What a day today has been! First my dad's condition....so 12/16 biopsies came back positive.....not good. Last time 1/16 had come back positive and this time it is a higher grade of cancer. The good news is that it has not spread outside of the prostate......his CT and MRI came back negative. So the docs recommend a prostatectomy and they have scheduled it in 5 weeks time. The docs told him it he should not plan any trips or anything for the next 6-8 months! Why? I still am not sure why it takes that long to recover......what are the side effects he will be suffering....ect....
He is doing great though...in great spirits and very positive. We will just have to pray and see what happens.
On top of that, this morning my H called and told me he was driving down on Thursday night after he gets off of work at 7pm! HELLO! Its a 26 hr. drive!!!! WHEN DID HE THINK HE WOULD GET HERE AND THEN WHAT???? STAY FOR A DAY BEFORE HE HAD TO START DRIVING BACK?????? He said he checked for flights and everything was $900 or more. (which is totally true as he has decided that he needs a flight in 2 days!) SIGH!
This man, who has been the planner for his life - as well as our life and mine, can't see past one minute right now.
I know a lot of you will NOT agree with what I did....but, I took 20 min out of my day today and found a flight that he could pay with miles and called him back with that option. He was very thankful. Who knows if I did the right thing, but this was also a 180 for me. I just took charge, didn't take alot of time. I just gave him an option. He took it right away......so, I don't really know how to read that......probably nothing.......I just saved him a grand or a 52 hr. drive round trip! When is this madness going to end?
He is coming in 2 days. I am unsure what to feel. I have nothing to be very happy about....just D papers that I will have to address at some point in this visit. I wish I could just pretend like they did not exist....but, they do and I cannot avoid this any longer. I am unsure what to do.
I just want to spend a couple of days just no stress.....just be happy in having some time together. We are still not fighting. Although, I still don't know what the problem is. I am prepared for the possibility of OW. I know that is a very real prospect. I am not sure how I will deal with it...but, I will try to NOT make a decision during emotional highs or lows. I will wait to see how I feel when the tide comes to neutral. I am imagining all these horrible things that could be wrong....but, really.....who knows at this point? It could be something like he doesn't want to move down here and he doesn't want a long distance relationship ........or it could be that he totally blows me out of the water and tells me he is gay!
I just will have to wait and see. He seemed happy to be seeing me and that was nice. We had a nice little chat and he wasn't the one trying to get off the phone (for a change).
I have planned some interactive activities and I will be busy a couple of days with work. We can go see movies or rent some movies and go out to eat. I have a couple of bike/hike trails mapped out....but, it is 98F with 75% humidity....so, I just don't know if we really will get around to doing this. Otherwise, there is always bowling or mini golfing or video games.......SIGH! We will see what his story is...
I spent the whole day today out......got my Driver's License and Registration and Inspection done....and then spent the rest of the day at my work getting an ID badge and just going thru paperwork. I met some very nice people and I hope I fit in well. The more I talk to people, the more divorced people I meet. People really do talk about their lives when u just listen.
I really am trying to prep myself for no hope (which actually I am doing ok with.....I keep looking at the D papers to make sure I understand MY REALITY) and more importantly, I want to maintain who I am as my own entity. I must keep intact my dignity and I will not tear myself apart for him.....I will not be desparate. I am WOMAN.......I need no man to make me whole....if he wants to leave, he knows where the door is!
Please pray that I can keep this mental frame of mind!
