The thing that I have learned the MOST so far is that I REALLY need to think about the things I say and the ways that I respond to H about things...and not just to H but to everyone. To REALLY think about responses prior to making them has helped me this far in not regretting too much what I say or do. Even when it is a backslide, I have been comforted knowing that I made a conscious decision to show this emotion or be true to ME and say what I think and feel. It also makes me feel like I am a much better listener which makes me feel great
Isn't it interesting that we get the opportunity to identify our challenges/weaknesses, and it's no longer just about how we relate to our S's - it's much more than that - and we're being given a chance to really reconsider how we respond, how we listen, and to be okay with our reactions - even when it's a temporary backslide. I feel the same way... I have realized I was passing judgment in many ways - both with H and others - and not really listening to understand, just listening until I had a chance to tell them how it 'should' be.
You're growing..! Stay patient. This is going to take some time, but you are doing very, very well!
Yes...total self reflection...which is why I am SURE of the fact that this is all going to be worth it one day. Let's just all try to hang in for the meantime!!!
Hey guys... I have been busy and not feeling like lurking here for some reason. I guess when things are ok I don't feel the need as much although now I am behind on everyone else's sitch's. Yesterday I didn't see H. I was good. Today I saw him all day just about and I am a mess. Go figure. We had a good day which is why I am a mess now, I think. H came over to take my car in for a bunch of maintenence issues. We talked about it all...and some other business stuff. Some was good and at one point something made me upset and I started to cry. I went in my room and H came in to see if I was OK. I said yes...but it was obvious something was not OK. So, he asked me again if I was ok...and again. I told him it wasn't the (financial business) issue itself, just what it all represents. It is not a big deal and has nothing to do with D, just something that struck me. Anyway, H just hugged me and comforted me. Didn't really say much. I don't know...this is all just too much sometimes. I feel like I get somewhere and I screw up. I can see H starting to come sround emotionally. It just all seems too complicated to imagine it ever really working out. Ugh, the pessimism has a hold of me tonight.
There is a guy who I met the other night when I was out with my friends and co-workers. He is a friend of a friend and we were all out in a big group. We talked alot and I am sure he wants to ask me out. Are there any thoughts on this...I am confused at the fact that I actually find myself interested and/or if this is wrong or a bad idea. I know as far as physical is concerned it is a bad idea and I am not interested in that. I just wasn't sure if I am just feeling like being interested in. It is actually a good feeling right now. But scary. I feel like I would be cheating on H...but what are the boundaries when you are separated??? I wouldn't want him doing it...obviously. But he probably is and he left me. This is a question I have just pondered today when I found out this guy was interested in me and we had a good conversation the other night. So any thoughts would be appreciated.
IMO, if you want to go out casually with this guy and you have boundaries for yourself just as you do with your H and ML... then I think it's okay. But maybe you need to let the guy know what's going on and you're not interested in a R rt now... just keep it casual? I'm sure there will be varying opinions on this but you're the best judge.
Seems your H is still conflicted. Keep getting on with your life, he's aware of your feelings and it seems like a step in the right direction.
I think if you want your marriage, dating right now would not be good. H. is showing kindness, he is engaging in conversation with you, he cares about your feelings.
If he were pulling further away, not responding to your PMA and GAL efforts, I would say you should do what makes you happy and go on a date. But he's not.
If you think you might be happier with someone else and are willing to risk that your H. might get mad, be turned off, and walk away from you, if you are ok with that, than go ahead. But don't do it if your primary focus right now is your marriage. He is giving you something to work with, crumbs I know, its hard. But if it continues this way you can always re-evaluate. For now, just keep on with what you are doing. You are doing great.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
I think the dating thing is so personal. I will date but no physical action and no bonding.
You are early on in your sitch so you might want to just enjoy the attention and wait. It is a matter of what you can feel good about when you look back. IMO.
Thanks guys... I tend to agree with travel...that it is probably not a good idea to date...because somehow one thing leads to another and it gets complicated. The guy (we'll call him B) and I did talk about my sitch a little. B didn't seem to care, but asked his friend (our mutual friend) for my #. He was attractive and nice, we had a good time. So the interesting thing to me is that on one hand I am crying about H...and on the other I thought about B and it made me smile. I will definately not persue that situation. If I run into him again maybe I will re-evaluate. I think it is attention based, the little excitement it gives. Not to mention confidence. It is nice to know someone wants to persue me, as opposed to all of the denial. Also, it would be nice to have something to look forward to as far as good conversation that has little to do with H!!! That is what I liked about talking with B the other night. Learning about his life...which was SO 180 from mine!!! And not thinking about mine for awhile!
Flipping the switch, I REALLY felt that H was on the verge of telling me something. It was when he was hugging me today. But he is holding back. And it could be wishful thinking.
You are right AK, it is so early on. That is why I was surprised to find myself interested in B. I think it would just complicate my already ridiculously confusing life.
