said next, but when I came to bed, there she was, asleep facing my side of the bed. Interestingly enough, since then she has been mostly sleeping either facing my side of the bed or on her back. Don't know if that means anything or not.

BTW, one thing that I did not do while she was sharing her list with me was to suggest her going to our therapist (by herself) and sharing the list with her. (I have been going alone to the therapist myself for the last 1 1/2 months.) Any thoughts on this?

Regarding "NOT just friends", yes Puppy, I got the book and am currently reading it. Don't know about sharing with my W though.

Regarding the cell phone, yes, it is still active and we/I are paying the bill. A big part of the reason it's still on is because I have (admittedly) some control issues- and right now it's not a battle I want to fight right now.

I know. Maybe I should change my name to Big Softie.

[BigJohn]

Do not do anything to help her. You're just enabling the behavior.

I think you need to re-read DB and DR. You're making alot of the key mistakes that are detailed in there. Especially the trying to talk to your spouse part. Remember, they do not think they have a "problem" and no amount of talking is going to get them to change their mind. It will only re-enforce their thinking. First thing to do is to stop that now.

I'm with you Stuck. It was a moment of weakness, but I am getting stronger.

[MrBond]

Good to hear. Time for Big John to stick his big boot up someone's butt and take control back. But in a loving way of course.