At the risk of fueling gender stereo types, I'm wondering if this approach would strike the right sentiments and invoke the response it seems to be with your wife, if the scenario were reversed ? Obviously we are talking here about two specific individuals and a specific marriage, not just dynamics between a man, and a woman, not trying to reduce it to just that, really.
But, IMHO, it almost seems like within the unconditional love you are offering, you are also doing a bit of that confident man, sweetheart i've got you figured out but am so self aware that I welcome you to take the space to figure it out for yourself type of thing. And, ps. I already love you for who you are. I'm that good. Don't feel cold in the shadow of my superhuman emotional awareness. You'll get there and if you'd like to meet me on the other side, you might be that lucky.
Don't get me wrong, its fantastic. And, it seems to be working. But, if you are not carefull, she might begin to resent it a bit that you seem to understand things about her that she might not understand yet herself. I don't think it sounds like she does...in fact, email above clearly states that you are right on and she is appreciating/responding to that.
Because she is a woman and, while I am the last one who likes to admit it, we do like to be taken care of to some degree. And have our emotions affirmed. But its a fine line between that and feeling parented.
And, getting back to my origional question, in my experience (not just my own sitch but beyond) men often, not always, but often do not respond as well to having their feelings identified and affirmed...at least not initially. Validation goes a long way, miles, but empathy before they themselves have digested what they are feeling and are ready to announce the place they are in is not appreciated. You have to tread very lightly, a line so fine between understaning where they are coming from but not taking any action or even saying so...comes off as feminie patronizing.
Why does it seem less that way in the reverse? Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe just as many women balk at this. Maybe it is all just based on the individual. Anyway, if your wife were not responding to this, if she was like, thanks for being so concerned with how I feel but I'll figure myself out thank you very much and I really don't want you around while I do it, what would be your next step?
Last edited by traveldane; 06/17/0902:06 AM.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
