This is so hard, he is planning on doing all kinds of stuff with them without me...
I am struggling with this this instant. H is taking girls to a fair tomorrow. They are EXCITED and can't stop telling me about it. DAMNIT, I WANT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
H called today. Small talk, wanted to know if kids had a good time yesterday ...absolutely, more small talk. I say I've got to run. H says he may want to come by later as he's gotten used to seeing the kids everyday.
I'm stumbling..."Ok, just give me a call ahead of time." He tells me of course he will call first.
Now, Lucky comes to mind and I'm thinking "f*ck this, you leave, you don't get to see your kids every day." Then I'm thinking of AJ "well, we're around, he wants to see the boys, maybe he wants to see me, another opportunity."
So, I don't know if I'm doing the limbo, paint a new picture DB or the boundary setting, get a taste of reality DB...as for what works for ME, I'm too split on it to know which path feels optimal and serves my long run goals.
Anyone?
This one doesn't feel like spinning, it feels like an important decision needs to be made.
AK...I am still catching up on your thread, but for some reason this stuck out at me... what if you thought of it as the DB technique of accepting SOME but not ALL of his invitations. It could be treated like that, without verbalizing a boundary...like "oh, I would let you come by but we will be out...I will call you if we get back in enough time for you to come by".
You could have alreadythought of this or figured it out but I wanted to comment b4 I forgot.
Well, I don't really want to have to always be out. I like chillin' with my kids and I think it is good for them. I will of course make plans with them but I'm not going for the Disneyland Mom thing just to be unavailable. Plus, he would just ask to come along if he really wanted to see them...
I need to get to the point of having some boundaries and accepting that he may not like it.
Eventually, we need some guidelines for in the house; he still acts like this is home...
My H does the same. It is oddly comforting and disruptive all at once. I think it will be hard to set that boundary, it already is. Eventually is the key word. Maybe this is why DBing takes so long to take effect, since we have to take the time to let the emotions EVENTUALLY stop getting in the way of what is actually best. (lighbulb for me!!)
yes, it takes time. I ran the gamut tonight of wishing H would get run over, crying, feeling like a worn out rag, writing my not to be sent letter...knowing that this is my swamp I have to pull myself out of and he can't be there for me. He wouldn't be doing this sh*t if he had a clue.
I am on my own. (tears)
And, you're right, decisions can not be made from this place...at least not made and followed through on.
Yeah, but it is not always...it is once in awhile. And what if you just said you were going somewhere then stayed home. If he came by you could always say it got cancelled or you had to come home or basically it is none of his business what happened to your plan. I am trying to say that it is just an idea to try so that you can ease your way into setting that boundary whether he likes it or not. AKA...fake it till you make it.
But do you ever wonder if sometimes we need to just make the decision and then, once we try it on and it becomes comfortable, we can know it was the right way to go? If its not working, then make another decision. I guess in DBing terms, this would be "doing something different..."
Last edited by traveldane; 06/17/0904:26 AM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Oye chica. There's an awful lot going on here, which is why you're spinning. You might think about cutting this Thang down into more digestible chunks, running it through the food processor or something.
For example, why try to define every boundary today? Set one. See how it works. Preferably a non-negotiable one. And don't assume these things have to be written in stone, right? If you set one and it doesn't work for you, or it doesn't work for him (and its not working for him is trouble for you), revise, rethink, relook, redo.
Perhaps you have too many balls in the air while simultaneously trying to spin plates, "Sabre Dance" cooking in the background, while Ed Sullivan looks on in horror.
Sometimes working your mojo means knowing when to stop.
I knew I summoned you for a reason!!! Now I have theme music running in the background! LOL!
I was hoping you'd remind me that I wont cease to exist and disappear into oblivion like all of the other hollyweird "first wives." They really don't usually fare to well and of course, my super-star is broke, dammit.
And my kids...what'd I do? I married a big insecure, star-f*cking baby...how am I going to just co-parent and stop caring about this sh*t...
I know, my thread is long and whiny and all over the place and no super-educational, amusing, enlightening links but you can peruse and get the gist.
I'm having another OMFG tantrum and letting his little comments get to me...and, I see him one way (the maybe I could be married to that guy way) and then he pulls his sh*t and I see him another way (the I hope he gets run over guy way).
I was hoping you'd remind me that I wont cease to exist and disappear into oblivion like all of the other hollyweird "first wives."
Would you still exist? Would you still appear to others' eyes? Then you don't need reminding.
Don't go all Shmedlap on me here -- "People" magazine does not existence nor oblivion make, friend. We make our own reality.
Want to hear something funny? I took the kids to S9's therapist after Kid D-Bomb, and at the end of the session T called me in for a chat. Oy. What can this be about? T says, "For 2 years I've been watching you engage with your kids. For the past 4 months I've been talking with you about your divorce and you and the kids. I've come to a conclusion."
Ummmmmm, okay?
"You should be a Life Coach."
L.O.Freakin'.L! Dude, my life is an utter shambles! But thanks for the mad props.
So let me "life coach" you, alive -- god, wotta El Lay concept! -- you exist. You exist in a better dimension of existence than Monsoor Le Shmedlap. You're At The Work. He'll be getting tossed out of the last Retro Retro Tiki-inspired Revisioned bar left in NoHo, and you'll be At The Work. He'll be a one-line voice-over in next year's E True Hollywood Story, and you'll be At The Work.
And that's as real, as grounded, as Existing as it gets, sports fan.
Quote:
how am I going to just co-parent and stop caring
Whoa! Who said anything about "stop caring"???? You're going to care even more. You're Setting Boundaries, keemosabe! You're not letting his star-struck ways in the door. You're laying down the law.
Shmedlap's in the Fog -- the worst Fog, the Fog most of our fellow DB'ers will mercifully never know, the Fog that comes creeping in with the marine layer but which never rolls back to the sea by lunch-time. Shmedlap is Hollywood Scum now. He's Lola in the Barry Manilow "Copacabana" song. He's That Guy you see down at the end of the bar at Formosa, with a satchel full of spec screenplays and a three-day growth, still harboring The Dream, just waiting for That Call from Mr. Warner. It ain't the Boulevard of Broken Dreams for nothing.
You? You've been given a gift here. He's given you the gift of yourself. Not just the need, the Freedom to define Who You Are and How You Roll.
Let's cut to the chase here -- does anyone really believe I'm as grounded as I sound? I'm a mental case! But the one thing I know is that this divorce has been a gift to me -- I am in Complete Control of defining how I act, how I react, and who I become as a result of it. That might NEVER have happened without the Bomb. That's what has given me the power to forgive WAW. Would I prefer not to be divorced? Of course! But given that I am, who better to determine How I Roll than....me?
Quote:
my thread is long and whiny and all over the place
Feh! You want long and whiny and all over the place? Lisez le chapitre 1 en l'histoire du Smiley's Person! You've got to have the long and whiny and all over the place to get where you're going.
Quote:
I'm having another OMFG tantrum and letting his little comments get to me
"letting"
That's the most important word you've written in the past 2 weeks.
If it suits you, I'm going to e- you in the alt later this week. We're going to do this thing together. You'll be visible. You'll exist.
