Vent- Conversation detailing more of H's Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...elicited feelings of anger and sadness. And again, I feel threatened. I hate to admit, I think I'm intimidated by how many people he knows and how he has gobbled up so many mutual friends (although yes, some of them think he is being an a**hole but in this town, so what?).
This is what came out of me tonight...not sending it, just venting...
I want to make sure that you know that when I sound sad or aggravated after hearing about your sort of "fabulous" life, it is not because I am jealous, it is because I am so heartbroken to see and know that it all means so much to you...I guess that was an issue all along. Knowing that your self-worth is so tied to who you know and all of the bling makes me sad, sad as your wifey thing (whatever I am), sad as your friendy thing, and sad as the mother to your children. I so wished that you would demonstrate how to be your super-talented self, successful and put family first (a tall order, I know). This has been a theme for so long and I am truly happy for you that you are finally in where you wanted to be, just sad for the loss of my dream of family life and our dream of creating something different for our children...and that there is still so much happening in the "real world" here that you are escaping from.
And, I know I should have x, y or z'd while I had the chance...I realize now more than ever why it was so hard to fill your void, it was impossible and my reactions made it worse. Ultimately, I guess it worked for you because it gave you the ammunition you needed to leave and be right where you are now...so, you're welcome.
So, obviously, I can't tell you who to be. I can be friendly with you. I can be happy for you as an individual. But, I am exquisitely heartbroken that all of the bling supersedes the significance of what is happening here and what is being lost...
